Some experiences to talk about (edited)

(Author's note: This is a repost for editing.)

I feel like writing about some experiences that have been on my mind lately.. This is going to take a lot of effort because I am not used to admitting what I am ashamed of or have regret over. I want to get this out of my system before Christmas. I owe myself that.

I guess I'll start with how I was about 9 or 10 years ago. I will admit that I was not a direct communicator back then. That is something that I need to work on now, but I was worse when I was younger. I didn't know how to say no to guys I wasn't interested in. I would silently reject them, like dodge the question of me being interested in dating them. They probably thought that I couldn't be honest with them. Looking back, I don't understand why I was like that. Was it immaturity? Or a sign that I needed to come to terms with my sexual orientation? Both? Your guess is as good as mine.

I can remember the time my old crush, J, was trying to tell me (subtly) how she felt about me. I remember her giving me one of her drawings (which I still have now, 8 years later) and writing Japanese characters on the top, with one of them being the character meaning "love." That memory is so bittersweet. I knew that J liked me, but the timing was wrong; I was already interested in my now ex-boyfriend, and J was starting to transition from male to female, which was long before I came to terms with my sexual orientation. I sometimes wonder what could have been, if I had J for a partner. Would my life have turned out differently? I don't think that question can be answered.

Now for one of two experiences I have a lot of regret over. When I was about 25-26ish, I felt SEXUAL attraction to a man about 24 years my senior, who was a classmate of mine. The relationship didn't go anywhere, although we did talk almost every day. Looking back, it could have been considered a situationship. The feelings were there, but the trappings of a romantic relationship were not. There was never a DTR (defining the relationship) conversation. He eventually faded out of my life; I haven't heard from him in 2 years. I'm glad it didn't work out; he didn't always know how to have a serious conversation, and sometimes his flirting was a bit inappropriate. That's reason enough to not want much to do with him. Yes, this was after I realized my sexual orientation, but I had yet to tell anyone else about it.

Now for the second experience I regret. This one was in the spring of 2021, my last semester in college before I dropped out due to family problems and declining mental health. COVID restrictions were still in effect, so this class was online, with a round table format. My instructor had office hours immediately after class, also online. Later on in the semester, I would stick around, talk about what was discussed in class, and things in general. Well... I formed an emotional tie to her and even felt attraction to her. Was she aware of what I was feeling? I honestly don't know. I am angry at myself for having those feelings. I might forgive myself if this had happened when I was a teenager, but I was 27 years old at this point. Shouldn't I have had enough sense to not form an attachment to someone who is off-limits?

Sometimes, I look back at some of my experiences and wonder "What the hell was wrong with me?" That's especially true about the experiences in paragraphs 2, 4, and 5. Well, maybe there's nothing wrong with me. As judgmental as I get about other people sometimes, considering that I grew up believing I was so smart and was assumed to be "mature for her age", I need a reminder that I'm an imperfect human being just like everyone else. The girl who was so smart and mature for her age grew up. She is now almost 30 years old and hasn't a fucking clue about what she's been doing with her life.