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Hey all I've got a confusing situation regarding a friendship. I could use some guidance when it comes to being able to tell if a friendship is worth keeping and, if so, how I can fix it.
So I have a best friend of about 6 years. We have been together since 8th grade. She has been my only friend for most of that time and only recently have I found another friend I'm getting close with. I enjoy being alone. She is my only friend because, honestly, I just don't meet many new people because I'm happy with one good friend, and being by myself most of the time makes me really happy. She's so fun to be around. She has the same sense of humor as me, and we have so many inside jokes. After being away from each other for a long time, we still easily act like best friends. Which is great because I like to spend long periods of being alone. Again, the relationship has never been hindered in all the years we've been friends.
The only thing is that whenever I leave her house, I always think back to these moments with new clarity and realize I wasn't okay with the way she said or did a few things. In the moment, I act like I don't care or don't have a chance to think about it, but when I'm home and relaxed, I realize I have this icky depressing feeling like I did something bad; sometimes I even feel it when I'm with her and I've had a few seconds to gather my thoughts.
She's very vain. She spends at least 50% or maybe more than that of her time in front of a mirror and talking about how she looks bad. It gets to be exhausting because, number 1, I have to reaffirm her over and over every 20 minutes constantly. It also makes me insecure about my looks because she's always saying she looks bad when, in my mind, she always looks so much better than me. She's bleached, her hair blond, and wears lots of makeup, and always has a nice outfit. So I start to think, wow, how ugly must I be then? I start to feel insecure around her because of that, and I don't like that I also start to look at every reflective object the way she does. Usually around the end of an exhausting day of me tell her she looks great, I'll say something like yeah my hair looks horrible or I don't like my outfit and shell ethier just not say anything and have an er of annoyance or she'll just say no you look fine. Never you look beautiful; never anything close to how I affirm her.
The problem is I'm so supportive of her in this aspect as well as many others and she really never reciprocates it. She makes remarks like "The reason people think you're dumb is because you're so shy," She often says things that are rude like this that I would never say to her. I'm sure she doesn't mean to be rude but the fact that she didn't care enough to word it differently makes me sad. She seems to think because people are weird or flawed or just not as pretty, they aren't as good as "us". She says it as a joke, but it's very apparent in her actions and repetition of the joke that she means it. On a few occasions, she called me flat-chested, although I'm not, and in all honesty, if she lost maybe 20 pounds, she would be the same size as me. But the thing is, I don't even want to call her fat when she makes fun of my weight. I don't want to get her back. I want her to treat me the way I treat her.
I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and forgive, but I do worry if I'm being taken advantage of. It's hard for me to tell these things. Thinking about it right now makes me feel like crying. I do this almost every time we hang out but I keep coming back for the wonderful parts of our friendship and forgetting the bad. Please, I would so appreciate any advice you have for my situation. I feel so confused and lost right now.
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Hey,
So i just wanted to say i was in a really similar situation. I feel like the thing that's tying you two is history. But it's not relevant. Everything in the world changes. Things, people, friendships, your mind, and of course yourself and her too. It's not something to be gulity over, that's just the way that we are. You had wonderful past I'm sure. Lots of memories, but maybe, just maybe it's time to find another one of those sparks you had in the first couple of years of being in this friendship. You still love each other like friends do, but you both gotta move on. Find your people. Because this is just gonna hurt. You have to let go in order to gain. Push old out to let new in. You feel bad about your friendship that looks like it's not working anymore. Are you gulty for stuff you cannot control? Stuff that came natural? The connection between the two you is not how it used to be but it's still damn strong. At the end of the day you have to choose if you'll hold onto it or let go. Going through pain just to keep that friendship alive is not good. You have to close the window no matter how beautiful the view is. Sometimes it's better to go even without the assurance of having the same thing you had, than letting someone tear you apart. I understand you like her, it's your best friend after all, just not the best friend you know and need.
With love Natalie :)
The choice is yours, stay or let it go
I'll stand with you no matter what.
You can do it i believe in you, just do what feel right.
ReplySorry for the grammar mistakes :) it's kind of middle of the night and i barely see my keyboard,
Natalie
ReplyThis tough love is BS and there's no joke if she is always commenting about it. Normally, jokes are dropped once a while. Not like a mantra to stick to your mind and make you believe her words. In the end, you're only getting hurt. I wouldn't spend my time anymore. Focus on yourself, how you feel, what you feel. Get busy. Find new hobbies, studies and so on. You'll turn out to be a better person. Don't waste your life with this "friendship". It took me 10 years to cut off a friendship that never did any good.
ReplyYou're right she shouldn't treat you like that. You give her reassurance and she gives you a you're fine instead youre beautiful. She sounds miserable really. Calling you fat is probably a way to make herself feel better and it sure doesn't make it right either. She may be kidding about calling you dumb but she still shouldnt call you that. You don't call her fat and dumb I assume.
I totally understand your feeling of wanting treated the way you treat her. Its your decision on what to do. I don't think I would throw away the relationship you have with her though unless she's done something really really bad to you. The way to test a friendship is if they're there when you need them or not. Like in emergencies or hard times. Also if she says those things again call her out on it. Say did you really have to say that? If she don't apologize Im sure she's too much of a friend. Only you really would know her. It doesn't do well to make enemies but if you can't get along you may need to part ways. I hope this helps :)
ReplyYeah, your friend sounds toxic, even though you can have good times with her. She puts herself down knowing that you'll reassure her, but she won't reassure you when you put yourself down. Her insulting comments about your apparent shyness and about your weight is also a red flag. Real friends don't treat you like this. I know you want her to treat you the way you treat her, but that may never happen. You can talk to her about how you feel, hoping that she'll listen to you and change her behavior. Or you can allow the relationship to fade out. At the very least, you should spend less time with her.
ReplyI'm beyond grateful for all of your support and insight. Thank you for taking the time to read my long post and respond. It was just what I needed to hear. After sleeping on it and talking with my parents, I have decided to let the relationship fizzle out. I do not want to start drama or end on bad terms, but I will not put effort into the relationship anymore.
Reply