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Letters for you, and everything about you (raw, explicit, unedited) PART 1
4 months ago · 0 · limerence, +5 · Explicit
136
Letters for you, and everything about you
(raw, explicit, unedited)
9/16/21
Do you feel it too?
10/7/21
I see you all the time… I just wish I wasn’t dreaming
10/14/21
Damn
I hope I drive you crazy, too.
You don’t know I think about u 24/7 and I hope u never know
I can’t lose u if u don’t feel the same way
11/3/21
I constantly feel it in my chest when I think of you. And I think of you fucking 24/7 so I think I’m gonna have a heart attack.
11/5/21
Do you even want to hold me
I’m sinking in you
Kiss me passionately and make me yours
Or at least lie to me and tell me I am
I know you shouldn’t be but you could be everything if you wanted to
11/9/21
Just give me a fucking sign
11/22/21
Ugh
X
I’m waiting for you.
When you’re ready I am here.
I just don’t want to scare you away or make any promises I can’t keep but it hurts feeling so much for you
When are you gonna fucking kiss me
I just adore you too much
1/23/22
This isn’t love this is depression
2/3/22
He doesn’t have the capacity to love another. He likes you a lot. He likes you as much as he is capable of. If you were gone a piece of him would be gone too. He has never felt like this with anyone else and that is enough because you care deeply for him and don’t want to force him to do something he cannot do. It’s trauma. He has mental illness. His family never loved him properly so he doesn’t want that again.
2/7/22
😀😀
✂️
I will never forget the way you yelled at me about how you wanted to “stay with me” but you left anyway the same god damn night
XXXXX
🔪 🔪🔪🔪
THE THINGS YOU FUCKING SAID TO ME. HOW COULD YOU NOT EXPECT ME TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU!??!
FUCK. YOU.
GET OUT OF MY GOD DAMN HEAD!
“I want this dick to be all you think about”
“You’re my little slut okay?”
“You’re so fucking perfect”
“My little masochist slut”
“No other girl has ever made me feel that way”
But yeah WE WERE JUST FRIENDS
I JUST WANT TO FUCK YOU AGAIN I DONT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE
NO ONE CAN COMPARE
WHAT WE HAD WAS SO FUCKING INTENSE HOW COULD YOU LEAVE
2/9/22
The sinking in my chest reminds me that it’s over
2/12/22
I wish I never told you
Why did I have to tell you
Now it’s only you
That crosses my mind
No one else
Just you
And everything we did
Everything we were
Everything I felt
I guess it wasn’t true
And you say you’d never lie
But then what the fuck were we
What did it mean when you held me
Must have been nothing
My feelings came from thin air
And yours stayed the same
Maybe I was wrong
Maybe you were right
We were nothing
And never will be
It’ll never be worth it you think
You’ll never feel that with me
That crazy feeling I felt with you
It wasn’t real
It was bullshit
And so was everything I thought we had
I wish I never met you
Maybe I’m crazy
Maybe I never should have thought
You would ever feel the same for someone like me
You want yourself
And that’s it
So continue to push me away like you always do
I’m so used to the pain
But god I just wish I never said a thing
And everything would be the same
Fuck you ethan
I was so fucking down for you in a way that I couldn’t be for anyone else
God please don’t let anyone else get lost in those eyes I love him so bad
I’ll meet you in my dreams
2/14/2022
I’m waiting for you. I know you felt the connection. I’m giving you time and space for you and I will not be selfish.
2/17/22
No matter how much I want you, I can’t have you because it’s not safe for my happiness. If you ever come back I don’t know if it would even be worth it to care because I would be sacrificing my heart for sheer rejection once again. And maybe again. I’ve been here before.
2/18/22
Xxx
Xxx
“I love watching your desperate eyes beg to be fucked”
2/20/22
Still
My bones
My soul
My heart
My skin
My mind
They all ache
For you
No one else
Can make me feel
The way you do
No one else
Can open my heart
And cut me open
And I’d love them still
Oh god
I love you still
2/25/22 (not necessarily all on the same day)
Have you ever looked into someone eyes and felt like you were feeling their soul
Do you miss me yet?
I just want to think about anything else
There’s nothing I wanted more than for you to just let me love you
I still can’t believe you left
Can you please stop crossing my mind so I can focus???
Why don’t you miss me? Will you ever? Why won’t you reach out? I thought you said you cared
IF HE WANTED TO HE WOULD!!!!
2/26/22
I wish we could just pick up from where we left off, before I said anything and you changed everything
I didn’t want a love, but I wanted you
2/27/22
You will miss me eventually
And if you don’t
You were never mine
And someone else will be
I should have just swallowed my pride and let you go
I just thought maybe we could last a little longer
2/28/22
Still waiting for the day when thinking of you doesn’t make me physically sick
You opened my heart but then left me to bleed
3/1/22
You don’t even fucking deserve me baby
3/2/22
I lost you so that I could love myself. So, thanks for letting me go.
3/4/22
It’s fine, but I hope I left a stain on your memory and you won’t ever be able to forget me.
****
If he doesn’t care you know damn well you shouldn’t either. You know you deserve so much more.
I deserve so much more than nothingness. I am never letting someone have that much control over my heart again. Never again. No one, no matter what, deserves that much power over me.
He will not change his mind. People either love you or they don’t. Stop thinking there’s a gray area. He doesn’t deserve you and it will always be his loss. It is not my loss because nothing he did ever served me anyway
3/5/22
I’m so sick of looking for you wherever I go and constantly wondering if that stranger I drive by or catch a glance of is really you. Get out of my fucking head. How did you become my entire world and disappear from it at the same time? I still can’t believe this happened. Why can’t I just set you free from my mind? You’re still burning inside of me. Why couldn’t you have stayed? It’s going to haunt me forever. My heart won’t stop fucking aching for you and I wish I could just bleed you out and then you’d finally be gone forever. When is the universe going to set me free? I’m so angry that you had to be a fucking lesson for me. Get out of my veins.
3/6/22
You’ll melt away with the heat too
I was wrong about you. So I’m setting you free.
Set me free
Exit my heart, you’re weighing it down.
3/7/22
You didn’t care to remember any of it, did you?
I should’ve trusted my gut with you. You were bad for me from the start and I ignored it because I wanted that kind of passion again. I must have forgotten that passion is a brick road to a shattered heart when you’re already ill.
I’m gonna have to carve you out of this chest, untangle you from these bones. You’re bleeding everywhere, seeping through into every part of my life and I can’t swim through this ocean you created.
My heart hurts so bad
Will I ever know if you just weren’t ready or you could never fall for me?
