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I have autism and ADHD. Self diagnosed. My mom knows, my dad does not. One thing that i really struggle with is rudeness and disrespect. It's really hard for me to tell a lot of the time if what i'm about to say is rude or not. It's gotten me into a LOT of trouble at home. My parents think that it's intentional, and i've tried so many times to tell them i don't mean to, but i think that they just think thats my way of apologizing. I write poetry, but i have terrible verbal communication skills when i'm stressed, which is all the time when i'm around them.
Its so frustrating because I don't know how to stay out of trouble without shutting down completely. And even when I do, they find a way to criticize me for that, saying i'm being "short" and "cold".
I'm also just going to put here a few lines from some poems i've written, it expresses my thoughts better:
"She hates that she can’t love you
Without pain
Your open arms are made of thorns
But she kept on coming back for the roses
Now she's done
The scars on her arms are too many and too deep"
"She doesn’t know
How to keep that spark
That makes you love her
Then hate her so
You say she carries herself
With confidence
But she speaks with the lash of a whip
Have you ever wondered if that confidence came
From standing when you try to walk all over her
And not crying when you slip"
"And if actions speak louder than words
Then screams are words turned into actions
Words but stronger
Words but sharper
Words but they cut deeper
And you’re there
And i’m there
But we’re not together"
Anyway, I still love them, and that's what hurts the most. It's really nice to be around them sometimes, but I don't know how to talk to them anymore. They really don't get how I can be rude without realizing it, they think it's just an excuse. I really don't know what my next step is here. The only option I can see is to stop talking to them, and even that's not really much of an option. Please help. I want to be able to go live and see my friends and enjoy being a kid while it lasts, and I want to keep my confidence. I'm really scared that I won't be able to go as far as I want to with my life if I can't keep these kinds of things balanced. I have big goals and dreams, I don't want a terrible family life to be a weight or a distraction.
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You write wonderfully. I hope you accomplish your goals and dreams.
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