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My father always used to terrify me as a child. The beatings, the threats and his physically imposing stature, scared me. His short temper, his tendency to drink, and his uncaring nature stopped me from doing anything. I never understood why he treated me the way he did as a child, and now i know its because i was weak, skinny, and not intimidating. my voice was high and my haircut sucked, but was okay everywhere i went in the world except when I was home. I held my own, and never got bullied badly, because I was cool with people after a while. I couldnt do anything right by him, mostly because he scared me beyond basic function and motor skills. I was mad then, and I'm mad now that he treated me like crap just because i wasnt stereotypically masculine.
I wonder if he's the reason why i have barely any identity as a highschool senior. He never did and still doesnt approve of any of my hobbies, and actively tried to make my life worse for it. Fanfiction, anime, games, even friends, I cant have shit in front of him. Any time i tried to open up about the things that bother me he either scoffed loudly stating children have it easy and im lazy, even though his expectations are really high, or to just do it, because thats what he did. He came out a mess, facing the full force of his actions. i feel like just him being around more in my life is a battle. I liked the days where I wouldnt see him or mom often, days to myself, where i could do whatever I wanted with no judgment or interference. Having him around 24/7 sapped my want to do anything, because it's so damn draining to sneak around him all the time. I don't know a damn thing about myself, and i think it's because of him. I used to listen to him like any child would, and so far this is where i've ended up. It makes sense im so bitter.
The worst part is, he pretends he's changed, but his fuse has just got longer. He puts on this nice guy act now, and he doesnt interfere with me as much because im now stone faced teenager with no personality, who goes to the gym.
i want to be someone, and not the person he made me to be.
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