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I have the feeling that I am less than everyone. Why was I cursed with these lackluster genes? Like, I know there are people who have it worse than me, but my mind tells me they are happier about themselves than me, and everybody likes them more. I have doubts, I do. I feel like people bring me down all the time and I'm fighting to understand what is going on inside their heads, because I know we are all human but sometimes they feel light years away from me. There's a part of me that accepts when people tell me "no, you're not a failure", and other that it's convinced that I need to wake up and realize that's not true, because you are the only one who is going to conquer your things in life, and people will do all sorts of things, like bring you down or even uplift you, but you need to step up and realize that you are the person living in your skin, and that nobody else comes close to that reality. But I still feel like crap, I feel downgraded by people regardless. I feel survival of the fittest more than ever, I feel like we have kids to leave our enemies behind, saying "see ya, sucker", and swiftly wish for everybody else's downfall while we pray our children will carry on with our genes. I just hate it here, I know that I am less, and I can't really do anything about it. Everyone feels to me like they are better than me. I am ridiculous. And I talked about a person several times on here, and now that person's engaged, and I had feelings of jealousy for that person before, that's what almost every post about him was. And I try to be happy for him, but I really am. I never assumed we had like a romantic relationship or anything, at all. He was just my beacon of light, and I was there for him. So he now has a girlfriend, and I see everybody moving on with their lives, and I'm taking everything for granted, like the fact that I'm not going to have kids, and I'm going to live maintained my whole life. I'm going to continue to feel patronized by people, feeling less, etc. I'm low key waiting for my death. I want to be done with it all. Oh, I don't know how or when it's gonna happen? Whatever. Is it gonna be painful, probably? I don't care. Everyone died up until this point, and I'm no exception. Did it ever happen if we are going to die? Did it matter at all? I don't know, it's gotta matter something, right? There's always something in the air. I feel like a disgrace to the human race.
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