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A typical day in my shoes is waking up at 4:40 AM and hitting snooze on my alarm until about 5:30 AM. I immediately pick up my phone because I'm addicted to the world it creates in my head. More importantly, I make my way to the bathroom and brush homemade dry shampoo into my hair. I don't shower like I used to. I only have so much energy, why waste it on a shower? Gross, I know. I rarely brush my teeth, also gross, I am well aware. I throw on the same clothes from yesterday. At least I put on deodorant. I make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for breakfast. I don't eat enough so it's the least I can do in the morning. I drive to school and sit in my car for a moment before class. I am just focusing on centering myself so I can remember how to act when the anger kicks in, it always does. I'm an adult now, I can't lash out like I used to, there are consequences. I go to school where everyone knows me for one mistake I made freshman year. Nobody cares that I've changed. Nobody cares that I almost lost my life over my mistake.
So I hold my head high every day that I can. I won't show them something to feel on. If I have my earbuds in between classes in the hall I can't hear a word they say about me. Even if they aren't talking about me, they are talking about someone.
When school ends I drive home and pretend homework doesn't exist even though it haunts and terrorizes me. I'll do it tomorrow during first period, just not now. Now I have to write, read, watch videos, bake, anything that is not school. Even away at school it's all I can think about. I know that even if I do all my work more will come. There is never a second of peace, only distraction.
I either go to sleep at 9:30 PM if my brain is forcing my body to sleep or around 11:30 PM.
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I'd like to begin by stating this; from your writing, you come across as extremely intelligent. That's a great sign that you can have a better future.
It seems as though you feel the world is caving in around you and you are burnt out on dealing with it all. I have two things to say about this.
First, I find that people don't tend to lose their minds over things when you exit school and enter "the real world". And second, you could make a list of things that are bothering you and work on those one at a time.
Back when I was in school, I can remember people being so judgmental. I was doing it myself. It's strange to think that we were looking down on other people for reasons they typically had no control over. I often, for example, had hair that was too long and clothes that were too small. It certainly wasn't my fault that my father was poor. He turned to drugs and alcohol after the divorce so he found other ways to blow his money than to improve life for his only son.
Outside of school, though, I set out and became my own man. I entered the workforce and started moving my way up the corporate ladder. It was nice to see, though, that true adults aren't so judgmental. We aren't as worried about what you wear, what color your hair is, what kind of vehicle you have, etc. For many reasons, it's easier to deal with people when you leave school behind. In due time, you will have crossed this line and hopefully many of your troubles will be behind you.
I also mentioned the option of making a list of items that bother you. It's likely faster to go through this process on an electronic device but paper and pencil will work just fine. Start by making note of anything that bothers you. In this list, you should include all of those items, no matter their size or regularity. Once done, prioritize the list where the items that bother you the most are at the top and the lowest offenders are at the bottom. Now mark through, or erase, any items you have absolutely no control over. When you are finished, you'll have a prioritized list you can work on. Start with that first item. Really think about. Why does it bother you? What can you do to resolve this issue (or make it less painful or less bothersome)? Start working on that one and, when you're ready, move on to the next. Without a list, it often feels like you're dealing with all of the items all of the time and, unfortunately, not getting anywhere with them. For this reason, it can be extremely overwhelming to the point you just want to give up on life. By prioritizing these items and working on just one or two at a time, you can start making progress.
It may be a slow process but, this time next year, you can look back at your life and see how far you've come. You'll easily be able to identify the areas that are better for you.
We're terribly sorry to hear you aren't feeling well at the moment and wishing you the best as you move forward.
Good Luck!
Mirage
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