A word for a feeling.

I wonder if there is a word to describe the feeling of looking back at the life you have led so far, and realising that the majority of it can be so easily covered by the phrase, "a few years later".

Knowing, that as you get older and more time passes the book of your life will be filled with passages that explain not the detail of one's life, but the vague banalities that truly represent the waste of one's life to the humdrum existence that we are forced to endure; when life holds no special meaning beyond being that one reliable friend to only two people who have the world in their hands, in the form of families they have forged from the particular beauty they have created with the time they were gifted from a life they never asked for...and I wonder...have I truly lived up to the potential of my being?

Or was that potential stolen from me like my innocence from a grandparent who hated me so completely as to render that hate in blistering maltreatment and negligence, while the older brother that betrayed the very essence of what it means to be a brother, was nurtured into being the terrible excuse for a person that he became.

I can't help holding on to these things, as if brandishing them makes them a worthy excuse for the wasting of my life that I continue to pursue, and yet, I'm so riddled with fear to do anything about it, I feel caged by the expectations that I have for myself, and the expectations that society has for anyone who so dares to be born.

And I'm back to where I began, wondering about a word that couldn't possibly exist because one complex feeling leads into another more complicated history, that forms the basis for who and what we are...we are all of us mistakes, some, more beautiful than others and me more of a waste than most.