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It always happened to me that I realize how little of a dedicated person I am, at anything at all. Can you imagine waking up every day to go to work? ‘Cause I sure can’t. School was the only thing, I would say, that was a fully dedicated period of my life... and I used to skip days out of laziness or for excuses. One word that would define my life is “Random”; I do everything at random hours and whatever I feel like. I would be afraid to be anything but human, so I consider myself lucky. I’m in my late 20s right now, and I can’t truly think what my life’s gonna be when I’m like 50, if I ever reach that milestone, and without my mom there. This is crazy, I hope humanity starts achieving some things, like for one I would like for us to find a cure for aging or death. I’m trying to envision what my life would be if I wasn’t so all over the place and at the same time nowhere; I live my life comparing myself to others, and I know you might tell me not to compare myself with others. I can tell you one thing so far, it doesn’t get better. I wish I could leave a key behind for anyone reading this, or even myself, but everything moves along and gets forgotten. Every time I’m happy, I say to myself “yes, now I’m feeling happy... I wonder how’s life going to betray me again”... this is true, I do that lately. I’m self aware or became self aware that the things in life or happiness last too little. I’m just trying to keep myself busy lately, whatever way I can. I usually get triggered with everything these days; words, people, family, etc. But music seems to be the only exception. So I like to listen to music, I think Spotify is great for that... literally all day listening to music, at least today. And maybe put a movie without sound as a visual entertainment while I listen to music... seems great. I don’t know anymore, I’m trying to get by. I’m still fascinated by the fact that I’m going to die, even though I probably shouldn’t at my age, but it’s probably because I feel too alive now that I wonder about it, I don’t really know. Too much to keep track of, you know, I think life just isn’t that good, at least for us. You could know or have it all, but unfortunately we are timed and it has to come the day where we have to go. Earth’s going to continue spinning, our sun is probably going to stop shinning, we are going to get engulfed by a black hole or something... all the natural beauty of earth’s gonna be gone; mountains, icebergs, seas, trees, plants, etc. We are in one hell of a ride, straight to hell and damnation. You know I will not remember any of what I just said after I leave this here... but I hang on every word I just said. I’m afraid to even take one thing for granted anymore, because I know the negative forces of the world that rules us might strip me off my assumptions and make them all wrong. So I just live day by day, accepting reality, you know, I still don’t like it but it is what it is. Earth is here now, and did you ever wonder that before it wasn’t? It’s here now and it makes us all sorts of confused, because now we have something to work with and time seems relative and frozen. Did I derail too much? I wish I could take it day by day and be as dedicated as some of the most dedicated people are, or at least somewhat dedicated. I’ve been too much all over the place at any given moment in my life lately, and I just need... a purpose, a reason to live. Thank you for reading if you did.
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