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I feel like I will never experience anything again in my life. It's all online now, I miss my careless self when I was a child. I know it is probably nostalgia making things greater than they were. My turtles never go out and they are not out here typing their problems, but I bet they probably maybe would if they could... they only seen two places and that's the two houses we lived in, I'm just making the hypothetical case in which they would want to visit new places. I've been thinking a little bit, like always, here and there, about dying and how much it scares me, but not really about death... I'm not scared about being dead, I'm scared of the process because I honestly think it can't be pleasant. I don't know how to put things differently, I know I'm repeating myself, it's like I don't go out anymore and this is my life now; sitting here to rot with too much to think about things like death, for example. I've said too many things before and half of them I don't remember... well, there's too much to be able to grab from one place only... maybe a word or something might make me remember the things I've said before, but I do take my own advice, just saying. I'm not completely hypocrite to say something so meaningful and forget about it ever after. So yeah, I wanted to write today... whatever that may be; just so you know, this rant might be all over the place, because I put everything I wanted to say on a notepad to sort my thoughts and say things from there onwards. Next random thing I'm gonna say is I've been listening to sad music again, because sometimes feeling sad is the only, or best thing rather, I can do. I get sick of being sad for more than 1 hour anyways, but the feeling makes me feel even... high. I turn on a Spotify playlist and that's it, even though I feel sick of being sad pretty quickly, sometimes things surmount too high I'm incapable to deal with them. The universe used to be a mysterious place for me, but now it's like we are so conscious that the magic is gone; I often think how things and life have so much potential, yet there's a side of them that's completely disappointing or gets lost when we face down reality. Also, it's like my life makes so much sense at times... I gather small pieces of advice or a fragment from a song, and I completely understand and relate to it, but somehow that's not enough to make my life complete. I hate hyperfixation, I feel like my brain is a condensed point where I need to put all my thinking and efforts onto... that's what hyperfixation means, I think. I often doubt and there's no way to move forward but to regain composure and come back to my senses, because I feel like moving on in that rough state would be unbeneficial to my well being and happiness. I feel like I need to do things right, or otherwise I'm bound to live an unhappy and miserable life. Sometimes I wish I could fast forward the bad parts in life, like you do with a movie, to get to the conclusion or only experience the good parts.
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