What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
Dear Cassidy,
I can't help but wonder what you are doing now. How much a year has changed me, what has that done to you? When we got together 3 years ago, was nothing compared to who you were that night 366 days ago. After you had regained my trust, made me believe you had really truly changed. You did it yet again. It stings. When we first got together, within a week of us dating you told me you made out with a girl who you "didn't want" anymore. I stupidly believed you. I chalked it up to us being so new, and that wound still fresh. "Never again." I told myself. I would take the chance for you to change and if you didn't then I would leave. Three months go by and everything is perfect, wonderful. I was so in love. So innocently, beautifully in love. Everything was perfect. I ache for that version of me again. How different would I be now? And then you met one of my closest friends. My fault for being friends with your first attempt at dating. And you hid it. for months. Until finally, "my friend" told me the truth. That it had been going on for the past three months of our relationship. While we celebrated our six months, where you gave me a PROMISE RING. And then I STILL didn't break up with you. I stayed because you begged and pleaded for me to change. That it was a mistake. That it would never ever happen again. And I, stupidly stupidly believed you. And so I stayed for another SEVEN MONTHS with you. I was so depressed and I couldn't understand why. I didn't understand the anguish and pain you were causing me was slowly draining me of my spirit. You clung to me and drained so much from me. I TRIED so hard to make it work. I did everything I could think of. and you just took and took and took and didn't give back until I finally left you. Two more months went by before I saw you again. It was a moment I cherish. That night back together. Talking, laughing, being together in that moment was like a piece of my life had been put back together. And so we tried again. But you soon showed the same patterns, and I knew better so we, "became friends". Both of us quickly found other people. It's funny, I remember you told me the reason you got with your now ex-boyfriend was because I was also getting a boyfriend and you wanted to make me jealous. Well jokes on you because I got played, and came inching my way back to you. We danced a dangerous tango between friends and lovers. Finally, I began to see a different version of you that I had always hoped for. The version of you who was kind, thoughtful, and deliriously insightful. The version of you who put in the effort. Your words entranced me and I believed. And then in a cruel twist of irony, a WEEK INTO US DATING FOR THE FINAL TIME ONE YEAR AGO- I found the messages you recently wrote to the GIRL FROM THE BEGINNING. and then I DID THE SAME SHIT AGIAN AND LET IT GO FOR A MONTH. But then I realized how incredibly idiotic I was being, and I left. And that has been that. I saw on your story you got together. I survived a year without you. It's funny you wished me a happy birthday, but then when I posted another girl you unadded me. It makes me wonder. Do you still care for me? When you were with that girl you drunk called me once, wishing things could be different. Do you think about me like I think about you? I don't want to be with the you I knew a year ago, but have you changed? What you told me about her, her name being MY name, which one of us did you want first? Was I her replacement until she came back, or does she not live up to my legacy. I was dutiful, I loved you when I should've left. I loved you when you left me hurt, crying and alone. When you disregarded me, pushed me aside. I loved you through all of that and you still had the audacity to screw me over. I was stupid. And I will never be that stupid again, but you ripped a part of me away that I will never get back. I will never trust the same again. I will tell you it is not all your fault though. I put myself in situations with people who left me when I could have remained alone and focused on me. I let myself get hurt by you, and in trying to heal that wound from you, I used other people to fill that gap, when they were not at all what I needed. What I needed all along was me. A lesson hard learned, but I'm grateful I am realizing this now. So I am glad I met you. The good times are warm and when conjured I let them resonate because they are pure and a reminder that I will find that again with someone. I think part of me will always be sad it is not with you, but I know this too shall pass. I want to message you and talk to you so badly. Even through all of our history. I dreamt about you last night, that is what really started this. I was doing.. fine, I suppose, and then this dream where I saw you and talked to you, but the conversation was not going well and I still had so many questions in the dream and when I woke up, it was like a bitter aftertaste. A hangover that hadn't quite gone away after a full nights rest. I wonder if you will text me Merry Christmas. I want to text you Merry Christmas. I might. Would I go back to you? The idea of you is so tantalizing. Could I get you back? Take you from her then leave you high and dry. I won't but i just wonder if I could. I just don't like not being in control. I don't like the unknown. Are you still with her? Have you healed? Have you moved on? The last time we talked, you said you didn't, but was that a lie? I hope you're doing well, partly. Another part of me hopes you marry her and you have a long drawn out miserable marriage where you don't divorce even when you should until years later? And it's messy and painful and it drains you the way you drained me. But I try not to dwell on it. I try not to think about you. But even after fucking writing this a part of me deep down, wants to run back to you and crawl back into your arms because no one has made me feel the way you did when we first got together. No one is you and no one has given me the spark and feeling like you did. Everyone else seems like a lukewarm shower and I want to burn beneath you. I don't like to hate people but I can't help but somewhat hate you. The twisted thicket of good and bad war within my mind. Knowing you are not the ideal you, but the you who broke my heart multiple times and knowing I do not deserve that and yet wanting to know if there is a sliver of a chance you have changed. If you were to be single and healed and better I would run back to you faster than light can travel. And yet this too, wars within me, because the logical side of me knows you have not changed, and even if you had I should not risk anything because history repeats itself and I will not be my mother. My mother loved a man who hurt her and she left and one day met my father. Who did not understand her and who she was probably not the happiest with. If she were alive, I would be surprised if they didn't get a divorce sometime later on. She would not want that same fate for me. And so instead I sit and ponder over what could be, what I can't have, what I want, and what is ahead for me. So many alternate paths that can take my life down drastically different paths. Olivia O'brien was right when she sang, 'i hate u i love u, i hate that i love you... I hate that I want you... and I'll never be her'. I know these feelings I'm feeling will pass soon. My period is about to start, I just broke it off with someone a week ago who I thought maybe things would be different. Now a girl from my work is sending mixed signals and I hate all of it. I just want to be at peace. I don't want to keep dealing with the ramifications of the unhealed trauma and damage you fucking put me through. It fucking hurts. My mind bounces between hatred, pain...love, and it is misery. A year from now I will be in a better place, the scars more healed. I will continue to move on without you. Vibrant memories will begin to erode and fade to ash. Please don't message me on Christmas. I will not reach out to you. Let me wonder, and tremble in front of the vast unknown, and let the feeling of accepting that I cannot control my destiny flood my body. Let me bloom before the darkness and flourish. I deserve this much.
Sincerely,
UntoldPrayer
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.