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A while ago I was going though my mails and I found an unread mail and opened it and I read through this "what she said" mail and it felt like I shared my story to someone unknowingly cause what in Heaven's name was that correlation! The truth is I really don't know what to do with my life and that was "what she said" frankly speaking, she is actually doing well way better than I am cause she got a job that pays her over $120 per month, oh I am happy for her but sad for myself cause I don't got a job that pays me that much and I have got lots of debts to clear and I don't have a stable source of income and the only thing that looks like a source of income is not doing enough, imagine getting a little over $30 a month and you have approximately $300 debt to clear... it is definitely crazy and I can't explain the thoughts that goes through my mind per second, I am mentally drained and exhausted from trying to find what works or what does not. I am tired of this 'trial and error' career path, it drives me nut. I understand money is not everything but I dare to say if I start to earn enough to firstly clear off my debts and being able to sort some expenses, I would be happier... Now, trying to discover my passion is one level of not knowing but not knowing how to discover, where to look and how to look is a different level of not knowing as well and this hurts the most, my earlier rant about money is out of frustration on how to clear my debts and not live from hand to mouth, it is sickening. I know I have a thing for fashion but it is not strong enough to want to build a career out of it. sometimes i tell myself oh when I eventually get the chance to go to a proper fashion school I would do better and be more focused but nine freaking years down the line I have not gone to a fashion school due to majorly financial challenges and when I even got chances to learn again, I am asked "what is the proposed brand going to be about?" I go blank and completely lost, tight there is where I conclude that maybe it is not for me. I have gone as far as selling thrift wears, round neck T-shirts with prints, pastries, food and hair accessories, I remember now that I learnt how to make crochet dresses and I dumped the skill just like every other thing I have started, I never get to continue or keep up I am tempted to say it is beyond eyes meet and I am drained! A few weeks ago, I decided to venture into tech fully but I am at a cross road on that cause I am scared that I might start and lose interest later on. I need help, I feel really stuck and stagnant compared to my colleagues smashing goals and being unstoppable. I really envy the ones who have their heads straight and not giving up, I envy the ones who have figured it out and walking that path regardless. I greatly envy you and also the ones with multiple sources of income. I don't know what to do with my life...
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