I didn’t think it would be, but removing you was freeing.
One day you’ll realize what you lost. Until then, it’s not up to me to worry about what we could have had because you didn’t see my worth. I’m not worried. I’ll find another super cute, athletic, nerdy, introverted boy with dark hair and blue eyes anyway.
3/8/22
Why does everyone look like you?
I should have trusted my gut when you showed me you didn’t care. But how else would I have known for sure?
Also it’s important to remember that you always notice when someone cares for you and he used you for caring for him because he never cared for you. He told you he was selfish. So believe him and set him free. Him being sick does not justify him treating you like shit.
Honestly I’ll find someone like you but it will be better. I believe that.
3/9/22
Fucking hell I need this pain to go away
I only fucking wanted you
My chest hurts so bad
What I felt for you was always desperation
I didn’t truly want you like that until you made sure I couldn’t have you like that
Letting you go is like pulling daggers out of my chest over and over and over.
I hate how I couldn’t fucking hurt you back
3/10/22
Just stay out of my head, please. I’m done. Leave me alone. You don’t deserve to take up any more space in my head anymore, so please, get out of it.
I don’t know why I ever thought you would stay
Thanks for teaching me to never fucking tell a man how I feel ever again
Fuck you for not giving a shit that you were losing me at all
I hate you so much
Why can’t I hurt you back
Wait a couple months and you gon see
Fuck you for always making me feel like I had to impress you and change something about myself to be liked by you
It’s too bad you couldn’t see it. You couldn’t see me.
3/11/22
It wasn’t built to last. That’s okay. You’ll live on in my memories. If I forget, that’s okay. If I don’t, that’s okay too
3/15/22
Who the hell leaves after hearing something like that? You’re so selfish. It’s not my loss.
3/19/22
Gripping you tightly
Holding you
Falling into you
You’re powerful
Lustful
You grab my neck
Tracing my curves
Kissing me deeply
Moving my hips
Breathing life into me
And out of me
Releasing me
From pain
I’m breathing you in too
Everything you are
Everything I thought
You were
I start to bleed
I grow cold
You slit my throat
My nails scrape your back
I’m on my knees
You have bruises on your neck
You’re leaving me
You’re killing me
You’re cutting my wrists
Pulling my hair
Punching my chest
You’re burning me
Until nothing is left
You get up
You kiss my neck
And as I lay here
I’m dying
And you vanish
The game is over
Everything we were
Everything I envisioned
Everything I had
Could never be felt
In two
How could you lead me on like that? Was it just fun to have someone be a fool for you? You still make me sick.
I just want to forget.
3/20/22
You said you never lied so I guess I was just blind.
I just hope losing me taught you something
3/21/22
I swear you’re still inside me. I swear I can still feel you. But you’re still gone.
It’s strange how everywhere I walk, every place I thought I could find you, has never brought me back to you. I don’t think I’ll ever see you again. I think the universe did this to us. It was just never meant to be.
I hope you’re lonely
3/22/22
My growth doesn’t have time for distractions. That’s all you ever were.
It was too fragile. How could I think I could ever push it without breaking it? Even the smallest tap was too much for the wooden block tower we made together (and even that was mostly just my own).
3/23/22
You make me wish I was numb.
3/24/22
The world is spinning
Can we slow down
I hear you
Softly
Be quiet
Rest
But how could
I let myself
Die
For you
Again
And again
Eternally
I just want to
Go numb
I just want to
Move on
All I ever did was feed your ego. Never letting myself do that for any man again.
3/25/22
You’re not worth the pain.
3/26/22
You make me sick.
I hope you see my face and feel pain for what you lost. Asshole. I hate everything about you. I’ll get over it eventually but for now I hope you’re regretting everything and choking on your misery you piece of shit.
3/28/22
I’m okay. I’m releasing you, just slowly. And eventually you’ll only be a small glimmer of a memory.
3/31/22
Sometimes I wish we could have just taken things slow. It didn’t have to end like this.
4/1/22
Deleting pieces of you. My mind needs to be free from you.
4/3/22
I should have learned this before, but I know now to believe someone when they say they don’t love you. They don’t. If they loved you they would never leave you. You know this. If they ever come back they are just bored and couldn’t find anyone.
4/6/22
My chest still hurts when I think of you
4/7/22
Why did I ever think you would come back? Why did you always make me feel like I wasn’t worthy of love? Why couldn’t you try to care?
4/8/22
The alcohol and the people just bring the pain back to the surface. That’s why I prefer to be alone. I only wanted to be around you. That’s all I wanted. Now my only choice is to sink because I don’t want anyone else. I don’t know how to recover. Why are you always on my mind when you have been absent for so long? I miss everything. I just don’t understand how it was never real to you. I don’t think I’ll ever understand. I’m forced to accept this fact. Love is not balanced. Love might even be a choice that you refused to accept. What’s most likely is that love might not even be real at all, because what the hell were we if it wasn’t love? You ache inside me still. At this point, I don’t even know if I want to be set free. I didn’t want to admit it, but I am desperately lonely. I just want to be held again. Over and over again I swear to god you’re all I see.
Reclaiming my power. You made me weak.
4/9/22
I try so hard to not but I’m still so in love with you that it hurts. And I haven’t seen you in so long and I hate it. I constantly hate you so much for doing this to me and still want you to just come back and hold me. I can still see your face from the night you left. I haven’t seen you at all since then
I needed you to leave to get a punch in the face and a wake up call. I’m the most important person in my life. I am taking charge and becoming the strongest and most efficient version of myself.
I just feel like we were so close to something real
It’s still crazy to think about how small of a role I played in your life. So insignificant that you don’t even notice when I’m gone. I hate you. So fucking much. Maybe it’s my fault that I let myself fall for you even when I knew you were selfish and unavailable. I just thought I meant something to you
4/14/22
I don’t want our memories to keep making me so sick. I just want to be okay with remembering. I just want to be at peace. It still hurts so fucking bad. Every time I remember anything is just a hard punch to the stomach. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand how you could do this shit to me. Leave after everything. I was there for you through everything. Please just get out of my blood. I’m so sick right now. You feel like water in my lungs and I’m choking. I wish I could bleed you out and never have to feel this pain again.
4/21/22
I hope whoever it is you’re fucking in parking lots is making you happy. You’re a liar and I hope you know I always knew that. You’re a broken sad man and all I wanted to do was make you feel loved. All you wanted was to fuck around and use people. I would have fucking died for you Ethan. Don’t fucking lie to me and say you didn’t know that. You used me. I hate you.
4/24/22
Get. The fuck. Out. Of my brain.
