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Letters for you, and everything about you (raw, explicit, unedited) PART 2
4 months ago · 0 · limerence, +5 · Explicit
132
7/18/22
I knew you struggled with emotions. Maybe you’d still be here if I didn’t push you so hard. Could I have still had you? Was it me that left? But my feelings are so strong, how could I have softened them? I guess all I can do is life until someone else can love me back.. I can't keep going on like this, living for you. I’ve just been trying to kill this part of me that was you for so long. The very worst part of me is you. It still feels like you jabbed a knife into my heart. I hate how I helped fix the damage that your parents created and I get fucking killed in return. I miss your hands. And your lips. You’re in my blood. I can still taste it.
I don’t want anyone to think I’m still hung up on a man I never dated. But I am. And I need to move past this alone, it doesn’t matter what other people want.
7/19/22
Who’s going to make me feel that way again? It will never be how I wanted it to be again. Maybe I can accept that some day.
Every day I taste you still. You made everything else feel small. You were everything to me.
“You are the bestest, I will obey you”
I’ll never be a weak bitch ever again
7/20/22
But for just a second, did you love me back?
I don’t want to keep falling for evil, but there will always be something so enticing about a man who finds some kind of pleasure in hurting me…
7/22/22
I don’t want to see your face or hear about you ever again.
7/23/22
It isn’t fair that it will always be you when you’ll never feel the same
I wonder if you’ve even noticed… or if you ever will.
You can’t let yourself love someone who refuses to put their heart into anything they do, because they’ll do the same with you
Everywhere I look and all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be
Because of you, I won’t let myself love evil men anymore. I’ll run away before it begins.
You never needed any help, you sold me out to save yourself.
Angels lie to keep control
Destroying all the things you’ve left around
Was it bad timing or was I wrong about you the entire time?
What did you do to my eyes?
7/24/22
I wasted so much time loving you. Too much time.
Why did it feel so real? You were so real with me..
7/25/22
I miss you every time I try to think of someone else
It felt like a type of magic I never felt before every time I looked into your eyes, I thought our souls were in sync. Do you really never think of me?
Is it possible to forget the way you made me feel? I was fully devoted to you, and in my heart I still am and that kills me every day. I don’t want anyone else like want you still. I feel empty now. All the time. How could I trust anyone again? How could I feel?
I can’t do this anymore. I can’t let you consume my mind. But I don’t know how to let you go. I just want to be free.
It’s all that I can do to make it stop, love
But you held me in your arms just a little too tight
No one else feels so safe
7/26/22
How was it so easy for you to walk away from a fire that you created?
I should have left when you called me an 8
I should have known I could have never been the one in the eyes of someone who never valued me, who never saw my spark even though I saw his. Because it doesn’t matter what I see if he doesn’t see me. I will not get to that kind of desperation again, where every time you saw me I thought it meant something, when you were just entertaining me so you didn’t have to be lonely. It’s very easy for me to spot out a motive now. You taught me that people would do anything just as long as they didn’t have to be alone, regardless of how they feel for a person. There’s no point in being upset anymore. There’s nothing to hold onto. I have to accept that you never felt anything. I need to choose someone who actually wants me back. You so freely accepted my love while you never intended to return the favor. It was always about you. I let it be about you. I won’t do that again. I won’t subject myself to that torture again. I accept full responsibility for letting you take complete advantage of me and it will never happen again. I’m worth so much more than that.
Did you feel no shame?
Always knew that you’d be ruthless, but I never thought you could do this
If someone sees you as a possession, they don’t love you.
I wish I knew how to stop loving you
7/27/22
I try to stop caring but you’re life has been such a disaster that I don’t know if I could ever stop. I wish I could have tried to be your friend but I know I wouldn’t be able to take that heartache for the rest of my life… even after all this pain you caused I just wish I could still keep you safe and warm. I know I made you happy, but happy is never enough, especially for a completely broken man.
