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Im dreading Christmas. I do not like this holiday. I hate knowing that someone will spend money on me even when I don’t want them to, even when the whatever materialistic item will probably have no use to me. Don’t waste your money on me? I wish I could just say. I hate HATE the dread of the inevitable guilt that comes with any gift. I would much prefer to give people things, it’s nice, it comes with very little stress. It’s a manageable stress, one that I can easily remedy by simple asking people what they might want, instead of wondering IF they might just hate the gift. The dread that comes from the stress of inevitable, upcoming guilt of Christmas sucks. If I were to be less vague, for once in my pathetic sheltered and guarded expressing, my father asked what I wanted, but I didn’t have anything to say. Later he says he is finished shopping. I don’t mind if I receive nothing, it is not really the point. It is the guilt that he wants to spend money on me at all if it is not a necessity, just because he’d feel bad if he didn’t or whatever. So now I must be very explicit in my gratitude because I don’t want him to feel bad. I AM thankful that he cares, I just don’t know how to express it properly and I stress out so much at expressing things properly lest I appear a complete dick. So the experience, I dread, will be fully guilt ridden, paused only if he (hopefully) is happy about his gift. I sound like a terrible person, I know I do. It hurts deeply to even speak on the dread because it only brings up more feelings of guilt, of how dare I ever be ungrateful, because that is what I’m being, an ungrateful spoiled asshole. I wish holidays brought up any feelings other than that pervasive worth-crushing guilt. Maybe we could go somewhere instead, fucking anything. It’s unfair of me to not spend quite a bit of money on them, since they insist to do that for me, but I do not have a lot of money to spend, I wish they did not insist! Oh, it is all awful. There is no good way of putting it, so it must just be awful. I am an awful person, I am unthankful. There is no getting around it. This tradition brings the worst of me. I wish I could run away for the holidays, I wish it did not happen, I wish I could escape it in some way. And the intense consumerism just kind of grosses me out. Maybe when I turn 18 I will go away for the holidays, and I can send them things in the mail, and not have to worry so much about receiving things in return.
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Ask your father to donate some money on your behalf to a favourite charity of yours. You could sponsor an animal in an animal sanctuary.
ReplyJoin the Jehova's Witnesses because they don't believe in Christmas.
ReplyI think everyone feels differently about these kinds of things so I wouldn't worry too much about being what others may call "out of the norm".
For those close to me (the adults anyway), I typically shoot for three items - something they want, something they need, and something "just because". Those first two items, a need and a want, are usually something they've hinted at over time. The "just because" gift is typically something I've stumbled upon and think they may appreciate.
It's not a rule I always obey as I sometimes don't have an item for all three buckets or simply can't afford an item or two from the list. But that's my goal.
For the kids, we set a spending limit and try to get them what they want and blow any balance on smaller stuff for them. Younger people would tell you that it's impossible to get too many gifts, wouldn't they? Ha.
But I'm older now and my mother has asked me this year to not get her a gift. She says she has no room in her home for additional decorations, says she doesn't need anything, and that she really just wants us to all enjoy the holidays. We'll be going to her house soon to have a Christmas gathering with them and exchange gifts and whatnot. My wife and I understand the ask but feel bad for showing up empty handed. As a compromise, we've ordered an assortment of holiday treats to be delivered to their house prior to our arrival. I see this as a win/win, really.
But some of my kids are just old enough to have small jobs now and they've made mention of trying to get us adults gifts and I've told them, over and over and over again, to save their money for themselves. I'm just at a point in my life where, if I want something or need something, I can just go buy it. I want to give to them, though, and see their happy faces.
But I also understand that they want to give us gifts because they want to feel that same feeling too. They want to have the feeling of "I've given you something and you like it - I've done a good job.". That said, should my kids get me anything, I'll open the gift, I'll love it, and I'll love them for the thought and gesture.
Many people, especially adults, should be ok with receiving any ole' gift from a friend or loved one, I think. It's nauseating to me to hear someone say something along the lines of "My husband gave me this and it's absolutely terrible" or "My mother makes these for me each year and I can't stand them", etc. I don't expect that anyone cut cartwheels over every gift they receive but we can all, at the very least, pretend to be appreciative.
Again, that's just my take on it. I had this conversation with a good friend recently and his idea of gift "swapping" is very different in that he (an adult by the way) has a wish list and if you don't get him something from that list, he doesn't want it. Ha. And yes, I got him a few items from his list plus a bonus item he doesn't know about yet (I know he needs the bonus gift). I think it's silly how he handles that situation but, again, we all treat it differently.
In the end, I suppose many of us simply push through doing the best we can during the holidays. Many suffer for other reasons - they can't afford gifts for their children, they are sick, etc.
When you father asks what you'd like for the holidays, I think it's fair of you to ask for an outing or special meal as opposed to a materialistic gift. A good time of togetherness is a fantastic idea. I hope, as well, that your father is capable of purchasing you (or anyone for that matter) gifts for the holidays without expecting gifts in return. For many, like me, it just feels good to give a gift I suppose.
From your story, I'm guessing you are in your teens and have limited funds. My kids are in the same boat which why, again, I've asked them to not get me anything. I'm sure they'll make the time and effort to muster something together for me and I'll be appreciative but I certainly don't expect such a thing. They'll be able to do more (the amount they want to do, not the amount I'm asking) when they get older and have better ways of acquiring funds for gifts and such.
The holidays are close and I know this is taking a toll on you, mentally. Just know that we're wishing you the very best. I hope you'll find it easy to accept the gifts others are wanting to present to you and I hope you'll not feel too bad for being too young to gift the same in return. This is the natural order of things. One day, years from now, you'll be the adult and it'll be your turn to explain to the young adult that you don't want or need a gift to help them feel at ease about it all.
Good Luck!
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