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If there were ever a PR firm that successfully sold a lie, it is the one that handles holidays. It is specifically the one that deals with the November through January joy.
I have no imperial evidence and I am way too lazy to research, but I would propose that a majority of people through out November to January are just gallantly hanging on with painted smiles and alcoholic cheer waiting for at least the season to end.
Fortunately, most of us are not of the “end it all” types. Although some are, and if this is you, there is no shame. Please seek help, even if it is to talk to me. (I have no idea how this works). I truly promise that I harbor no judgment. Just as I do not judge those giddy with joy and anticipation. I have been in both places.
But this is for those of us, that this time- maybe- maybe every year, maybe just this year, are feeling the crushing pressure of acting happy, excited and overwhelmed with the sense of wonderment and glorious unification and love. (I know there are moments you are just looking for something to punch). (Maybe that’s just me.)
It’s ok. Because you are awesome for just showing up. It’s also ok if you pretend you have a dreaded disease (there are so many now) so that you self protectively do not show up.
The secret we all know is that despite an out cry of “we love you. We understand. We care. We are here for you you”. The only truth in those statements is that the people who proclaim that, hug you, and spend a moment staring into your eyes- are “giving you a sacrificial gift.” No one really wants you to accept that gift. We know that don’t we?
Instead, we give them a gift. We smile. We refrain from stories of hurt and loss. We quickly change the subject if it gets to close to pain. We take three showers a day to cry. We then redo our makeup or practice team talk. Really, how hard it is to please our mates? We all mirror the face in front of us and keep our pain from erupting into an awkward moment. Interestingly, the very person with whom we are engaging has a high likelihood of secretly doing the same thing. But we will not know. We are also experts in no seeing.
What we all know, joyous, sad, excited, depressed- is that no one, despite what they say, really wants to hear about our loneliness, fears, loss, confusion and/ or hurt. Everyone wants to believe that smile, laugh at that joke and ignore any indication that pain is being buried.
Take a test. Really look at someone when they are cheerfully speaking. See that smile? Does it reach their eyes? It is almost impossible to fake “joyful “ eyes. Joyful eyes are what is usually seen when a dream comes true. The new parent with a baby, the finding of a lost child, medical news that is, not as expected, but miraculously wonderful or occasionally two people so in love that emotion spills into unsalted tears. There are other times of course, but those are classic, hard to fake and fairly universal.
People just accept the rest. “How are you?” “Fine” “Are you ok.” “Sure.” It is the rare person who wants to know. Even when they do actually know.
So it’s why we pay therapists. But therapists are not friends. They are not always available.
It’s true, good friends will break off whatever they are doing and run to be with us in crisis. (I know not all of us are lucky enough to have that friend). But really, no matter what we think- even strangers care enough about us to recognize that we are important. WE ARE VALUE ADDED EXISTENCE. For example, I would bet that almost everyone of us, regardless of our own pain, would instinctively reach out to hold another, who asks, because we know.
But when was the last time someone held us? Just held us and listened to our pain? But then when was the last time we held someone? The point is, we do not know one another. We are uncomfortable with one another. There is never a good time. We are afraid to be judged. Our pain does not exist in 55 minute increments, to be resolved and disappear.
We spend so much time making sure that we do not impose upon others with our pain. And truthfully, that’s pretty much what they want. (Maybe we do too).
But sometimes, like now, it’s just so hard. And while we might know some of the reasons that we hurt and cannot truthfully smile or excitedly look forward to the future, we often cannot put any of it in words because it is so damn complicated and no one likes complicated.
Being sad, when others around us are seemingly happy and joyous feels like failure. We feel as if we should be able to get over our feelings of hurt, loss, grief, sadness, loneliness. The failure feeling makes things worse. And people actually support that feeling. “What, you are still grieving? It’s been____. Time to move on. It was only dog. Find a new mate. No one had a perfect childhood. You dwell on the negative. Other people have it so much worse. Be grateful that you have what you have. Be grateful that they are not in pain any more.”
There are a million ways to say and hear that we are self absorbed losers. But all of our pain matters. Emotional pain is neither comparable, measurable or a contest. The beginning of pain has no relationship to the time pain ends. It is normal for pain to ebb and flow. Anyone who tells us that they “just deal with it and get on with their life” is either a unicorn, lying or thinks their “coping” mechanism s do not adversely impact others. Some of the worst examples are those who actually bury their pain only to have it emerge without warning to implode lives, not just their own.
While taking our third shower of tears today we really need to consider reaching out. Start looking for a therapist. They are safe. They are trained. They generally do not judge. We might be able to find a truly special understanding person - that would be good, but rare. So more than likely we need to touch base with a gentle, professional, therapeutic listener.
Regardless, we are good people. We are normal. We are worthwhile. Someone we know loves us. Someone we do not know loves us. Someone is waiting to meet us. We are important, indispensable, unaware of our power and the remarkable impact we have on others, even strangers. We are needed and everyone of us, regardless of how we feel this moment would be missed if we were not here. Everyone of us has the awesome horrible power to be the cause of someone else’s pain. Don’t do that. Please reach out.
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