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do you ever feel like what you feel isn't even real? like no matter how much i cut myself it's still fucking fake. i'm still fucking fake.
i feel like a coward i guess, i wanna die really bad because i don't want to live life. i have thought about suicide a lot, i nearly did it earlier this year, but now whenever i think about it i freak out beacuse i don't want to hurt my parents like that, and the thought of how permanent it is is scary. but then i think about living and i feel to lazy to do it, i feel like i shouldn't even be alive. i wish i would just go to sleep and not wake up, or get hit by a car by accident, or just simply disappear without anyone noticing.
it's really weird because i'm not even doing that bad, but life just seems like shit and i don't really like myself anyways, i don't have any friends anyways, i probably never will. i think i might have maladaptive daydreaming (you know that thing where you daydream excessively) and i feel like that may be part of the problem, because it feels like the only way for me to live a life is through these daydreams, like i don't want to put any effort into living because i'd rather do it through my daydreams.
the annoying thing is sometimes i just feel so normal that i'm not even feeling. like i'm trying to convince myself that i want to die, that i hate myself or whatever. i don't know if that makes any sense. in a way maybe that's why i cut myself, because it's the only way for me (and others) to feel like my emotions are valid, like i'm feeling bad "enough". but then i feel like such a fucking failure when i don't cut myself deep enough, like i just really want to cut deeeep you know? like i want it to hurt, to actually hurt, but whenever i cut it doesn't hurt that much. and then i egt stuck in a cycle, like last night: i cut myself and i do it again and again until it feels satisfactory enough (it never does), and then i started crying and then i start to hyperventilate (what's up with that? like i start to hyperventilate but it's not a panic/anxiety attack because i don't have any of the other symptoms, i'm just hyperventilating).
anyways idk help
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