7/28/22
Not being honest from the start is what led us here. Maybe I can save myself from future heartbreak as long as I ask for what I deserve: communication and clarity.
The way i feel doesn’t always dictate the truth. You just weren’t meant for me even though I wanted it to be you so badly. It took me a long time to accept that. It will continue to hurt in waves but I want to accept this now. I want to be okay with remembering and understanding that there is someone else out there who will love me endlessly, and I’ll never have to beg for that love.
7/29/22
How did it feel to lose someone who was the only one who loved and protected you? It was always your loss. I hope you know that. And learn from that. I was everything you wanted and more, but you didn’t want me. You killed the saint in me.
8/1/22
It feels pathetic to have held onto you for so long
One of the loneliest feelings in the world is to miss someone you never really had in the first place
I keep wondering do you think of me
It’s only your body that I miss, and your eyes. No one fills the void you left. I would have died for you. And I did.
8/2/22
It doesn’t matter how much I gave a fuck about you if you aren’t here. I hope I can release you fully some day. My love doesn’t belong to you. You didn’t need it, you just used it.
I still have to fight these demons every time you cross my mind because you didn’t think I fit into your life. It wasn’t toxic. It just wasn’t real. None of it was real. Nothing has hurt more deeply in my life than the scar you left in me. I turn into something else every time I remember. It makes me feel soulless. Heartless. You linger here. You hurt me. You’ll hurt me more than you ever did in your presence. Your absence is the loudest reminder that you were never mine. You’ve been gone for almost as long as the time I thought I had you. How could I ever trust someone again? When they tell me how they feel about me? Will it ever be real? You drained all of the heart that I had before. I walk around empty. With nothing left to really give. I gave you everything I had. How do you sleep at night? Why is it so easy for you to never care after everything I gave you?
Was what we had close? To being real? In your heart? I’m scared. To fall in love again. I don’t want to do it again. I wanted you. You tore me apart. And I still can’t imagine loving someone more than I loved you. I don’t feel anything if it’s not for you. I’m so sad right now.
8/3/22
Who’s going to take care of you when you don’t have the strength to?
I would forget you in a heartbeat if I could.
There were so many signs I ignored and so many thoughts I tried to push out of my mind. I hate thinking about you. I want to replace every thought I have with you. I don’t want to think of any of it again. It's so painful, like an embarrassing tug at my heart, trying to pull it out of my chest. Nothing has hurt more than that deep aching rejection. You were gay and I tried so hard to push that thought away. I hate thinking about it so much, that I wasn’t even desirable to you. It makes me sick. And so sad. I hope no one will ever see how pathetic I looked being completely infatuated with you while you fucked me not feeling anything at all. Why did you have to make me feel something when you didn’t want me at all? What a curse you are. I feel so full of shame and embarrassment it’s horrible. I can’t even do anything over the sounds of these screeching memories. Get the fuck out. You’re the worst and used me like I had nothing in me. Nothing to me. You’re not a man. You’re the worst person I’ve ever met. You’re a monster. You slimy piece of shit Ethan. Fuck. You. I’m so sensitive to matters of the heart. Every reminder makes me relive those awful moments with you. How long would you have kept me in your life before you disposed of me on your own?
8/4/22
All you can hear is your own voice fueling delusion in you
You’re a piece of trash that never leaves me, following me around every where I go. I can never be in peace because of you. I hate your guts. Still. And I don’t want the world to see me cuz I don’t think that they’d understand. You made this a full year of healing… you pulled every piece of me apart, parts of me I didn’t even know could be shattered so easily, and for so long. It’s been so long. Scraping through my head till I don’t want to sleep anymore. You took away all the dignity that I had. I had to build myself up because of you so no one will ever tear me down again.
