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Five years ago, I was betrayed heavily by a group of friends. On the day of my family members funeral, they spread lies and rumors about me, they alienated me from everyone. They messaged me very hurtful things, and the rhetoric continued on forever. No apologies were given. No shoulders were offered to cry on. Stupidly, and out of desperation or some sort of twisted denial, I continued to try to be their friend. I was going through so much, and maybe I just didn't want to be alone. In hindsight, alone would have been better than what I proceeded to put myself through.
Nowadays, I would say I am mostly over this. I have cut all of these people out of my life, and I don't spiral about it as often. Most days, I can make it through without giving that experience much thought. On the other hand, there isn't a day that goes by where it doesn't at least cross my mind. Talking about it to others is something I could never even really consider. I think I fear that I won't be believed again. I also fear the discussion making me cry, because there is a part of me that went through this pain silently. Back then, I held everything in my gut, and silently let it eat me from the inside out, without ever saying a word.
It's been five years. I feel like it shouldn't bother me anymore, but it keeps me from making friends or letting people close. It keeps me from being myself. In every interaction, I must think every word through carefully. I must not be disliked. I must not be liked enough to get close to. I must not say anything that can be twisted into something else. There are very few people in this world that I can feel at ease to just be myself around.
Part of me feels like I should get help, but I am too scared. I just feel like I would have to be way too vulnerable. I don't think I could do that. And I don't want anyone to find out. It's so embarrassing that five years later, I can still be scared of this.
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if all of that was done on the internet, you shouldn’t worry about it. everyone should know take whatever you see on the internet with a grain of salt unless you know firsthand where it’s coming from to be anything real or truthful.
ReplyThis was done by a group of friends I went to school with and had been good friends with for years (some of them I had known for around 9 years). But thanks for the support either way. :)
ReplyI know I should offer support right now, but I mostly just relate to what you went through. You have to stop waiting for those apologies though, they only mean as much as you want them to. With the rumors you have to look within and accept that how people see you is not always reflective of who you are as a person.
ReplyYeah, I've also thought an apology wouldn't do much for me anyway. I'm not sure I could ever take an apology from them seriously. Thank you for saying you relate. Sometimes that is just as helpful, if not more helpful, than support. <3
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