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I've been dating two guys for over about a year now though I ended up liking one more than the other but the one I liked the most (H) seemed to be hesitant about getting serious while the later(N) well I guess he's just waiting for me to give the green light for a relationship.... So I decided to have a talk with both of them of course not all of us together in one place.... H said his hesitate because he see flaws he can't tolerate I asked what flaws those where and he was so dismissive about it like I was asking him to tell me something really personal about himself. He eventually told me, which are that I'm not confident enough, secretive, I ignore him, I have trust issues . However when I asked N why he feels he's so lucky to have met me he said I'm confident, secure, weird but in good way and I make him feel more like himself and happy.
So I told my friend about it and he asked me if really I liked H or it's the attention I liked. She says I don't ask for anything from people and accept and reciprocate the energy I'm given, she said maybe the reason I wasn't secure with H is because he never gave me a reason to and the reason to and the reason N had that perception of me is because I feel safe and comfortable with him
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In summary, it sounds like (H) isn't ready to commit to you and you, in turn, aren't ready to commit to (N).
Nice of you to spend time dating and getting to know these folks. Many tend to rush these kinds of things.
Unfortunately, I'm not sure there's a happy ending here but, if there is, my bet would be on (N). If (H) has these "issues" with you now, I can imagine it would only get worse over time. It sounds like he's looking for a list of things from a life partner and you are not checking all of his boxes. It doesn't mean, of course, that there is anything wrong with you, it simply means (H) is looking for a person who has different qualities, mannerisms, etc. than you have.
People who aren't super happy in a relationship tend to not put forth the effort to make their partner happy. That said, I have to wonder what it is that (H) says or does that makes you like him more. He may not be interested in taking things to the next level but, is he currently getting something out of this that would cause him to say and do things to make you happy? In that, I suppose I'm wondering if (H) is using you to some degree.
On the flipside, it sounds like (N) would be terribly happy to secure and confirm a relationship status with you but it seems he, in turn, may not be checking all of your boxes. I suppose you have to ask yourself if you think you could be happy with (N).
In the end, and I know this isn't what you would want to hear from someone providing advice, I wouldn't assume (based on your story) that a relationship with (H) could pan out and end in a good way. If (N) isn't making you as happy as you'd like (sounds like (H) makes you happier), maybe neither of them is a good fit.
I'm middle aged and have heard of these so called "perfect relationships" where the pair are madly in love, never fight, never bother each other, etc. but I've not seen or heard of such a thing in the real world. Seems like stories if you ask me. I'm married and I very much love my wife. We've been together many years and plan to be together forever. But she absolutely does things that drive me crazy and I know I do things that probably rub her the wrong as well. We are total opposites from one another in nearly every possible way. But we love each other and we like to tease each other about these quirks. We've learned, as well, to play off each others' strengths when getting things done so it's nice that, between the two of us, we can cover most of the basis for "any ole' thing".
And, going back to being middle aged, I can confirm that I've known countless folks in relationships over the years and I've never, not once, met a couple who checked all the boxes, never had issues, etc. I just don't think that's a real thing for most of the population. I'm sure it does happen, for sure, but I've never seen it. Would be a bit like finding a unicorn, I think.
Although there are only three of you in this equation, others could certainly come into play and that means you have many options here.
But, if you're looking for someone to give a recommendation, I certainly will. You've done a great job explaining your situation but there are so many details you have that may sway your vote in one direction or another. From what I see in your story, however, my recommendation would be to move forward with (N). I don't honestly think you'll ever be able to resolve the so called "flaws" (H) has with you and would imagine that, in due time, things would get worse between you two. Additionally, even if you stop seeing (H) and move forward with (N), it's not to suggest that you two will be together forever; it simply means you've taken the next step in the relationship is all. If, later, you decide he's not going to be the one, you can end the relationship and start searching for others to date.
We're sorry to hear you're in this situation and wishing you the best as you contemplate and eventually act on your final decision.
Good Luck!
ReplyThank you so much for responding because I was just a little confused because when H told me those things I didn't totally agree with him I only agreed with the secretive part because he was always dismissive when I try to raise my concerns and talk about stuff... I know I'm not perfect and I'm still working on Myself I really appreciate your advice
ReplyIt is true that, from time to time, we all have issues in our lives that we need to work on four ourselves (or for others). It's different, however, when we are "who we are" and the other person is not satisfied with that version of us. They try to change us to "make us better" when, in fact, they are really just trying to make us "different", in a way that suits them.
I have a favorite color, my wife has one as well and, as you can imagine, they are not the same. There is nothing wrong with her and I don't try to make her believe that her favorite color should be the same as mine.
You may have things that you need to work on for yourself and/or for others but, be sure you aren't changing who you are because another person is telling you that "who you are" is wrong.
We know you aren't perfect and I don't say that to be rude. I say it because none of us are. Ha. I'm on the list as well.
Good luck on your journey!
ReplyA key piece of information missing here is: "Did these 2 fellows know you were dating both of them at the same time?"
If they did, and they didn't have a problem with you dating both of them at the same time, then they were probably seeing someone else at the same time also. Which is quite a bad foundation for a lasting relationship. It's fun running around with multiple people, but not a good foundation.
If they DID NOT know you were seeing both of them at same time, then that's "cheating" since you will never know what their reaction would have been if they knew the truth.
Either way, in my humble opinion, it's probably a good idea to make a commitment to one of them, if that's what you're looking for, and never play these games again, because things get really complicated really fast once the relationships include sex. Best of luck.
Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow, including the teachings of Christ Jesus. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required, although the former and latter are admirable if practiced freely out of one's own free will and without the threat of being beheaded. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Mark 12:28-31
And Christ Jesus said the 2 greatest commandments are:
Love God first and foremost.
Love your fellow-being as you love yourself.
From following or not following these, all good or evil cascades, respectively.
Love...that powerful, invisible, intangible force that cannot be denied; even atheists live and die by it.
And since death is the only guarantee in life, Mary, Mother of Christ, intercede for us with your prayers, now, and at the hour of our death.
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