In my nothing you meant everything to me
I don’t want to be sad anymore. You were never worth begging and waiting for. You tricked me into believing you needed me when you just wanted to use me to benefit yourself. We weren’t even friends. You just poured everything onto me to relieve yourself of pain, as if I was a fire to burn your thoughts. And you put me out so quickly, until I was nothing at all. I always gave you the benefit of the doubt but you’re truly a terrible man. You had all the awareness of who you are and what you did and you refused to change. It breaks my heart and it’s not fair. I can never trust again. All I wanted was to hold you. You ran away as fast as you could, as soon as I set you free. You didn’t fight. You couldn’t hate enough to love. I’ve been in pain for too long. I deserve so much more. I wish I could take back all of that time that you stole from me. I should have never cared so deeply for such an evil man. I was never not enough for you. You just didn’t care I’m to see my worth. Your horrible life is not an excuse for taking advantage of someone who loved you for so long. I don’t want any positive memories of you. You only deserve hate.
8/5/22
Why did I have to fall for someone like you? If you never got sick this would have been so much easier. But is that selfish to say?
I hope you wonder about me and it drives you crazy knowing what you lost. I hope your heart is filled with so much regret.
It was just the way you made me feel that I miss. I hate you as a person for destroying me. I wish I didn’t have to spend this entire year trying to get over you but at least I’ve improved myself immensely. A year of growth and healing.
8/7/22
I don’t know if thought of you most likely being gay makes this harder or worse. Either way it’s clear you used me in any way you could.
You’re a lost cause. I’m sad I wasted so much time on you, and thinking about you. It all amounted to nothing in the end. I wish I never believed it would ever work. Because it won’t. It never did and it never will. I will not let myself become someone’s possession again. I was never a person to him. I just want all of you, every lingering thought to go away. The sad reality is that I know you never wanted me. I knew it all along. And I stayed because I wanted you, hoping things could be different some day. If you never felt it you never will. And that’s just the truth. I have to fix myself, not anyone else. I can’t let myself be attracted to evil men. I’ve accepted this as truth, I know who I am, and I know I must change, for my own sake. I could prevent myself from so much pain. I can’t save someone who isn’t willing to change or to take any responsibility for their feelings or lack thereof. You knew what you were doing. You didn’t want to change. That won’t be different with any of the next people you meet until you’re willing to change. I don’t think I want the best for you, but I do hope you never hurt anyone else. I hope I never see you again. If you still care don’t ever let me know.
8/8/22
I just want to run out of things to say to you.
Because of you, I will make sure to say how I feel when I feel it because I don’t want to waste any of my time on someone who can’t feel the same. I’m going to protect my heart and not hang on to anyone who doesn’t care for me. I’m not holding onto anyone anymore. It’s not worth the pain. It’s never worth the pain.
8/10/22
I still can’t believe I almost killed myself over a closeted gay man.
8/12/22
You don’t deserve to live in my mind. You never did.
8/17/22
No one is worth the amount of pain I endured for you.
I know that some day, the thought of you won’t bring me any pain. And that’s all I want, really.
How could I ever come to terms with something I never had closure on? I wish I didn’t have to meet you so I would never have to try to forget you.
Will I even ever find someone who can compare?
8/18/22
I’ve never stopped missing you, loving you. But maybe it’s not you I miss but feeling like someone was mine, at least for a little while.
8/20/22
Why do I still miss you?
No matter how much I try to conceptualize this in my brain, you will never be mine, and it will never be meant to be. Someone else is meant for me. And that’s okay.
You destroyed me, but look at how far I got, where I am now. I am so strong.
I love myself more and more every day. So losing you was the biggest blessing covered up in thorns and pain.
The only man that could make me cum but would never cum himself
I miss our moments when I stared into your eyes and everything meant nothing and you felt like forever. I really thought you were. Forever. Did you really feel nothing in those moments? All I know is that I brought you peace and comfort. But that’s never enough is it? I know more than anyone. Nothing ever matters. We never were something. I still hurt, Ethan. I hope you know how bad I hurt. I would say you’re the cancer that lived in you, but I could never hurt you. Even though I always said I would. I just wanted to hold you.I would have never left if you truly needed me to stay. I don’t know what you are.