4/25/22
I still resent you. I don’t fucking want anything else. I’m so sick of feeling like everything I wanted was ripped away from me because I showed vulnerability. I’m still so angry. I hate that all I want is to see your stupid fucking face and you don’t even ask me how I’m doing. I really thought you’d come back. I hate that I was wrong about you. It makes me feel crazy that you could so easily abandon me after how deeply intertwined we got. You fucking lied to me through your actions even if you didn’t use your words. I hope you feel sick about it. I hate you still and I don’t know when I’m going to stop. You make me want to cry and scream and I don’t know when I’ll stop giving a fuck. You make me so fucking sick. This is why I can’t miss more than a day at the gym. It’s because of you. I can’t release these feelings in any other way because you selfishly left me without a fucking care. I’m sick of all of this. I’m sick of feeling like I’m on the verge of exploding every time I get a memory of us. I’m sick of thinking you are everywhere and everyone and staring at random people and almost crashing my car because I think they’re you. But you’re never there. You’re no where I look. You’re so fucking gone. I have never been so angry about any damn person in my entire life. I hate you so much.
The worst part is that loving you made me hate me. I’m so much better off now. You’re a fucking disease.
4/26/22
I memorized every feature of your body and your face. I knew exactly what you were going to say and when you were going to say it. I knew your mind like the back of my hand. But did I ever know your heart? Did you really never feel anything? I guess you would have told me if you did. You told me everything. Why couldn’t it be true if you wanted me in every other way? Do you ever think about me when you’re with someone else? Are you going to give the love I gave to you to someone else? Because you didn’t have any of your own to give in the first place? You’re a sad man, Ethan. I hope you change. I hope one day you’ll understand what you did and won’t be able to forget about me. Even when you’re old and withering away, I hope you’ll remember me. I hope you wonder how I am, where I am, and who I was to you. All I ever wanted was you. You still make my stomach ache and my eyes water. You leave a bad taste in my mouth and I still feel your hands around my neck.
4/28/22
Why does it still feel like you’re going to come back some day?
I hope I can stop loving you some day.
4/29/22
I just want to forget everything about you. Everything you said and everything you did constantly replay in my mind and make me ill. I’m so sick of all of it. I was never enough for you. Why do I still hate you so much? I wish I could erase you completely.
4/30/22
I let you in and you took everything. You’re heartless.
5/2/22
I just want to be able to think of you fondly. I don’t want to be in pain every time you cross my mind.
You’re just a depressed man that I idealized the fuck out of. I knew you couldn’t hold me and I still tried. It’s my fault. I need to see people for who they show me they are, not what I think they can be.
There’s nothing I could have done to change your mind. I need to set you free from my mind, as much as I can.
Thank you for being a heartless asshole so that I have the motivation to absolutely destroy myself in the gym every day
But fuck, I love everything about you still. How could someone compare?
5/4/22
I am not how you left me. I am so much more.
I lost my heart and soul when you left. I don’t care about anyone anymore. You taught me that caring for someone will only hurt you.
I just hate closing my eyes and seeing your stupid beautiful face, you never leave my fucking mind.
5/5/22
It’s been over 3 months, Ethan. When will it stop hurting?
5/6/22
My heart still doesn’t know you left, it reminds me of you constantly.
5/8/22
I still miss you. I miss us. I miss how you made me feel because I don’t know if I’ll ever feel that way again. I can’t forget the way you looked at me.
I just don’t want this to hurt anymore. I hate closing my eyes because you’re all I ever see. I wish you could hurt me too but I know you never would. Why couldn’t you let me love and care for you endlessly? All I ever wanted was you. The beating in my chest is painful when you’re on my mind. I hope I can be free from you someday. It hurts so much. Forever I’ll still feel your hands around my neck. I don’t want anyone else. Please set my heart free from this pain. I’m dying. Over and over I’m dying. I’d die for you as I do every day.
What scares me the most is that if you came back I would forgive all this pain you gave me in a heartbeat
I hated when you said you were sorry that you couldn’t give me what I wanted because if you were really sorry you wouldn’t leave me like you did. That was all I wanted. I only wanted you. I hated that bullshit you said about us being friends. We weren’t friends. We were lovers. I’m not crazy.
But my mind knows that if you didn’t love me then, you never will. I don’t know if my heart will ever accept it though.
5/9/22
I miss you deeply. I loved you with everything I had.
I’m delusional, Ethan. You’re all I see.
You’re still everything I want. It’s too bad you couldn’t see us together. I saw it all. You were my all. I desperately want you to kiss my lips, still. You’re still here. Behind my eyes, in my face. Every time I close my eyes you’re here. You never leave. Thinking of what we had always shatters me. But you could never see what we had. I never thought I would lose you, not like this. I just can’t bear to see that everything we had was all just something I created in my sick mind.
There’s a void in me that you left. I don’t know how long it will stay. I’m afraid it won’t go away.
5/10/22
Will I be forced to love you until the end of time without ever seeing your face again? Will it be only your eyes I picture in mind? Could I ever love someone else that deeply? Would I ever dare to?
But you made me feel desperate. Small. Never pretty enough. Never good enough. You wanted a girl who was soft. Nothing about me was ever good enough. I should have listened. How could I fall so deeply for someone who was so critical of who I was? Someone who constantly made me feel as if I could never be enough? You didn’t like my body. You didn’t like me. So why did you lead me on? Why would you come back again and again and make me feel special just so you could hurt me so harshly in the end? I wonder if it was about power. I wonder if it was about wanting attention or feeding your ego. You’re selfish and you know it. You told me you were. So why did I want to hold you and treat you so softly, so nicely, when you wanted to make me feel as if I was nothing? As if nothing I could have done would have changed how you felt but still you touched me. You made me want you. You stared into my eyes and lit a fire in my bed. Why would you make someone fall in love with you if you knew you could never feel the same way. How could you do that to someone? I wanted to protect you, and make all of your pain go away as I loved you so much I could barely breathe around you. If you knew you could never love me back, why would you keep me? Why would you want to stay? What the hell was I to you? What did all of that time mean to you? You’re so fucking cold. I’ve written enough about you to fill a book and still I have never run out of things to say. You hurt me enough to make me hate myself. A hate stronger than I have ever felt. A hate that makes me angry to be alive and angry to be around anyone. How does it feel to have all of this power over me? How does it feel to have manipulated the fuck out of me as you waited for someone better, and they never came? I don’t understand how it was so easy for you to leave me and not look back ever again. So fucking easy. How the fuck could you spend those moments with me and they meant absolutely nothing to you. I feel as if you are a monster. You beat me down so hard that I felt like if I couldn’t have you I didn’t have a life worth living. I wanted to die. Every day, I wanted to die. And you let me. You would have let me die and never would have felt a thing. You’ve deeply scarred me. I know it’s true now. I could never love someone as much as I love you. I ache every day as my heart was so harshly betrayed by someone I cherished so deeply. I hate you and I love you. Over and over again. You’re going to be in my mind forever. Like a curse. You’re my curse. Sent to destroy me forever.
