Having to move on

I can’t stop thinking about him though I know I must move on. He’s told me he doesn’t want to pursue something more serious. I know he’s afraid that anything real between us would break his heart because I am leaving the country for grad school soon, though I am set to return in a year and have a cousin who lives near him who will let me stay with her to visit him. I suggested we start seeing each other more seriously and I would come back to visit as much as I could. He left last year for another country right after it was made clear we liked each other, and through all that time and the time since he came back, it was clear we both still did like each other. He has said he thinks I’m smart and beautiful and funny and thoughtful and he really likes being around me and talking to me and he admires me and finds me endearing and adorable and a year ago said he thinks of me as someone who would be an excellent partner in dating and in marriage. And he is ultimately terrified it won’t work out. I think deep in his heart he fears I may leave him and that it would reaffirm his deepest insecurities about himself, because he’s also someone who has historically cared more than the other person, and someone you really like leaving you would sting worse than much else. It’s understandable that finding someone he feels about the way he does me is frightening when he’s never even had a girlfriend before, and at a relatively young age too. He has also told me in a roundabout way that it makes him insecure to know a lot of other people also want romantic attention from me and that he thinks I’m much more attractive than him, which is insane to me because I like him more than anyone else and don’t want anyone else. I have been proposed to three times in the past year but I would rather go on a date with him than marry any of the others. To me he is funny and sweet and has a kind soul and I admire his work ethic and he is so patient and has a great relationship with his family and I feel so secure and like I can be myself around him and on top of all that, I think he’s beautiful too. He has the most expressive eyes and he’s so perceptive and he’s done so much to be close to me too, always asking me questions reciprocally and checking on me. He has the cutest mole on his nose and his hand holding mine sends waves of relief through me. He leans his head on my shoulder sometimes and smiles so bright. He relaxes so much and leans into my touch when I run my hand through his hair. On a whim one night, he drove to my house just to see me for an hour when I said I missed him. But in all this, what I hear is that he’s not willing enough to see if it will work out. He’s been falling for me for years, and that’s clear to me now. And in the past year things have progressed as I opened up to being attracted to him after years of friendship. I had been blind to the fact that he liked me, though it’s been very obvious in hindsight and our mutual friends had been saying he liked me the whole time. He invites me out with him and I’ll hold his arm and we’ll walk and eat and talk and dance together. We have so many shared memories. We talk everyday. He’s not seen anyone else seriously, while I’ve dated other people in the time we’ve known each other, and I know it’s something that makes him uncomfortable. He doesn’t say so, which is good because he has no leg to stand on when he refuses to even take me on a real date, but it’s in the way he acts. We’ve kissed recently and in the next day he said it makes him too nervous to be anything but friends and it made him panic to think about things ending with me. And I have to trust that. That we will only ever be friends. It’s hard to forget, the warmth in his eyes, how gently he held my face, the little kiss and his arms around me melting my worry, the way he tries to make me feel safe and protected. Laughing together at jokes between kisses. Softly telling me how much he likes me and how beautiful he thinks I am. That he can’t get over me. I could feel his smile when he kissed me. And always, always, holding my hand to be close to me. He’s told me the kisses have been all he’s thought about, and that his anxiety is crushing him because he still likes me so much. I have heard through the grapevine that he has told his friends that he thinks I really am perfect and that it didn’t work out wasn’t my fault, but his. But what am I meant to do with that? I can only let go and find someone who is actually willing, and I know he wouldn’t blame me if I found someone else. I cannot make it my business to convince someone that it’s worth it to try. I understand his hesitation but I just have to let go or it’ll hurt me to know it didn’t work out. I do think he was worth the chance, and worth the wait. I know how rare of a connection this is. But he’s told me he doesn’t want to take that chance, and so I just have to leave these feelings behind. If I don’t, what will happen to me when he eventually finds someone else? He has already given me up. I hope eventually I won’t want his kisses still. But right now, I do still wish for it. I had a friend tell me that just because we aren’t together now, doesn’t mean we won’t be when I return. But it makes me so angry to think about. I don’t want him to think I can wait for someone who is noncommittal about me. It just feels so insulting in a way. And in any case, the issue isn’t really me leaving for a while, it’s that he doesn’t believe we’d work out and that losing me would hurt too much. In every other regard, it looks like it could work out. We get along so well because we’re alike, and also different enough that we can learn from each other, and we expose the other to our interests and support the other in theirs. We come from the same hometown, our friends and family like each other. Similar goals and similar life plans. Generally we soothe each other. Same moral values. We enjoy each other’s company a lot, to the point that we miss each other when we’re apart. He has told me he likes me, and acts like it too. There have been times where I know he wants to tell me he loves me, and is too afraid to, so he just shows me instead. I’ve been wanting to tell him I love him too. But I guess we are just ultimately incompatible because I want to give it a chance, and he doesn’t. What can I really do but move on? I have to trust that this is for the best and let it go. Something better will come along, other someone else or him if he can heal his anxieties. We see each other again soon before I leave, and I don’t know how I’m going to handle it to be honest.