8/22/22
I wish you hated me. I don’t want to be liked by you. I want to be hated. Because you couldn’t love me. Actually, because of you, I don’t give a fuck if anyone likes me. Love me, hate me, or leave me. I’d rather be all alone than someone be unsure of how they feel of me, completely devoid of emotion. What a worthless waste of time. To care for someone who could never feel the same. The hate still lives inside of me. It will never go away.
8/23/22
I hate remembering all the stupid little things. Cuz they’re the things I loved about you. And you never noticed my little things. You were a waste of happiness that should have been planted in a more fertile garden. I hate you still and I hate I remember everything you said that killed me.
8/24/22
I hold myself responsible for letting you stick pins into my heart. I’ll never let anyone do that to me again. They’ll be lucky if they get a chance.
Why would I ever let anyone in after what you did to me? I find so much comfort in darkness and solitude. I don’t need anyone to save me. This is who I am.
I think I would scream and cry if I saw you again, even just the thought of seeing you scares the hell out of me.
I wish I could forget your name
How long will this hurt me? Will it be until the end of time? When will I not be reminded of you? You were never even mine
8/27/22
I think I forgive you.
I can still love you. Just so far away.
8/30/22
One day, I won’t have anything left to say to you. And I’ll be free.
8/31/22
I never wanted to let you go. You made me feel everything. The whole universe. You were everything to me. I hope I never leave your mind and you understand everything I was to you. I was the girl that would carry you on my shoulders through hell and keep you safe. You lost a girl who loved so deeply and saw your soul. I swear I saw it. Like I’ve never seen anyone else. I cared so deeply for you. Don’t forget about that. I hope you can’t find that again and remember everything I was for you. I would have gave up everything if only I could have you. Did a piece of you vanish like you said it would when I left? Why would you say that if you never intended to stay? I would still throw everything away for you. Nothing else would matter. The world would disappear if I could hold you again. Are you still an empty hole inside? Who even are you?
9/2/22
I hope you won’t be my muse forever. It’s still your world I live inside. Everything else. Everyone else faded. You were the only one who stayed, but you didn’t, in the end. I would still give up everything for you. The only thing that’s felt real to me in years. How is that not enough?
Remembering you is a representation of loss. It churns my heart in my chest. If I never knew you I would have never known pain.
Sometimes I like to pretend I still cross your mind. How were you the only one that felt real to me and you felt nothing?
You killed every shred of hope I had left in my life. Now everyone seems the same. Out to hurt me. My heart is cloudy and my brain is fucked. I can’t find some kind of meaning anymore. I feel nothing.
9/4/22
I still love you
Never hold onto hope. That’s what you taught me.
9/5/22
Take my own life just to save yours.
9/6/22
Of course I still think about you. How could I forget?
I hope you’re not sick. And if you are, I hope you have someone there for you. I told you I would always be there for you no matter what. I’m sticking by that.
9/7/22
I don’t think I can feel the way I felt for you for anyone else. I loved every single thing about your beautiful face and interesting personality and could feel your soul. It felt electric and infinite. And if I even began to feel that way again I would be terrified. Because I know people I fall in love with never fall too. It’s heartbreaking. So I’m going to keep loving you until I run out of love for you. I don’t know if that’s possible. And it saddens me because you drove me to the depths of hell with pain and disappeared as soon as you killed me. I would have let you set me on fire until the end of time. That’s not something I ever thought I would say again. But I did. And nothing can change that fact. Everything is still about you. No one will ever compare, they will only allow me a glimpse of us again. You shattered me. I’ll never forget your smile.
