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Warning: long post. Sorry.. TLDR at bottom.
Today makes a week since my relationship ended. "Logan" and I started 5 years ago as just tinder matches, fwb, whatever you'd like to call us. We had no title but we were doing "couple stuff". Neither was interested in a relationship at the time, I'd just gotten out of an abusive relationship and he was not looking for something serious. A couple years in however we got close and things shifted for us. He was lying to me(unknown at the time) at this time, that he wasn't talking to anyone else. I know this due to going through his phone. He told me Christmas night that he loved me and that's where we started really becoming more. That February after, we became official. This was after approximately 3 years. He was faithful for a while. We had fights like couples do, things would get said. One particularly bad fight he told me that "maybe he could get hard if I lost some weight." I got up to leave but he apologized and said it was just in anger and that I knew he had a problem and it wasn't me(He suffers from ED) . Soon it was fighting over dumb things that didn't matter. One in particular was because he was feeling like he couldn't do the things he liked (i.e. go to shows) because he'd never invited me to one or even mentioned wanting to go because he assumed I wouldn't like it/ want to go/ enjoy myself. I'm not big on crowds and am awkward but I told him if he wanted to go I was willing to do so. At the same time his friend also wanted him to go hiking with them and they're seasoned hikers. I've never been hiking and tend to be pretty clumsy. I told him I didn't want that to be where I first met his friends but he could go. Told him I wasn't in shape to keep up with experienced hikers on my first go around. He again makes a tactless comment "well when WILL you be in shape?" This marked the first breakup just a few months after we became official.
We kept talking, and I realized I didn't want this to end, because when things were good they were great. And we'd been through a lot together. We continued on doing couple things until we became official again (after much discussion and questions about what we were doing) during this time is when I became suspicious of cheating. He would act suspicious with his phone, so when he gave me access via fingerprint, I went through his phone. Sometimes while he slept during a show, sometimes when I was cooking and he had his music going. Before we got back together, he told me he wanted to work on things, however he had texted a girl the same day saying that he hoped he'd get a chance with her, even though she was in a relationship. ("Ashley M") The first thing I found when we became official again was that he was talking to a female coworker of his, "Mia O". Their talking started while we were in our first 3 years, when we had no title but grew closer and were sleeping together. She was at least 10 years younger than him and only 19-20 when they met at work. He told me when confronted that she had been to the apartment once and they only did oral (he said she sucked his dick but it wasn't very good and she wasn't good at it). Through snooping it was discovered that she had been there more than once and that not only was he talking about my and how I was sexually but they were also still sexting and that he was sending us both the same nudes. I did not tell him I knew this. I buried it and kept the relationship. The next one I found out about was "Jennifer B" who was at the next job he had. She didn't seem interested. He sexted but she didn't appear to reciprocate. What got me about this one is that he sent her dick pics on the same day I had surgery last October. I had asked him about both girls multiple times and he would lie to my face. She didn't send anything back from what I could tell. After a while Mia O responded to his pics asking what he wanted.. (Seems she got tired of being a side piece that he was never planning to be with and he only saw as someone he could take their virginity from. I say that because he talked about wanting to take her virginity). I once again buried this info. It hurt , sure. But in my brain I didn't want the relationship to end so I just pretended to be fine and ignorant of what was going on. Our sex life was on and off. We saw each other 2 days out of the week both overnight. He wanted sex 2-3 times in one visit/day. Sometimes that was possible sometimes it was not. This was a point of frustration in the relationship. I'd also made it clear that our fighting was not helpful.
