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When I was younger I saw a celebrity had died by suicide. I asked my father why do people kill themselves? He told me usually those people have done awful things and can no longer live with the demons that haunt them because of what they had done.
A couple of years ago I was watching a movie with my mother. The main character was being asked by his mother why he tried killing himself. My mother shouted "Porque es un pendejo!"
Maybe they're right, but I wonder they would tell me. Their son whose anxiety ate at his sanity every moment of the day. It seems to engulf me at every moment. I could just stop feeling this way in an instant and not feel anything at all.
Would they think I'm stupid, or a horrible person that had committed awful things?
I wish they could hear the thoughts that pass through my head.
"I'm tired."
"I wish I had the energy to keep going."
"I wish I would've amounted to something more."
"I want to feel safe. I can't remember the last time I felt safe."
I want to feel safe from these thoughts that consume me everyday. I want to find a sense of contentment knowing I did enough for the day. That it was all enough.
I envy the child that still gets a warm embrace.
I long to feel safe.
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I'm sorry. I love you, from one stranger to another. I know suicidal thoughts. I know how hard they are to deal with
ReplyIt’s so hard, but you are safe. Being safe and feeling safe are different, especially when we have anxiety that cause our fight or flight to misfire. There is a great calming video I found when I searched for Panic Attack Talk Down. I think it would maybe help in moments of great stress
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