I get it life

Life is throwing me signals, expecting me to understand them and move on from there, but it still doesn't feel right. It's like trying to fix a broken glass inside of a hole. I wish I was half the man some people with disabilities are. Don't I have nothing nice to say ever? We all know how this ends, so... I find it harder to think than before, and I keep lucid dreaming awake sometimes. Oh god, I just want for this torturous cycle of day and night to end, why must there be shadow and light? Why aren't things on a grey scale? Who knows where my mind is roaming right now... Please tell me we are gonna make it someday and we enter a new realm of existence where everything is perfect, and mean it. It always feels like I'm trying to reassure myself that my life is okay, but I keep losing my grip. Sometimes you have the will, sometimes you don't. I would like to leave this place, there's gotta be so much more to explore, right? This can't be everything there is. So why aren't more things happening? In the universe... It all seems so quiet, afraid to exist. But we are here, and what am I supposed to do about this amorphous, everlasting thing that is existence? It probably is distortion to a high, deep level we can't ever comprehend. Sitting in my chair right now, writing all these philosophical things. I'm wowed by this, life is one sad event.