5/11/22
Do I really still hate you or do I just hate myself
5/12/22
I miss our talks. I miss getting so deep with you. And then fucking passionately and feeling so obsessed with each other. You loved me. You wanted me so bad. You can’t convince me that you didn’t. I still feel you inside me. You were everything I needed.
I’m not worried about what you think of me. I know you still think about me. Everything about me was everything you could have asked for. I was your sick obsession and you can’t tell me I’m wrong. I know I’m right. I was your little whore. Your perfect baby. You can’t get me out of your mind. You can pretend you don’t still think about me but you’ll never find anyone else who makes you feel the way I did. You won’t ever forget how I made you feel. How highly I thought of you and put you on your pedestal. You’ll miss that feeling. But you will never be able to get it from anyone else. I’m the only one who can love you that deeply. No one else. I’ll be stuck in your brain until the day you die Ethan.
Baby it was real. And we were the best.
My heart doesn’t feel heavy anymore. It just feels numb.
I really thought we could have made it
5/14/22
I still miss everything about you. Today and always.
When will I heal from you? When will I let you go? We could have been so much more. Is it even possible to stop loving you when you’re all I ever wanted? If I could touch you again I would never ask for anything more.
5/15/22
Those feelings I got when I was with you… even when I just thought about you… they were foreign, they were euphoric. I’ve never felt them before and I’ve never felt them again. Oh how I miss you… it’s like I’ve never missed anyone as much.
5/16/22
Would I have even tried to begin to love myself if I had never let you leave?
I need to let you go, fully.
You became so much of me that I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I still don’t. I don’t know where I went or who I was before I met you.
I just really hope something like this never happens to me again.
5/17/22
I wish I could forget everything you said to me during our last talk. You ripped my heart apart. You’re haunting me.
Accepting the fact that you never loved me and never will is one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with in my life.
How could you let me give my whole heart to you if you knew you couldn’t do the same? You just wanted to use me. Maybe that’s all you know how to do.
This feeling still cuts like a knife every time you invade my mind.
It’s all fucked up because everyone I met during you and after you was just another distraction from the grips you hold on me.
I think you’re a symbol of my self hatred. A bridge to expose me to how bad it really is.
Deep down, I always knew I would drive you away. I can’t love someone that much without losing them. I hold too much passion in my heart than the type of people I fall in love with can handle.
The soul to soul connection I felt with you was something I never felt before. Truly. It felt so rare. I still feel it. I could never forget how that felt. I thought you were my soulmate. You were my whole heart, my mind, and everything I felt came back to you. And it still does. It doesn’t feel like this will ever end. I became you. Your fears, the things you love, the things you hate. Your heart is engraved deep in my skin. My heart bled for you every time you hurt. I just wanted to protect you, I wanted you to be okay. And the only thing I ever asked from you, you just couldn’t give. To want the same for me.
Please. Please. Just come back.
5/18/22
Why can’t I just fucking let you go
My heart aches so badly of this painful loneliness that I don’t know if it’s you I miss anymore or just having fucking anyone. Why did I think you would stay when no one else has?
5/20/22
Please tell me you miss me too
Why couldn’t I ever be enough for you
I thought you didn’t want me to go
It’s been 4 months and I still have to find ways to hold myself together every single time you cross my mind
No one else. Still. No one else.
When will you wash away from my eyes?
5/21/22
I loved everything about you. You just wanted me because I wanted you. You just didn’t want to be lonely.
5/22/22
Are you ever going to care?
I just don’t understand how you never gave a single fuck about me and never will.
Eventually I won’t think of you multiple times a day. Soon it will be only once a day, then once a week, then once every few months, till maybe even rarely at all. And I know when that happens, it won’t hurt quite as bad.
Was I just your only option?
I just wish I could make sense of all of this. Truly.
I just want to know how to let you go
5/23/22
I don’t know who I thought you were
5/25/22
I still love you
5/26/22
I dreamt of you last night
Will I ever stop bleeding for you?
5/27/22
I still feel you everywhere I go
5/28/22
You’re missing out. I’m not.
We could have been so good together
5/28/22
Over and over I would yell I love you I love you until my lungs give out. Even then, I’d stop breathing for you. I broke every single rule for you. I thought you were different. I thought you were worth it.
5/30/22
Why does my whole life revolve around someone who will never want me back? It’s torturous.
I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. You’re everywhere. Still. Always. I hate it. I really didn’t think I’d ever truly lose you. You still have my entire heart in your hands. It hurts so bad. How could this happen to me? And why does it still hurt every fucking day? It wasn’t even that you did things for me that other people can’t. I just have never adored someone as much as I adored you. Just everything about you. You were everything in my eyes. You shattered me and I’m still trying to find ways to breathe without you. I want to just forget everything. Why couldn’t I be enough for you when I was with you through everything and just wanted you to be happy? I just want to forget. Let me forget. Please.
I know that if you hadn't gotten cancer again I probably could have told you earlier. I was hiding my feelings because I didn’t want to put more on you. I thought you could have handled it. I don’t know if I should have waited longer to tell you or if I should have told you earlier. The timing was just so bad for this. It makes me feel defeated and selfish because of course you can’t handle a relationship when you’ve been sick so many times. I’m sorry. I wish this could have worked out. It’s not your fault. I tried to hate you for so long. But you were sick, so it was never right. I just want you to be happy.
6/1/22
I remember everything
The thought of you still makes me so ill
You’re never fucking coming back. I need to accept that. It hurts so fucking bad I can’t breathe. It’s been over 4 months and I’ve cried so much today my face is raw and my throat is sore from screaming.
6/4/22
The words you spoke so easily to me after I poured my entire heart out to you still echo in my mind whenever I’m alone.
I still don’t think anyone is capable of comparing to you.
6/5/22
How could I let you take everything I had until I was a shell of a person? Nothing and no one fills this void in me.
