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There are so many things that I want to say, but I can't seem to find the words. I see you, Quell. I see a man who has empathy and compassion for others. I see a man who has sacrificed so much of his life to give to others. I see a man who has gone above and beyond for family and friends, only to be met with disappointment and hurt.
It feels like you genuinely seek the worst out of me. I've hurt you, disappointed you, disrespected you, and not protected you. Same as your family has done. I could have the best delivery, and use the kindest of words and you'll still find that one negative word or phrase to use against me. You feel like I don't love you, or like you. That I hate you, despite how many times I say otherwise.
When you speak to me about what you're feeling my soul agrees. I feel the same way. I feel like my words mean nothing to you. I ask you if you understand and you tell me that you hear me, but you don't understand. You deliberately choose not to understand me because my words are meaningless. After all, I hurt you. You can't see past the hurt I've caused you long enough to see how affected I am. How defective and depleted. I have so much that I want to say but you won't hear me. What's the point? It's always how you're feeling, and what I've done. Where the fuck is your accountability!? Where tf do you think my feelings go when they are stifled under your inability to understand anything that I have to say? I'm tired of this shit. You want to be seen, heard, loved, supported, validated. Only your feelings are valid because you haven't hurt me in the same ways I've hurt you. But you've hurt me! You told me that you didn't believe that I was a victim of rape! You told me to chill, you weren't going to choke me out like my ex-husband did. You constantly tell ME what I'm feeling like I'm not the person feeling them! Why? It's because you don't want to accept the fact that you can hurt people too! You want to be blameless to continue shaming and condemning me! Fuck this shit.
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