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i have always been in one various form or another been in some kind of crisis. not a day of my life has gone by where i feel like a complete human being, or like i know who i am, and what it is that i'm supposed to be doing with my time here. majority of my life, i've struggled with suicidal ideations and tendencies. it was a long fought battle, and i can say that i am coping much better and healthier with that problem now than i ever have been in my entire life. i still suffer with other issues, but ultimately i am on the up and up. i am still in some kind of crisis, however. i'm not sure if this is the way it's supposed to feel as an adult, but i don't know if i can keep up. i am always at my wits end, but i do maintain a fulltime job and that's one of my bragging points. i hate my life and i have no direction, but at least i have a steady source of income to blow (involuntarily, i didn't ask for bills)! right now, my current crisis is my directionless lifestyle has become an issue. now that i'm older, and still alive and doing all sorts of adult things, i should have my shit together by now but i'm more akin to a deer stuck on a frozen lake. i'm trying really hard but i'm not really going anywhere. i don't know if i should go to college, try my hand at videomaking, become an independent writer, completely go off the grid and never talk to anyone again, move to another country and change my identity, become a devoted employee to a company for the rest of my life and never leave, do a lot of crime and go to jail forever, i don't know, i'm lost. the concept of picking a path to follow for the rest of your life is not something that occurred to me until recently, as recently i've only come to the realization that i'm going to be alive for the rest of my life. i don't have much to go off of though, my parents never had money or a good education, i don't have many friends, the ones i did have weren't great, my partners were not partners, and my education was a joke. i'm not an idiot, i'm definitely capable, i just lack the ability to decide. on anything. i'm on the fence, constantly, and while i've gone through various stages of my life, overcoming problems and encountering new ones, but my inability to understand my own feelings, my own desires, my own wants and drives, my own needs and hinderances, and my own personality and behaviors are causing me to struggle on where i stand with any of it, and is causing me some distress in my personal planning for the future for. dealing with all of this also weighs heavily on the progress i've made with myself on wanting to be alive. i don't know if this is something normal that most adults go through or if i just have a serious mental health issue (which is more likely). i'm not necessarily asking for advice, merely making a side note for later developments. hopefully this feeling of being lost improves.
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