MY FAULT

I am at fault.

It was always me.

The pain that I’ve gone through

I created it

The walls I built

I built without reason

I am at fault for everything.

The scars in my mind are my fault

The scars in my heart are my fault

The scars on my body are my fault

The way you screamed at me is my fault

The way you look at me is my fault

The way you hurt me is my fault

I am guilty.

Guilty of holding onto things you have done

When forgetting that they happened would make things easier

Guilty of continuing to remember

When leaving it in the past would make things easier

Guilty of not knowing how to handle my emotions

Because physical pain makes things easier

Now I am battered

Now I am bruised

Now I am damaged

Now I am broken

Now I am scared

Now I am worthless

It’s all my fault

My fault

My fault

My fault

My fault you cannot control your actions

My fault you cannot listen

My fault you made me scared of affection

My fault that hugs are more of a noose than a safe place

My fault that I’m scared to cry, that it will make others shun me

My fault that I’m scared to anger, that I will hurt others

My fault that the bottle is overflowing, that only I am allowed to carry my weight.

My fault that my arm is wrapped in toilet paper hidden from view

It was always me, right?

I’m the reason I am hurting.

I’m the reason I am scared.

I’m the reason I am bleeding.

I’m at fault.