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i hate myself. i hate myself so fucking much.
the funny thing is, no matter how bad it ever got (and it got really really bad), i cant remember ever hating myself this much as a kid. i mean ive been depressed since middle school. but i was sad and lonely, not hateful. but i actually hate myself so much now.
i dont want to blame my ex boyfriend, most of the time i dont have any hard feelings towards him (sometimes it gets really hard not to blame him and hate him, i know that he was having a hard time too), but i only started hating myself after he broke up with me. that was july.
mostly i dont want to blame him because thats not fair. most of this is on myself. i mean no one told me i had to drink my life away. thats a big reason as to why i hate myself now. also the fact that i seem to always fuck everything up. i can never keep consistent motivation or finish what i say i will. i have no follow through. i hate the things ive done to other people in the past. i hate the way i interact with people, its always so awkward and off. i hate that i dont trust anyone. i hate that i still end up sharing things with people. i hate the person ive become.
little me would be so disappointed. she'd ask what went wrong. she'd wonder why we stopped liking math. she'd question why we're still not happy even though we're following our dreams. she'd hate that i drink. well, that one depends on what age im talking to. anything 12 and under would hate it, 13 and up gets it. she'd look at me all confused and say "so it doesnt get better?" and id tell her it does, kinda, but not in the ways we wanted (or needed). in some ways it got worse. if i had to talk to little me, i would cry. i would hate breaking the news to her that this is who i am now.
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Every day is a fresh start, a new opportunity to rebuild. What's one thing you could do differently today/tomorrow to start that rebuilding?
Replyhonestly this comment makes me realize that i already did better today than most days, i just have a tendency to focus on the negative. i went to a coffee shop early this morning and spent 2 1/2 hours working on a project and i actually really enjoyed it (i had been putting it off). i can try to just enjoy my schoolwork like that again. i go to college for art, thats what i meant by following my dreams. im trying to enjoy it but i think i could try a bit harder
ReplyWhat we focus on really does make all the difference. It takes a bit extra effort, but try to look for the positive things that happen/you see throughout the day. The flower you see, the person smiling as you pass by, the sunrise/sunset. Life is about seeking beauty and truth :) Also, working on your project was a great thing to do!!
ReplyDo you hate yourself, or do you hate the bad things that happened?
Most of your discontent probably comes from those past events...
Learn to heal your wounds! 💪🏻❤️
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