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Looking back at the time my ex and I broke up, and after that
5 months ago · 2 · Embarrassing, +3 · Explicit
162
Ugh, I hate talking about the time when I broke up with my ex 7 years ago, more because my past behavior embarrasses me. It's on my mind, so maybe writing it down will help.
In the months leading up to our break up, the relationship got a lot more physical and intense. While my ex had more demands placed on him considering that it was his junior year of college, I became more and more clingy and demanding. I was pretty emotionally unstable, yet stable enough to hide it from my family. I was pretty incessant with my text messaging. I'm ashamed to admit this, but once or twice I would call his number to verify that his phone was turned off. My ex never told me to back off, his mom did. I listened, thankfully. Looking back on my past behavior, I can't believe I used to be toxic like that. I wasn't like that in the early part of the relationship, so I often wonder what the hell happened to me. Though my grandmother's death and bad drinking habits might have been a contributing factor.
Another thing that embarrasses me about the break up is that my ex and I had a sort of situationship about five months afterwards. I was much more emotionally stable during that time, thankfully. But I still thought of him as my boyfriend and referred to him as such. Why did I do that? Oh right, this was back when I had some strange ideas about relationships; I believed that my ex was my one true love. Why? The first taste of love is overwhelming when you're young. Obviously, I did not have the life experience needed to put my feelings in perspective. It also didn't help that I didn't get a balanced view of relationships; my sister married her first love, and I had a friend who fantasized marrying her boyfriend of the month. I assumed that because I wasn't like my friend I had to be like my sister; I did not see being somewhere in the middle as an option. So, I maintained this situationship in the hope that it would turn back into a relationship, because I felt like a moral failure for my ex and I breaking up in the first place.
After the situationship ended, my ex and I did maintain some contact since we had been friends 4 or 5 years before we started dating. In fact, we still talk on a regular basis. I started to let go of the romantic feelings I had for my ex, slowly but surely. Yet, a part of me still held onto a vague hope that we would eventually get back together. Or maybe it wasn't so much that I held on to hope that it would happen, but that I didn't acknowledge that there would be a finality of it not happening, such as your ex marrying someone else. In my case, it was the realization that I would never become his grandfather's granddaughter-in-law, based on a light-hearted comment made by a housekeeper. I'm over that now. In fact, I am relieved and even grateful that my ex and I never got married. Neither of us were ready for that decision. My life was a fucking mess. It still is, though not as much of a mess as it used to be.
Thanks for reading.
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ReplyThanks for sharing. I know women close to me that have a similar history with their romantic relationships. As I try to tell younger people, mistakes are made so we learn from them. So don't beat yourself up about your past mistakes, sounds like you're getting to know yourself, and as it's said somewhere: "know thyself". Best of luck, and don't give up on romantic love, it's always around the corner season after season for those who are emotionally and physically available.
Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow, including the teachings of Christ Jesus. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required, although the former and latter are admirable if practiced freely out of one's own free will and without the threat of being beheaded. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Mark 12:28-31
And Christ Jesus said the 2 greatest commandments are:
Love God first and foremost.
Love your fellow-being as you love yourself.
From following or not following these, all good or evil cascades, respectively.
Love...that powerful, invisible, intangible force that cannot be denied; even atheists live and die by it.
And since death is the only guarantee in life, Mary, Mother of Christ, intercede for us with your prayers, now, and at the hour of our death.
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