6/6/22
I still see your smile and hear your laugh when I close my eyes. I’m losing my anger towards you. Slowly. Mostly I just miss you. It just aches when I remember that you could have tried harder to keep me. You didn’t want to lose me, but you could never feel what I needed you too. I deserve more than being with someone who doesn’t care for me fully. You were so selfish for letting me love you so fully when you knew all along you could never feel the same. I really hope you’ve learned from this. I know that your circumstances made it really hard for you, but you shouldn’t have kept me around if you didn’t really want me. I know you witnessed domestic violence. I know you were a broken man. But I didn’t know until you told me. You should have told me earlier. You would have saved me from so much pain. But of course, you wouldn’t try to avoid hurting someone if you didn’t really care for them. So it’s up to me to deal with this now. To deal with how you shattered me and left my pieces to sort out and put myself back together all on my own. Sometimes I wish I would have died for you. But I know that even then you would have just let me. You would never care. I need to be free from you. I wish it wasn’t so easy to love you, to want to protect you, to save you. You were so gentle. You were so passionate. You were so confident. I hate that I can’t let this go.
6/8/22
‘Cause I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want…
And I just watch you slip away
I would have never hurt you… you should have just let me hold you, I would have always held you, protected you
If this was real to you why would you let me go
I could have given you so much more if you just let me
I don’t think I’ll ever understand or let go completely, I just need to accept this, that you can’t be with me
Being with other people was a temporary fix. I need to be alone, I can’t distract myself from the pain you caused me. I must feel it to get through it.
And I could scream how could you until my lungs give out, but it won’t change the fact that you didn’t put in the effort to fix what you broke
You set me on fire and I’m still on fire for you
I still feel the same
You are someone else, I am still right here
Do you feel sick when I cross your mind? It never stopped hurting. I hope it hurts you too. Because all I wanted was you and you kept me around for conscience for so long.
No use in thinking about it now, you’re gone, you’re gone, you’re gone
Why would I try to find someone else after all of this? What’s the point when I’m killing myself by giving myself so fully to people who just intend to use me? I can’t trust anymore. I need to remember
And I’ll be what you want, I’ll be what you need, I can love you more
But it’s too late to fix that problem now
How long before you hurt for me
I really did believe in my heart that you would come back. The way it ended between us made it seem like things could be different.
Why would I think I would suddenly be enough for you when I was never enough for you the entire time? It was foolish of me and I should have left before I got hurt. But how else would I have known for sure? All I know is that you really used me. You knew how I felt and you used me. You’re a terrible person but I just saw so much in you. I cut my heart open for you because I thought you deserved it.
You couldn’t hate enough to love. Is that supposed to be enough?
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight
It took the death of hope to let you go
I’d give up forever to touch you
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
I need to end things quickly if I ever feel something for anyone again. I can’t do this again. I don’t know how else to avoid this pain. I really don’t know how I’m still alive at this point.
Why’d I let you walk all over me
6/11/22
You hurt like nothing I’ve ever felt before
We both know what you did, what you said, what you felt. I don’t know why I thought you’d ever come back.
Do you ever ache for me
You made me feel crazy, like it was all fake
6/13/22
You wanted me, just not enough to make you stay
Why did you kiss me so passionately if you never wanted me
I just want to come to terms with what happened. I want to understand. And I’m so afraid and sad that I never will. You always knew I was in love with you. That’s why you were quiet when I asked you if you knew. You knew. You held my heart in your hands until it bled so you could dispose of it easily. It had no use for you anymore. You used me. I really hope you learned from this so you never hurt anyone like this again. You’re a fool and so am I for believing you were different. I wish you could feel the pain you caused me. I wish you could have felt something. Anything. I wish you could have tried. Maybe if I said I’d wait for you to love me things would be different. But then again if you didn’t love me after me staying with you and loving you through cancer I don’t think it could ever be possible. I just want to forget because I can’t understand. I hate this. Everyday. I hate this. I hate thinking about you and how you’re doing. I hate that I see your smile when I close my eyes. I hate that I hear your voice and remember our first date so vividly. I hate that I regret everything and wish I could have maybe done something different to make you love me. But I can’t make anyone love me. I did everything I could and you just couldn’t. I wish that you would just disappear from my mind. I don’t want to feel you everywhere I go. See you everywhere I go. It’s been a long time and I don’t want to love you forever. My heart can’t take this. You’re the reason I don’t believe in love. Or what I thought love was. I don’t know who you turned me into. Or maybe it’s all my fault for allowing myself to fall for you. But I couldn’t stay away and you seemed to want to keep me. I want this to all go away. I don’t want you to be a memory. You gaslit me so bad that I don’t even know what was real about us. It hurts so bad. Why did you do all that shit with me if you didn’t want me? Over and over and over again. You made me feel special and then ripped that feeling out of my chest.
Why the hell did I believe so strongly that you would never leave me? I felt so safe in your arms.
6/14/22
How did it feel to hurt someone that bad?
Thinking of you makes me wince in pain and my eyes start to water. As if I’m reliving the moment you left and what you said so easily over and over and over.
I hope your conscience eats at you and you can’t breathe without me
All you’ll ever be is a sad selfish man. I hope you never forget what you did to me
6/15/22
Why do I still think that deep down you care when you always showed me you didn’t? Why did I hold on so long? Why am I still holding on? I need to just fucking let go. You won’t leave my thoughts and it kills me all the fucking time. I hate you for this. I hate what you put me through and how you never even bother to check on me and see how I’m doing.
You know, I’m proud of myself when I go a day without writing about you. I fucking hate how it’s been so long and it’s clear that every single second of every day you consume my thoughts and put me through hell every time I remember. I hate you so much. I wish and wish again that I could hurt you back somehow but I know there’s nothing I can do to make you feel the same pain I do. I’m such a fool for thinking you’d care after all this time. Why did I think you’d come back? I can’t handle this I don’t understand.
Everything is still about you. No matter who I have in my life or who wants me in their life, I destroy myself over and over again as I still wait for you to notice me but you don’t. You never did and never will. You never fucking cared at all. I don’t fucking understand.
You must have loved the feeling of a girl being obsessed with you. You’re a terrible man, Ethan . I wish I would have believed you sooner. I hate you. You’re a horrible person for keeping me around for attention. You hated your dad but I bet you you’re just like him. A sorry excuse for a man who only cares about himself. You’re gonna realize that one day and you’re going to hate the very skin you live in. It’s a shame you couldn’t let me try to help you. You pushed me away like I bet you do to everyone else. You don’t deserve to live in my mind. Fuck. You.
You selfish bitch I hope you fucking burn in hell for this shit.
What’s the point of any of this? I know you’ll never fucking care. I need to remove you completely. I just wish I could erase you from my mind.
I can’t breathe
You never give me peace of mind. I don’t know why I still search for you.
I unfollowed you tonight.