This past May, he started acting suspicious again, this time he wa getting multiple notifications and I'd looked over and saw that it was his family and some girl. ("Estephanie L or Steph") He immediately swiped away the girls message(which was something like 'what's up'?) And when I asked he said "oh its just the family blowing up the group chat." I told him I saw him swipe someone else's name away and asked him why he lied about it. Again at this point he had no idea I knew about the other 2 from before. He gets up and goes into the bathroom, and comes back 20ish minutes later and tells me that "She's just a friend from when I lived in another city and they'd been catching up the day before and nothing was going on and he was sorry and didn't know why he swiped her away. " I had somewhere to be so I left it alone and went on my way. When I came back that night I looked at his phone. They had been flirty in their conversations over Facebook. From then on I watched whenever I could. They started exchanging nudes and sexting via snapchat. He would call her baby on Facebook messenger . He would tell her he wanted her company when he was out of town staying in hotels. He even video chat with her- likely masturbating together. (He would make excuses for why he couldn't send me nudes, but clearly had no issues with sending them to everyone else.) At this point he had told me that I had some serious trust issues and gaslit me . "You're acting crazy, nothing is going on" all while I knew about it. At this point I thought it'd gone into actual physical interactions so I confronted him. I told him that I knew about all three women and his first response was "how? Did you talk to them?" I told him no, I used his phone. He thought this was worse than finding the cheating. He tried to say that the first 2 happened before we were together, which partly was true. However both overlapped a time that we were 1.sleeping together or 2. Officially in an exclusive relationship. When getting to the 3rd woman, he said that "she was just a hot Latina with nice tits and a big ass" and that he never slept with her and that it was just like "using only fans or something" she had (by his confession) also told him that she "wanted to have his babies" (she's 40 with 2 kids one is 18). He said it was only over snap/ text and only photos, he said he didn't video chat with her (lie) and that she is "a mom of 2 living with her parents and kids 2 hours away" and it was stupid of me to think they slept together because of this. We discussed things and he promised to break it off with her. And I promised no more snooping through his phone. I kept this promise though I don't know about his end. He would get upset if I "reminded him of his mistake" and ask him about her or get suspicious about something he was doing.
His ED was getting worse, so the only choice was taking a pill so we could get at least one good session in, and if we didn't have more than one he was up all night, keeping us both up because he was hard and I didn't want sex. If we fought later in the evening, I wouldn't be horny. He refused to take care of it himself, instead opting to be " uncomfortable and in pain from blue balls all night." It was exhausting.. sex was good until it was like I was only having sex in order to keep him from cheating again. It was a vicious cycle..Fighting became constant. Last week D day , he got up to smoke weed, and I don't like the smell so I asked him if he wanted to do anything else tonight (because if he did I didn't want him going to smoke and then try to kiss me, I wanted him to come back to bed) he got angry and said nope let's just go to bed. I asked what was wrong, he said that he didn't feel wanted and that for once he wanted me to initiate. We were previously watching a movie that he was into so me asking him was initiating because had he come back to bed I would have done more. I told him that because of the ED he pretty much has to initiate because if I initiated and he wasn't ready, it would make him upset/mad/ frustrated which in turn would ruin my mood. I said that's why I let him initiate because I want him to be able to perform and to not end up frustrated. He continued to get more upset because he had taken a pill so OF COURSE he would want to have sex. So I told him that he should have answered yes then he knew why I was asking him before he smoked. He said to just leave. He said we were done. We had forced it for too long. I packed most everything, but once completed it hit me and panic started.. he wouldn't look at me. He just kept saying leave. I was in tears by now, begging and pleading. He said please leave you're making this harder than it needs to be.. it took a good while before I left, because I could tell this time he wasn't changing his mind.. he wasn't going to tell me to come here and he wasn't going to hold me anymore. It's been a week and my brain still just...doesn't want it to be over. I mean wth brain?! I knew the grief would be bad, but after the bad stuff I just listed... you'd think my brain would not have me depressed.
TLDR: After 5 years of growing from fwb to relationship to broken up and back together again with ugly things said and cheating on his side, grief brain still wants to be with this man.
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He seems to have a problem with your weight and goes to other women who turn him on more. He kept you on the side for a gf who is always there but when you told him that you had found out about the others things came to a head and he decided he didn't want you anyway. He could be a womanizer and will always cheat on whoever he is with anyway. You must realize that you are much better off without him and make an effort to find someone else who can be faithful.
ReplyThank you for your comment and I appreciate the insight. It's hard to see when you're blinded by love but you're absolutely right..
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