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The only person I trusted in this room went out of the room. I was alone with the one I actually felt uncomfortable with. And then it just happened.
‘Now you cannot do anything’
My throat was being grabbed.
I heard laughs but I, in fact, did not think this was funny at all. I said to stop that. But it did not. And so, I jumped up and kicked him away from me while angrily saying ’Never do that again!’. The person in the room got mad, tried to hit me. But stopped. And cursed instead. I went out of the room then. To the person I trust and explained what has happened.
‘Were you scared in that moment?’
‘No I was not’, I said.
But I was. I truly was. Because the person in the room before was right, I could have not done anything. Yes, I jumped up and kicked myself to freedom but it was only because the person saw how angry I was that he let me free. Yes, maybe that was meant to be a joke. But maybe I simply do not feel comfortable being held… unwillingly. I hated this moment. I did not like it. It was uncomfortable. Yes, it was.
However, since I got angry, I got cursed at, I got called names. I am the crazy one, I am the psychopath.
Yes, maybe I could have reacted differently.
But maybe it was only fair for me to having reacted this way. Because saying no or even meaning to say no, does mean ‘NO’.
I was also being grabbed tightly around my arms. I still feel the grab on my arms. And also especially on my throat. I do not feel safe even though I should as this person is no one else than what others would see as a quite close one. I wish it was not that way. People would not get me though. They do not see what I go through. They do not see these cruel things that happen.
And I have to suffer from this yearly, monthly, weekly, daily.
And the person whom I trust merely downplays the other person’s actions. Not because the one is protecting the other but rather because the one is scared herself.
I wish I could change something but I know I cannot. What would I even do? The person is, unfortunately, too close to me. And with doing something that could destroy the person’s future possibilities, I would break the trustful person’s heart.
Life is hard.
Sometimes I do wonder why on earth I deserve this. Why on earth we, the trustful person and me, deserve this.
Well, actually, no.
I wonder about this almost every days
Life is unfair.
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My throat was grabbed by my own brother on Friday. I got a big old shiner too from the situation. I think you should get away from these people causing you harm. Period. Do whatever you gotta do. There's a lot of shelters out there. There's even ones that allow pets. I'm thinking driving up to one myself. I'm so tired of being abused. No one should have to put up with it.
ReplyLeave your current situation, if you are able
I wish you the best in your journey, fellow human
Reply