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I completely lost my mind while I was dealing with this man.
We were in a relationship of sorts. He has been suicidal since November of last year, and I have some emotional baggage surrounding that (from my pervious relationship). I started acting towards him like I had with my ex - fawning, don't say anything that might make him more upset, try and be encouraging and make him feel loved. In doing so I feel like I abandoned my self and I completely lost all reason. I'm sure I came across as clingy, but it wasn't because I was afraid of abandonment - I just didn't want him to kill himself. He made an attempt earlier in the year, and that just heightened my anxiety about things. I threw all of my mental and emotional energy into trying to figure out how to save him, how to bring him back from the point that he was at. I know I wasn't healthy for him. But I feel like such a crazy person because of how everything went down.
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Hi, that's really awful. But please don't blame yourself or allow his decisions to ruin your life. In my experience (as a suicidal person myself), if someone tries to help then it will either work immediately or it won't. It's not a matter of putting more effort into it, or trying harder, or trying something different. It just works or it doesn't.
In your case it sounds like nothing was working, and you ended up pouring more of yourself into it. It's like a gambler who keeps betting, thinking luck will change, but it doesn't. I guess you know that now because it sounds like you managed to get away. The damage to you is probably deep, but I think you can heal. Suicide is an awful thing and it affects everyone (whether it happens or not).
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