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I don't get it. My life is good. I'm being responsible and going to classes, for the first time in my life I have a friend that I really trust and feel safe with. I am trying really hard to be social, even tho I have really bad social anxiety.
But why is it that I am so incredibly depressed? Why do I feel like nothing matters? Why do I wish to be anything else - dead or alive? Why do I keep feeling these intense emotions of wanting to die, when there is no reason for it? I'm tired of not having answers. I'm tired of seeing normal people going around their day. I hate how easy it is for them to get up in the morning, to be productive, to engage in conversation, to have dreams and goals, pursue them and be happy. Those are things I will never have, I have now come to terms with that. Every day is pure misery, every day I have to push myself and for what? In hopes everything will be alright? For many people there is no good days- just less shitty ones, as it is the case for me. Those days "ah finally I got away" I thought, but it just makes the misery so much harder. At this point I don't want to get better. I can't bear when things go back to shit, and I don't have the power to even try and get out. Worst part is, it's not only about me, its the people around me as well. I know that I am not good for them, I will only hold them back on the happiness they deserve. I might even destroy the good things they have build for themselves. I don't mind giving up on myself or even life, but I don't want it to affect everything else.
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If you haven't been to a doctor about your depression it is time to do so, and if you are on antidepressions talk to your doctor about how you feel now because you might need different medication.
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