I hate how I’m forced to sit with these awful feelings while you already forgot me. It was always fucking one sided and I chose to not notice because I didn’t want to believe it was true. I hate you. Over and over I hate you.
6/16/22
I’m really tired of hating. I just want to forget you.
You never did anything for me anyway. I never needed you and I still don’t. My heart just wanted you. It’s so easy for me to find a new man who likes me anyway.
Nothing I could have done would have changed your mind. That’s why I need to let it be. I can find peace in knowing I did everything I could. I won’t regret it. This is just how things are meant to be.
6/17/22
Thoughts of it never being meant to be suffocates my chest
You left so quietly
6/18/22
You had a point though. How would you ever love me when I never let you or believe anything you said about me?
I dream of freeing you from my mind completely.
I really don’t want to know whatever you’ve been up to since it’s without me. You were better with me.
Maybe I don’t miss you. Maybe I just miss the way you made me feel. I can feel something again. It doesn’t have to be you.
6/19/22
I see you for how you are now. I don’t want that person in my life right now anyway.
You’re just a memory now. That’s all you’ll ever be.
You made me forget who I am.
It’s easier to hate you then to keep you close to my heart
6/20/22
What is even the point of hating or loving someone you know you’re never gonna see again? All that energy just stays inside me. And I don’t want it. There’s no use in hating you if I can’t even show you that hate, the same way you wouldn’t let me show you my love for you.
I don’t desire to be mistreated anymore because of you. It was an element of hating myself that made me want that. I don’t want to do that anymore. I have worth.
6/22/22
Losing you made me a much angrier person. But it also made me stronger, more powerful, and less willing to put up with mistreatment or any other kind of bullshit from anyone.
You’ll probably never notice I blocked you and that’s what hurts the most. But I have to get you out of my goddamn head.
6/23/22
You should rot. I hate you more every day. You fucking murdered who I used to be.
I wish I could snap your neck :// I don’t want any more fucking reminders of you
6/24/22
You were an aggressive lover. But I couldn’t ever get enough of you
6/25/22
Never overestimating my place in someone’s life ever again
You’re not worth missing, begging for, or dying for. I don’t know why I ever thought you were everything. You really fooled me. You never gave a fuck about me when I always thought we were in this together. I really thought we were a team. I really thought we understood each other. I was wrong. You sucked the life out of me. You killed who I was. I don’t understand how you used me so mercilessly. I know that you knew all along. That’s why I hate you. I hate you so much.
I should have never begged you to stay. You weren’t worth the pain. You gave me nothing. I just wanted to protect you. I should have never held onto you. I was in denial. I thought you loved me. You never did. It was so clear. It just never made sense in my heart that a person can use another so mercilessly. You made me lose hope. The person I thought you were was never real. I thought you were a person. I thought you were real.
Shame on me for thinking I need you
You’re not here but you still make me cry
6/26/22
I wish there was a way to forget you completely
How could I ever forgive if I can’t forget? Why do you have to be so cold? Your absence continues to put spears through my heart. I hate you for never trying to come back. I hate you and I’ll hate you until the end of time because you would never let me love you, because you aren’t able to do the same. I hate you and the reason that makes me so sad is because I always wanted to keep you safe and make you feel loved. I would have done anything for you and you made me seem crazy. You made me feel like I was nothing and could never amount to anything. A was a toy to you. So easily replaced, holding no meaning whatsoever. I hate you over and over. I will hate you until the end of me. I didn’t know people like you really existed. You’re truly the worst person I’ve ever met. I hope you live with guilt. I know you don’t, because you’re a piece of shit that can’t love another person because of your selfishness. I hate you. I hate your voice. I hate your body. I hate your humor. I hate your face. I hate your mind. I hate how you seem to be so innocent and you’re the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I hate that you had cancer so I feel bad for hating you. You deserved to be hated. I don’t want to ever hear or see anything about you ever again. I want you to rot in hell. You’re a terrible person with a horrible mind that only wants instant gratification. You don’t deserve someone who loves you. Someone like me. I hate everything about you. I hope you choke on the lies you told to me and I hope misery consumes you. Just disappear off of this planet. Please. You ruined me. I hate you. I hate you. Fuck you. Never find happiness. You don’t deserve anything. I hate that I cry over such a fucking loser. Fuck. You. This devastation that continues to linger poisons me. I hate what you’ve done to me. You’re a monster and that’s all you ever will be. Don’t ever think you’re not. I want to rip you apart until you’re unrecognizable. I hate your soul that tricked me into thinking you were someone else. You’re fucking evil. What a disaster you have become. I want to crack your neck. I want you to waste away. I have never hated someone as much as I hated you.
I fell in love with your potential. But you could never love enough to change. You could never hate enough to love.
I hope someone breaks you. I hate how it couldn’t be me. You cursed my life.
It isn’t worth it to try to find someone new. I cannot go through this again.
6/27/22
I can’t destroy what isn’t there.
6/28/22
I still look for you in everyone I meet
I always made you so happy. Why wasn’t it enough?
My heart still aches for you. It’s a dull, hollow pain. Why do you still make me cry if you’re gone
6/29/22
I should have known, but I didn’t. And now that I do know, I will never be fooled by the words of any man ever again. You’re a fraud and wouldn’t even admit that to me when you shattered me. I still burst into tears when I remember. I just want to forget you. Words don’t mean a thing. You taught me that.
All those special times, you said that I’m your girl, they don’t mean shit.
You’re a monster and I hope you suffer.
Why did you have to keep me around so long if you didn’t want me?
Promised it all but you lied
6/30/22
You did this to me
I’ll always hate
You’re a fucking liar
You never gave a fuck about me. You never will.
I never want to be vulnerable again
I hope you know that no one will ever love you as much as I did. But you probably don’t even deserve that kind of love so it doesn’t matter. You’re going to continue to lose your entire life.
How did you forget?
Please, just go.
You wouldn’t notice anyway.
I don’t want to hate you forever, but if I can’t love you forever I have to hate you forever. You gave me no choice.
I’ll never have control
If you still care don’t ever let me know
You only cared about your reputation and that’s all you’ll ever care about. You’re a fucking loser. You’re just like youre fucking dad you piece of shit. I would sock you in the face if I ever saw you again so I hope I never do. I hope I never even meet anyone like you again. You’re a plague and you destroyed me. You made me sick and left me to fucking die. How the fuck do you live with yourself knowing what you did to me? Choke. You shouldn’t be happy. You should look in the mirror and see the ugliness inside of you and completely melt into the ground in despair. Suffer until the end of time. Or at least until I forget you.
