What I Wish I Could Say to You

Dear N,

I thought of you today. i missed you. i spent time with so, so, so and it was fun. we watched a movie and it gave me flashbacks of the last movie we watched together. it was always fun watching movies with you.

it scares me to think that one day you won't come back. i know we said one year and maybe it would be earlier or later, but i have a feeling that by the time you come back it'll be too late. maybe i won't wanna try again. maybe you'll forget about me. it's hard. i wish we could've been friends but i'll always wish for more. i know i just gotta trust God and trust in the process. if you were truly mine you'd come back, if you don't, that means you were never mine to begin with.

i hate that i still remember things about you and about us. i wish i could lay on the ground in the places we made ours. like that stupid tennis court. i want to go there and cry and just come to terms that you're not coming back. i feel like my main issue is my perspective and my need to control knowing stuff. i feel like my pessimistic personality and just thoughts of doom impact that. i need to move on and live my life. and i shouldn't worry about you cause it's not my place anymore. i can't hold on like you still want me when you don't. and if the time comes that you find someone and move on, i cannot do anything about it. you are not mine and i need to come to terms with that.

this time i have to grow on my own and like you said be on my own adventure, is a blessing in disguise. it's hard to see it. and it's hard that you were part of my life for so long and it changed just like that. i may never connect with you again and that's okay. it's okay. i just want you to take care of yoruself and trust in yourself. i am going to stop talking about you less and less and i will do my best to forget you exist. or maybe a better way of phrasing it is im going to remember you as who you actually were. i am going to put myself first and do what's best for me. i hope enough time passes and i think of you less. but until then, i just gotta go through the motions until you become someone that isn't such a big part of life. my life.