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My parents know I have been struggling with scrupulosity off and on for years. Scrupulosity is usually understood to be OCD with a bent toward religious practices and ethics. I have been known to beat myself up for my mistakes, more than is really necessary. I have a feeling that they don't think I am capable of screwing up really bad. I saw that around the time when my toxic behaviors led to my ex and I breaking up. Incessantly texting him, the occasional phone call to verify that his phone was turned off, and making him feel guilty for not texting me back when I wanted him to. It didn't take me long to realize that I was the toxic one. I was ashamed to admit a lot of this to my family, but I did tell them some of the details of what I did. At times they felt like I was blowing my actions out of proportion, but I knew what I did. Is it because of my scrupulosity that they think I am more innocent than I actually am? I don't want my family to assume everything that goes wrong is my fault, but I am not comfortable with the opposite extreme where they assume nothing can be my fault. I've noticed that when I make mistakes while driving. Like that one time I sort-of brake checked the driver behind me while making a right turn, my dad thought the driver behind me was the asshole, when in fact it was me (I don't have any particular reason why I did that, but it was a stupid thing to do on my part). Or the time I cut in front of somebody while trying to access a Texas U-turn, my parents and sister thought the other driver was the asshole. Them looking over my driving mistakes is not that important, since I'm the one who needs to pay attention to the road, not them. But... I have to wonder if they know I am capable of screwing up pretty bad? Yeah, my scrupulosity makes feelings like guilt and shame more intense, but it doesn't mean I am always innocent of wrongdoing. This is partly why I am afraid to actually make mistakes, because I don't know if they'll believe me when I say "I fucked up." Well, I guess that's for me to deal with, not them.
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