I can’t do that again. I can’t willingly allow myself to be used again. Especially not by someone who isn’t even special to me
You were everything to me. I only wanted you. I can’t allow myself to feel that way for someone again unless they are willing to die for me too. Because I know that from you, I’ll put my entire heart into a person and would take all their pain away at the expense of my own. I need someone to feel the same. And they never will if they aren’t willing to fall.
I’d drown my beliefs to have your babies.
I don’t know if it’s possible at this point for someone to feel the same. I really have to just focus on myself and forget everyone and everything that reminds me of us. I cannot let myself light on fire for another man who can’t love me back but keeps me around for their benefit. I really wanted love because you made me feel things I’ve never felt before. Now I just need to be alone.
I would give up so much just to be held by you again
9/8/22
Maybe you can see that I just may be too crazy to love
How was it so easy for you to forget? Why is it so hard for me to find peace and move on?
Of all the streets I see no one will ever be comparable to you.
9/10/22
Your name is still a sore in the back of my throat. It never went away. What you burned
You finally unlocked my frozen heart but then left it to rot instead of keeping it safe
But you were something deeper that I’ve experienced only once before. How could I forget you? Will anything like that ever come back to me?
Pieces of me still hold onto hope and that’s what devastates me after so long
9/11/22
You taught me the persistence of loss
But if I never lost you, would I still exist? Or would I have become you so much that I’m gone? Truly?
9/12/22
Maybe it’s just still too soon to form a new connection. I never forgot anything about you. And I can’t let that get in the way of my future. And I haven’t run into you at all since our last night. And just like I think running into someone means something, I think never seeing them again when they aren’t really that far out of reach means something too. We weren’t meant for each other, even if I felt a soul connection, it’s all too likely you never did. And it is not love if only one person feels it. It’s obsession. And feeling too much is a curse.
9/15/22
You made me see that I might not be good enough for anyone. That’s why I’m so afraid. I know I’m pretty enough… but I’m not really enough. Enough of anything real. For anyone. I feel numb. All I ever wanted was to be held and told I’m enough. You made me feel things I don’t know if I’ll ever feel again. I’ve never been able to stop loving you, because I feel numb without it. I feel nothing without you. Will this emptiness you left in me ever be filled again? You made the pain go away and then you killed me. None of it means anything anymore. No one means anything to me. Not since you left. I’ll never forget the way you left. I miss you calling me your slut. I miss the way you’d take pics in the shower for me. I miss you not sharing your food with me. Why the fuck does it feel like you never left sometimes? Like we’re still together? Like I can feel you here, sense your everything all the time? You felt like something I need. You made me feel things I didn’t even know were real. The only way I can describe it is a soul connection. Maybe that’s why I still feel you. Because your spirit is floating through me.
I’m not even worried about getting hurt by someone else because how could they ever compare to you and what you did to me?
But it’s not that different, really. I’ve been lonely my entire life. I have never felt complete on my own. Not once. The only time I feel close to being alive is with another person. Devastatingly, I have sex to fill the void, thinking it will bring me closer to living. But it doesn’t last. Nothing worth living for lasts. And now all I am is a self absorbed whore. Will I always be bleeding out all this love for people that they don’t even want? I thought that I’d be stronger by now
9/17/22
You’re the only one my soul remembers. I continue to ache for you, it’s been so long, too long. I would still crumble to the floor if I ever saw you again. I would disappear knowing I lost something that made me feel things I didn’t know I could feel. There’s no one here for me anymore. Anywhere.
9/24/22
I still miss what we almost had
9/26/22
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I just waited a little bit longer.
I miss the bite marks you left on my chest
They stung
Like you always did
You always made me bleed
9/27/22
Sometimes I feel like it was selfish of me to love you. It was even more selfish of me to expect you to love me back. How could I ever blame you for hurting me after what you went through? How could I ever expect to be on your mind? I never healed, Ethan. Not fully. I love you. I’m glad you’re okay. I search for you in everyone. I didn’t forget anything. Everyone else means nothing to me. They could never compare. I’ll never forget the way you made me feel. Because I still feel it. It ruins me. I was with you through all of that. How could it not destroy me again? I thought I’d be okay by now. I wanted to be with you through it all. I thought I was made for you. Maybe I was just made for you in sickness, never enough to be yours in health. Even if I forgot everything else in my life, I know my mind would hold on to you. But I know that in your eyes I was nothing. He was always the one I love. It will always be you.
