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i feel like nothings worth existing anymore. how do i get out of this
5 months ago · 1
122
i dont know why every little thing affects me so badly. sometimes it would be something SO inconvenient like this morning i sent my friend something and she didn't react to it in a positive way. and it was okay no big deal. then i was abnormally feeling low today and then i realised that even that event played a big role in my deflated mood today cause nothing is going right and when something adds onto i just feel like not wanting to exist anymore. there's nothing that brings me happiness. my self esteem is at the floor. i went years feeling like a worthless person and now it seems like it'll take decades to get me out of it. even now when in societal pov im not doing so bad in my life (academically) i still cant get over it and some people just wont leave me alone about it. one day i was making a new friend and i told her about my academic gap years. and my mom was like "you shouldn't have told her about it. what if she thinks something bad about you?" which just reminded me of what a failure i was and it'll always stuck with me. it made me realise that they'll always think that way about me and i cant get out of it. sometimes when im feelng okay and finally feel like its not as bad anymore little remarks like these just gets me back to square 1. im so awkward socially and over the course of last few years i have lost the motivation and skill to even have a normal social interaction. i literally have no idea what and how to hold the most basic conversation. everyone finds me boring. i cant even speak up my voice literally breaks and my facial emotions and expressions seem so robotically fake and painful. every small interaction i have with people just ends up being more reason for me to never speak again. they always talk over me and ignore my existence. i literally have no presence or anything. the dullest and most basic personality. i hate this. when people are laughing and having fun talking or doing fun stuff all i can think ab is ending myself . i dont even feel an ounce of happiness or content inside. its so hard to fake it and try to match their energy. and when i dont its just me being miserable and lonely. i dont see anything that's worth existing anymore. even the things that used to excite me dont feel like they're worth it anymore. maybe they are. but i just couldn't care less about anything anymore. if i knew I'd die tomorrow i wouldn't feel a thing.
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Because you are young this is likely a phase you are going through. Stop thinking about yourself so much and have a hobby and do things that you like to keep your mind away from this.
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