to the ones we love, and the ones we love to love

I was so young, so naive, no innocent, only love I endured was those of corny movie tropes, and 90s rom coms that I watched to fit in. Three boyfriends. in three years teaches you a lot about yourself, the ones you love, and the ones you love to love. I often look back and reflect on all the greatest loves of my life, yet not a single spoken word to either of them has seemingly left my mind. I look back and I see love, glory, happiness. The though that for a second, just for a second the world stopped, the walls stop, and the aching voice that corrupts my thoughts stopped. But when I think about it, I come to a saddened voice, the one that for a second was shut out. Do I love him? or did I love that we did everything together, that he was my best friend, that he woke uo at 3 am on my tournament days to be able to talk to me, that even when money was tight he bought my coffee for me and showed up with flowers every week. Do I love the person standing in front of me, or do I love the ghost that traces behind them as I watch from a far? That I will never know. I often come across the small gifts I was once given, the matching shoes and the urge to wear them again, the hoodie we once shared, the red sweater that I buried myself in sobbing every night. I often think. I think about how I look at you be happy and I can't help but feel so empty yet so relieved, I think about how much everyone hated me for dating you, and I think about the feeling of defrosting my stone cold personality and being able to feel again with you. I miss the embraces, I miss the laughs, and I miss the smiles. But do I miss you? Do I miss the 18 year old, getting ready for college, gym obsessed, music connoisseur, or do I miss the times you held me as I cried, the times you looked at me and told me you were so in love with m, and all the times we shared headphones in class. Will I forever be in love with the shadows of you, or for one will the flesh and bone contempt me