I still feel like we’ll meet again some day.
9/29/22
I don’t like how I don’t feel close enough to touch you. We haven’t spoken in over 7 months but there hasn't been a day where you haven’t whispered in my ear. Where I haven’t felt you here.
I wonder if you’re doing this to other girls as I lay here alone
Do you feel my love still?
10/2/22
I haven’t felt comfort since the day you left
10/6/22
All I wanna do is get with you and make the pain go away.
I still feel we’ll meet again some day. After all this time.
Sometimes I still think you stayed. I still think you’re here. Like a ghost.
You were the last thing in my life that made me feel like I was real. Like I was something. You took that part of me when you left. I haven’t found life since then.
How is that a year ago you were kissing me on my bed after so much time of not seeing me because you were sick? I still love you ethan. Nothing has made sense since I last saw you. Nothing feels like anything without you. I will always love you. I don’t understand how it was so easy for you to let go. Now I can’t form any connections with anyone. You were the only one who felt like a person to me. A person who would never leave. But you left. And so has everyone else. You gave me a reason to keep going. I fight the urge to end it all without you every day. It’s been so long. So fucking long without you. I can’t find meaning anywhere.
10/7/22
If I remember everything, you have to remember some things, right? You couldn’t have forgotten everything that easily, right?
10/8/22
My standards are always too high because they have to compare to you. I think I’m lonely because not only does anyone think like you, but no one even comes close to looking as good as you either. God being without you has been so long but still so painful and I really don’t know how I’m still alive being this alone without the man I wanted for the rest of my life. You felt like the rest of my life. I’ll love you, I swear. Forever, even if you’ve forgotten me by now. I’ve not forgotten you. I never will. I honestly don’t know how I’m still alive right now without you. You were everything. What kept me alive. What kept me going. I just don’t want to be around anyone else. Only you. You were the only one I wanted. You’ll always be the one. Always. Oh please come back. I still don’t know who I am without you.
I’m so pretty that there’s not even any options for me to choose from because everyone is below me. It’s such a shame. Oh god I’m so perfect. I wish we could bask in our perfectness together. No one will ever compare. You’ll always be mine even if I can’t have you. You’re in my mind constantly. I will kill you to love you. The fact that I know the reason I’m alone is because I’m so pretty brings me peace. No one will ever be able to attain me. I’m so perfect it hurts. I don’t belong on this earth Ethan. Neither do you. Come home with me. Please. Someone. Please. I don’t even care if anyone else thinks so. It’s true. I’m the definition of perfection and no one can change that.
I miss you so much Ethan~
Who am I without you ?
10/11/22
I guess I held on for too long…
I can’t hold on forever
I said i would wait forever if I had to
I don’t even want something different and that scares me because I know I’ll never find you in someone else, they won’t be you.
10/12/22
You’re at the gym
If you never saw me then, you definitely won’t see me now
None of this matters
Nothing matters
No one matters
I don’t feel what I thought I would
I just want to punch the wall
It was so fucking long ago
I’m stupid to think you would have cared at all
How could I let myself become you?
Did you drive me to insanity or was it all just me from the start?
You and I weren’t meant to be.
I thought I’d want to fucking kill you
But I just want to be alone
Away from everything
Everyone
Fade away
It all feels meaningless now
I just have to be the only one to love myself
Care for myself
Because caring for anyone else
Is a big waste
And a fucking disaster
I’ll never care for anyone ever again.
