Feelings are one word, but what's the word for this?

I'm so ... I don't know. I wish I was still little. I wish I could move away from everyone I hate and I could move near the coast. No one will bother me there. I want to bring my family and have a calm life. I want to feel the Christmas spirit but I don't know if that's possible. I want to be more talkative and have a best friend. I want to be able to finish my schoolwork on time and not have to stay up until 12-4 a.m. and be pressured to be the best art student by my teachers and classmates. The only time I feel alive is when it's nighttime and I get to lay in my bed. As I'm trying to sleep, I think about different scenarios, living near the coast, having more siblings, even having my dream best friend. I know those will never happen unless I start talking more to people. I'm too anxious I can't even open up to my therapist. I wish with all my heart I could live near the coast, talk more with people, and have a best friend who I could trust until I die.

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