Some written things about myself.

i don't care about anything

your words don't reach me

bitter and angry and sad and dumb

tempted to carve something funny on my forearms, and have the blood drip like water, and splash it on someone's face

i feel like screaming and crying at the same time

i should be grateful for what i have but i still reset to the same bad thoughts

i will not be medicated. i'm afraid of consuming drugs.

no therapy will resolve whatever struggle i have with myself. at this point i might as well trudge forward with these

complicated, unnameable emotions. the cloud of dark in my mind. this weight on my chest. i will NOT commit suicide. that's

one of the biggest things i could even say counts as "self-love"

my pretty face doesn't mean anything if i can't have someone in my life to stand me.

i am at fault for being a lonely freak throught most of my life. and also being unlikeable.

i have the urge to apologize to everyone i've probably ever wronged due to my way of being or just having done something

bad

i'm unclassifiable, unknowable.

i'm weirder than any of the other weirdos, by virtue of seeming almost like a normal person.

i feel like listening to carissa's wierd. it's a good band.

it's redundant to basically repeat the same things over and over about this "depression" i have.

i swear to god i don't like to call it depression, it's so fucking stupid

i battle with the ever-constant tidal waves that is my self-esteem. between love and hatred of myself.

i will not allow you to insult me because i will eat your gnaw your fucking throat with my teeth.

i'm afraid someone will care for me and find out i'm a really insecure and judgemental person. i know other people are

but when i think of this i let it sink in and feel bad.

please consider working on yourself and improving as a person.

i would like to share a prayer with this world to be more understanding and caring.

i'm a believer.

understand me. i feel like i'm inside a steel prison. i would like for someone to set me free.

i don't have friends. i have had some during my life but i don't have any now.

i have interacted with people on discord for a couple of years and then deserted such community when i realized

it was all a goddamn waste of time and the mocking and teasing stopped being funny.

i have been mocked most of my life. whether it was a joke or on purpose. you made me like this you fucking cunts.

it's all about me in the end. it always is.

self-pity is something someone has when no one has you. sounds awkward but it's true.

i find it hard to connect to people. i feel i'm missing out on having good friendships or having loving relationships

i have the annoying feeling of believing that i'm a bad person. i feel writing these things is some form of self-harm

that does not involve cutting myself (which i have never done) or punching and slapping myself in the head and face

(something i do from time to time when i'm a little bit special)

i was a fat kid. i was told i looked pregnant with my belly. the girls told me i had bigger tits than them. the boys

would make fun of me when i ran in PE because my butt would bounce and they'd laugh at me.

now i'm a rather skinny person, i look a lot better now. people actually like looking at me now. some people look at me

way too long sometimes when i take rides on the bus, it's like they're growing a crush on me, which fucking really weirds

me out. it's funny to think about when i felt like a nobody before when i was younger.

i used to hide behind a wall of fake internet bravado and edginess. spouting whatever stupid rhetoric about women

or lgbt people i thought about. racism stuff too (let's not forget, lol).

^ i hope you don't dislike me too much for having written this. lol. i'm sorry.

i don't terribly care too much what people think of me, but it is something that when it pops in my head i do think about.

most of the time i'm just being myself. i'd like to think at the very least i'm not lying to anyone, or myself, which is

a good thing.

everybody, please remember to be yourselves. even if you think it's stupid or pathetic or dumb or whatever, it's for your

own good. it's better to be remember for something you are than what you're not, isn't it?

it all lays within the "me". within the "you" you have in you.

what i'm trying to say, is to please love yourself. i'm sure there's someone that loves you. and if you don't, don't beat

yourself up too much alright? these silly feelings and emotions will pass just like everything else. just don't take your

life for granted, or take it away.

with love, this stranger.