Why
Why did I let you take all control until I had nothing left
7/1/22
No one ever taught me how to let this go
Was I the one that left? If I was, wouldn't you care? At least a little bit? Wouldn’t you have tried a little harder to keep me if I was truly the one that left? Were you just waiting for me to let you go? Was I a nuisance when all I did was care for your withering soul?
You never deserved any of this.
I don’t want you in my mind. I don’t want to see your fucking face ever again. It’s been far too long to hold onto any sliver of hope. I don’t want even a little piece of you in my heart. You deserve nothing.
Because of you, I will be untouchable ~ as in, no one will ever have control over my mind or emotions ever again. I’m no longer going to give anyone that power to devastate me. I’m worth so much more than being treated less than real.
When I see the word “monster” your name is the first that comes to mind.
Obviously I don’t want you to be sick again. But I want you to suffer emotionally for what you did to me. I wish you would. I know you won’t. Karma will get you some day.
I should have just let you go completely when you wouldn’t stay that one night. I knew then. Maybe I even knew earlier. You didn’t love me and never would.
Why could these memories not start to fade right when you left me? Why are you still alive in me?
If you constantly have to prove to me you don’t care about your ego even when I never cared or asked, you do care. You care too much, and only about yourself. One day you’ll see that. You’re such a fucking loser.
7/2/22
HE’S THE ONLY ONE THAT MAKES ME SAD
Set you on fire, cuz I’m on fire.
Never. Nowhere. Never again. I want to disappear from everyone’s eyes. Nothing more. Nothing. Soulmates don’t stay. Let me go. I have no where, no one. I still love you. I just want this to end. Leave me be. Rise above. I want to rise above. Float away from this all. Forget you. Forgive you. Go away. From it all. Just go. Please. I’ve been burning for so long. I’m nothing left. You took me away from me. You’re not safe for me. Get out of me. Do you feel no shame?
The thought of loving someone again makes me sob against any control I have over my body. I don’t want to be devastated again.
I don’t feel very pretty. Being someone’s everything doesn’t even mean they want you. Maybe they needed you for a time, but once they’ve used you up and don’t need you anymore, they have nothing left to get out of you. That’s why they leave. That’s why you left. You destroyed who I thought I was. I won’t open my heart to anyone again.
It was so humiliating. You made me feel so ugly. I don’t want to remember your name. Why do you live in my mind if I can’t even visit yours? Careless, evil man. You’re so full of yourself, you worthless piece of shit. You don’t know who you are. Nothing about you is good. You didn’t even want to try. You wanted to be selfish, to be a bad man. You’re such a sorry excuse for a man. I wish there was just something inside of you. Why couldn’t you have hated enough to love? I want you to destroy yourself. If you cared in the slightest about anything you would have at least been affected by this. But you weren’t. You destroyed another person to make yourself feel good about yourself.
You ate away at my soul. I hope I never hear your name or see your face ever again. Did you hurt me to save yourself? You knew you were all I had, all I needed. You left me in cold blood.
7/3/22
U were never there
Hollow
I can’t do this.
Why can’t I stop imagining you in my room? In my mind? You’re everywhere. Everywhere. You love behind my eyes. I still hear you. Get the fuck out. I’m so sad. My heart won’t let me let you go. To be free from these grips you have in me, even though you don’t want me anyway.
You sucked the life out of me. You used me up until there was nothing left and threw me away.
How could I miss someone who was never even there?
It was electric. We were on fire. So passionate. I thought you felt it too. You left bite marks on my skin. You took away all the innocence I had left. I don’t trust anymore. I won’t.
You killed the saint in me
Precious glass eyes, bitter soul, cold heart. You had poison in your lips. You turned me into someone else.
7/4/22
I get horny so I think of you. And then I get so fucking sad. My chest gets hollow. Possession and obsession is what we were.
The universe just didn’t want us together. I wasn’t meant for you to hold.
7/5/22
Looking at your pictures still makes me lose my breath. Why do I do this to me? A hollow aching inside. I want something to make my mind numb when I think of you so it doesn’t hurt anymore. It would be so much easier if I could forget. Nothing could tear me away from you. I don’t know if I’ve experienced a love more passionate. And it was fake. So what does that mean?
Will I ever run out of things to say?
Why was it so easy for you to leave? To lose someone who loved you forever? How could you feel nothing at all? Are you not real? Was nothing real? He isn’t real. I can’t make him real. You just let me slip away. How are you true? How was that really the end? You’re not real. Why does it still feel like it was all a lie?
To forget you completely… all I want. I don’t know what to do. I’d do anything to have him to myself. Just to have him for myself. And he makes me sad. I remember everything. Everything about you. Somehow, you made me forget everything else. So I don’t feel a thing without you. Nothing makes sense anymore. For so long. Without you. Please let me forget. You have such grips on my mind, constantly dragging me down, beating me down. I’m scared to ever love again, to lose all control. To love is to lose control. And I feel I will love you forever as I continue to hate. No one can save me from this here. I thought you were my companion. You made me hollow. You made me gray.
7/6/22
Have you hurt for me yet? How does it feel?
You were soft but still so cold.
7/7/22
I don’t want to get involved with anyone anymore. None of it is worth the pain.
You’re still the fire that lives within me
7/8/22
He isn’t real. I can’t make him real.
Do I miss you or do I just miss feeling like I had someone even if I didn’t really?
You made me powerless. Once you left I had to take the steps to regain everything I lost when I fell in love with you. Never again. It feels unimaginably amazing when you lose yourself in someone because you don’t care about anything else. But it’s never worth the pain. I just want to be alone.
I want him, but we’re not right.
I’m sorry if I smothered you.
You thought my want for you to love me was me asking too much of you. I was only asking you to accept me for who I am and care for me. You couldn’t do that. You couldn’t do anything. You couldn’t ever hold me.
I have plenty. But they aren’t you.
7/9/22
You told me everything. And regardless, I wanted to hold you. To protect you: to love you. To keep you safe. To let you know that no matter what I would never leave you. But you left me because you wouldn’t care the same. I thought you were so beautiful, could I ever love someone more? I hope you know what we had was rare. I hope you know what you lost. I don’t want anyone else’s kiss. Anyone else’s arms. I don’t have anything left from you. But still, you never leave my mind.. I don’t want half my life to spent getting over people who never loved me.. I would have bled myself dry for you..
Bury all your secrets in my skin.
It will never be the same, no one will ever make me feel that way again. Choke me, tie me up, beat me down, I’ll never feel it again. The unrequited dream.
