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Okay. So I'm 19 years old and I have experienced some depression and loneliness shit before like Covid-era. Right now I am fighting with this stuff again and I am trying to handle this as a mature young adult. Also, I have to decide my early life options, such as applying for a university, (currently) doing my driver's license, and preparing myself for an English level C1.
Firstly, I haven't done such things as writing anonymously and I believe this can work out later (at least I hope) and it is way faster than handwriting lol.
To start with it. Whenever I'm thinking about universities it's just giving me the feeling as if I'm suffocating. It happened with me earlier, last year too, and (not because of that) but I took a gap year out. February is almost here and I don't know how to dissolve this stress.
I thought I was gonna be more free. Right now I'm feeling hopeless, I still haven't decided which direction I wanna go in. Not to mention that my high school friends just got further from me (except one) and I also have problems with one of my childhood best friends. With the three of us, I would say we have a strong connection but.. One of them is almost always in a relationship and she's only looking for us when she has some trouble which she didn't tell us for a long time.. I miss her so much because she's the silly one and I am also an extrovert personality. When I met her (obviously) she was on her phone and answering her boyfriend but when I wrote to her I got an answer after one day. However, I don't blame her because I can see that she's in serious love after 2 shitty relationships but it still hurts.
I wish those were the only problems but.. My mother believes in spiritualism and she takes this seriously. I have had tasks to do and she also gave me the feeling that if I'm not gonna do them it will turn out badly and I'm gonna experience bad life situations. And it still won't be a problem but she gave me fears, although, I spoke with her that I feel like this.
I was under control, I couldn't do such simple things like go to a concert or have a boyfriend if he's not good, etc.
Earlier I did go out with somebody because he was okay for mum but I couldn't feel the same way so I let him go. Now she's saying "I didn't save him" and it happened twice.
Also, I got one of my ears pierced in summer in the ear cartilage and (who would have thought) she said that's why my life is so hard. Bruh.
Anyway, I still don't know why am I writing this, because I tried everything to cure my shit and I am tired of this. It's just giving me the anger of how pitty crybaby I am and the fact that as a 19-year-old, I can't learn or do my English or driving license homework because I'm unmotivated, unhappy, and yes, lonely.
I am not expecting a lot after I share my (little) story, I just hope that I am not the only one who feels the same.
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