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My parents have been very involved in our lives since childhood. Me being an introvert (with no friends), my confidant was always my mother. I told her everything about my day, and even if i didn't, she was sure to find it out. She would send someone to get me to confide in that person and then she would know whatever i was hiding. This person could be anyone - my brother, friends, cousins. Just about anyone who knew me. So I hope you all understand that I had absolutely no privacy. But like every single being, especially a growing up teenager with the usual teenage angst, crushes and body discovery; i craved privacy. And I found my solace in writing a journal. I have been journalling for more than 12 years. I have filled 3 whole diaries, many random pieces of paper and many more word documents. All this for the sole purpose of having something to myself, and only to me. something out of reach from my mother. and don't forget and all this time i was pretty open with my mother as well (though not as much). she continued to know all about my friends, where I go, what snacks I ate (by going through my dustbin), what time I slept last night( I am 25F, btw. She does this till now), everything.
My journal was part of me. It was a piece of my soul, it was probably more individualistic than me (the one who never could disassociate from my mother).
COVID happened and I near about died (atleast I felt like I was dying). In my fear of death, I confessed a lot of hidden emotions to my parents. The depression I was going through, my fears about my career, about life, etc. the point is that whatever a child could possibly bare infront of their parents, I did. They heard it, and comforted me. They comforted me for a long time. whatever ill emotions i had carried with me against them (supported by my teenage angst), i let go. I stopped hating my mother for her involvement in my life. It's her personality, i told myself. If she doesn't care for her own kids then who else. It's her love. It's her love.
My diaries ofcourse i never shared and read aloud. That would be stupid. Nobody does that. They were filled with sadness, my doubts and my hate towards my parents (something that i think everyone experiences and is allowed to). And most of all, it was mine and mine alone.
And lo and behold, a few days ago my mother tells me that she had read my diaries (not all of it she says). I was stunned. I gave no reaction. Her reasoning- "You were so ill during COVID and you were babbling all these emotional things. I wanted to know what was going on with you. and so out of my love for you, i read all that you had written about me in it. there was a lot of hate against me in it. but you you are so affectionate with me after COVID so I think all is well now."
Let me tell you it was an Emotional TRigger. It has shaken me up to my core. THe only thing, in the whole wide world, the one thing , which was mine and mine alone, is no longer mine. I was in so much misery and confusion, i spoke to a counselor the first time in my life. She talked about 'enmeshment', etc. all of this i already knew. the session helped to understand that my mother's love, no matter how well intentioned, was not ideal.
but now, i am filled with so much anger of being robbed like this. I have clamped up shut emotionally. I have regressed to how I was before. My parents are asking me what's wrong but i don't even want to tell them, because if they don't realise that reading my diary was a fault, then it's a helpless cause. i cannot even talk to my bestfriends or my brother, cuz now I fear that my mother will get the information out of them. I feel alone and i feel stripped naked. The reason i decided to vent among strangers is cuz I thought that atleast here, My mother cannot reach.
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You have my complete understanding, well, as much as we can ever understand someone else. I am an extremely private person. My mother read my diary, when I was 15. For anyone to read another person's diary, is absolutely not ok. It's unnecessary and invasive, in the extreme. I was very upset and I felt rage, about it. I didn't trust her much before, but afterwards I had no trust at all. Skip forward quite a few years and my Teenage daughter read my diary, also. Write personal stuff in another Language (use Google Translate, or another Translation app) or write in code! I know we shouldn't have to. People overstep boundaries, for a whole range of reasons. I give you my empathy and I am sorry.
ReplyHey sister , can just say that i listened to you. i felt the pain behind your words it must've been very very bad for you but dont live the same life. work , earn , establish new life. god has made you strong you can do any any thing. youre mom isnt a underworld mafia she cant kill you if you move out. You need to priortize your mental health stay away from your mom. im not saying forget your mom but keeping a healthy distance will make situation start to be better.
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