7/11/22
I wish somehow I could get those feelings you gave me back. I don’t know if I can find them in another. Something so intimate. And you knew it too. How could you not miss me at all when you know you felt it too? What were you so scared of?
7/12/22
I didn’t want to do this shit with anyone else. There was so much I wanted to do with you. I ran out of time too soon. Now I’m left alone. I don’t want to do any of this because it’s not with you. How is any of this ever gonna feel like enough with someone else? None of this makes sense without you!
You held all the pieces of me in the palm of your hand and then threw me away when it was too much to carry. You couldn’t try to hold on. There was no thought behind how easily you threw me away.
7/13/22
And even still, I would still adore you.
I would do anything for a piece of you. And you don’t even care to check if I’m still alive. That’s why it hurts so much. I always wanted you so bad. You never came back. I don’t fucking care about anyone else. I wanted you. I never thought I could ever feel this way again. You killed me. Every day you’re gone is a day where a piece of me melts away and disappears just like you did. I wish there was a way to make all these thoughts die just like you did in my works when all I ever wanted was to care for you. I still remember everything. Everything you told me, everything I told you, everything we did. It won’t go away. It won’t even fade. I’ll always love you. Even if you can never be mine. I only want someone to fill this space you left but no amount of love from anyone else could fix this wreckage you left. You gave me life and tore it straight out of me. I lifted all this weight off of you and killed myself over and over to keep you alive. And I cry because what the fuck did I get from all of this? A lesson to not love or trust again? I didn’t fall easily. I fell slowly but hard. And that’s why it will take just as long if not longer to forget. If I ever do. You were everything to me, and you didn’t need to do a damn thing to deserve that. I would have loved you no matter what. I just wish you would have let me. What a murderous being. I hate what you’ve done to me. There is not a thing on this earth that I wouldn’t have done for you and you don’t care. How could you do this to me? A man who never loved will never come back. I know this now. I wince in pain each time I remember. I remember how your hands felt in mine, and every inch of you body. You felt like you were made for me. Please, life, let me forget. And please, never do this to me again. I can’t handle this again. I wouldn’t live the next time. I will be alone as long as I don’t have to feel this way again. I hate your guts, I hate you. How could you forget?
7/14/22
I could say how could you over and over again, but it doesn’t change the fact that I let you use me for so long because you were sick and I loved you. I never asked for anything in return. I guess I learned to never do that again. I matter too. You made me forget that.
What do you have now that I’ve been gone for so long?
I hope you’re alone and never get loved the way I loved you again.
7/15/22
Even though you destroyed me, I think this heartbreak needed to happen. Or else I would never regain my strength or be able to drown my self hatred.
If I wasn’t so intense would you have stayed? Was I too much? Did I really just scare you away? Could this have been prevented? Now I’m just fucking horny all the time and alone. FUCK I HATE YOU SO MUCH. I want to fucking get off to pictures to you but I know I’ll just end up crying like always. I’m hopelessly devoted to you until the end and I can’t change my own mind. If it can’t be you I need someone to fuck me now before I scream. I want to be fucked till I’m dead. You were the closest I had to anything real in so fucking long and it’s impossible you didn’t feel it too. I just want that feeling back. You were everything to me. You were everything. You were everything. You were all I wanted. All I need. Now I don’t know what to do. I thought we had so much. So much. I miss you like fucking hell Ethan and I hate that. It will always fucking be you. Always I hate you and that sick curse you put on me. Your sick words. Your moans you put in my ear. I wanted all of you. No matter the cost. I would have given any fucking thing to have you and I still would. You entrapped my fucking soul forever.
7/16/22
I can’t be that easy to forget like that
Hate ur guts
One sure way to absolutely destroy my heart. Pretend like you’ll be there for me forever and leave right when I need you most. I’m so fucking sad right now and it doesn’t feel like I’ll ever find someone who wants me fully.
It’s never worth explaining your hurt to someone who doesn’t love you. I promise you that they genuinely don’t care. They don’t deserve to be in your life at all.
Should I have said it earlier? Later? Or never at all? Or should I have left right when I started to feel something?
I’ve wrote so much for you that the page lags when I write here
There’s been some type of fire within me since you left. I set things on fire as I touch them but I still feel so empty inside. I’m tired of everything and everyone
“It wasn’t just sex Lexi, it was intimacy…” what did you mean? What did you want? Of course it was real. And you knew it was. So what the fuck did you not feel?
I fall apart
You should have kissed me one last time. Now I don’t feel anything with anyone else. You’re the only one that made me really feel something… will you really be the last? I thought you really saw me. I don’t feel anything anymore. Any love. Those chills that I knew, they were nothing without you.. did you just take me for granted? Who the fuck would love you like I do? It’s not enough… he was never really there.., fully
Why am I never enough
You’re mine you will always be mine
Do you destroy everything you leave behind? How does that make you feel?
7/17/22
I really thought I could make you always be mine. I thought you were meant for me. I pictured us having kids together. I wanted you forever. Now what do I have? I never took you for granted. I loved you to bits and pieces. Everything. I always would. I always will. I wanted to take your cancer so you’d never be in pain. I can’t love anyone else.
I wish I could take your crazy pull it out of you
I wish I could eat your cancer
To hold you again… to feel something
To save you from yourself
How are you gonna find someone else who will love you that much? Why would you let that go?
I can still feel you
Hear you
Smell you
Taste you
Breathe you in
I thought you were mine
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight
I really thought that you would come back
I just want to feel alive again
My heart is still yours…
To feel your skin on mine…
For you to hold my chin and kiss my face
I cherished you
Every second
I miss you
With a heavy heart
Oh what a mess you left
You felt like forever
And your passion
I was lost
I love you so much
You broke my heart completely
My dream man..
But I was never enough
You stained your clothes with my blood
I hope it never washes away
Lover..
I was in love with you
I wanted to die
You crushed me
The man who killed me
Is the only thing you are now
Now who am I?
The worst part was that you didn’t feel a thing
I think you fuck me up
7/18/22
I knew you struggled with emotions. Maybe you’d still be here if I didn’t push you so hard. Could I have still had you? Was it me that left? But my feelings are so strong, how could I have softened them? I guess all I can do is life until someone else can love me back.. I can't keep going on like this, living for you. I’ve just been trying to kill this part of me that was you for so long. The very worst part of me is you. It still feels like you jabbed a knife into my heart. I hate how I helped fix the damage that your parents created and I get fucking killed in return. I miss your hands. And your lips. You’re in my blood. I can still taste it.
I don’t want anyone to think I’m still hung up on a man I never dated. But I am. And I need to move past this alone, it doesn’t matter what other
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