Maybe I’m just too fucking crazy
I want to disappear from everyone
Why do I still feel so vulnerable? After all this time and progress I thought I made?
I feel so cold
I will never set myself on fire to keep a cold man warm again. My heart will be ice. I will not open up. I can’t do that again. If I go through this again I don’t think I’d survive it
10/13/22
I won’t let myself hurt over the fact that you hurt me and you still exist. I will no longer live for you or die for you. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be free from this.
10/14/22
I haven’t felt a thing for anyone else since you left. I hope you know I would have loved you forever. I don’t understand why I’ll never be enough. Why am I not enough? I just want to be loved. Please. Why aren’t you in my life? Will someone ever be able to take your place or will it always be you? I hate this. I hate how I still need you and nothing has changed after all this time. Why is this what I’ve become? Why does life feel so meaningless? Why will no one hold me? I only want you. I’ll always want you. Why can’t I be enough for you when I would kill for you? I’d die for you. Why can’t you just hold me again? I don’t want to live. I want to die without you. Why have you never come back? I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to live because the only man I want until the end of time has never been mine. What’s the point?
I still wish I could have stayed around longer to help you heal. To see you grow. To see you happy. To hold you. To care for you no matter what happened to you.
10/15/22
I still miss your beautiful smile, your laugh, and your eyes that will keep a hold of me for an eternity, and in the next life too. I’m sorry you couldn’t feel it too. I would have loved you on your deathbed, if you had nothing left besides your eyes, your soul, and your heart. And I would love you after that too, forevermore. All I needed from you was for you to let me love you. I’m sorry you thought I needed more. I’m sorry you’re numb. I would pull every ounce of pain and sickness you’ve ever experienced and live it for you if I could only have you in my life. I will never stop loving you, and I’ll never forget anything. I’m not able to. These memories won’t fade. Sometimes I even wish I died for you, because at least then you would never forget me. You’re the only one I’d want to see before me as I die. You always will be. I’ll never understand why you wouldn’t stay. All I can do is continue to love you because I am unable to stop, even if I’ll never have the chance to see you ever again. I’ll never stop. You were meant to be in my life. If not forever, then at least forever in mind. There’s a reason I can’t forget you. You changed me. I’ll never be the same.
10/18/22
I never want to die for anyone again if they aren’t you.
I still am haunted by you telling me you wanted to stay. Where are you? Am I the one who let you go?
10/19/22
You were worth breaking for. I would do it all over again if you only let me. I don’t hate you. I’ll always love you. My heart won’t let me forget you.
I pray to god sometimes that I could stop. I just want to stop.
10/20/22
When I said never mind you always tried to get inside my mind. I really thought you wanted to know me. You really understood me.
If you died I would have died with you. I was so devoted to you.
I still talk to anyone as if they had your mind. They don’t. No one does.
You were an exception to every rule I ever made and I was close to death as a conséquence.
I thought letting you go would release me from your traps. I’ll never be free. Love never ends.
I will never need anyone like I needed you the most.
I loved that you read books and you drank tea. I loved that you like history and philosophy. I loved your playful sarcasm and the way you made me beg for you. I loved how you took the time to really know me. I loved that you loved video games and anime down to the particular anime you loved. I loved that you liked to play games with me and wanted to do more. I loved that you were clean and you knew exactly where we were at all times so we never got lost. I loved your features. Your bright blue eyes and dark brown hair and beard. I loved your big arms and your effortless athlétisme and your passion to always improve. Your love for the gym and all the supplements you took. I loved how you were an amazing sprinter and would bring it up to people you met, showing off a little. I loved your goofy behavior and the stupid jokes you made in reference to spongebob. I loved the way you didn’t smile when you stared into my eyes. I loved how you pulled me closer when you were worried you upset me. I loved our long talks and getting to know your past, the whole picture. I loved how you had a best friend, who was always there for you and you said that I reminded you of him. The way it made me feel like you really loved to be around me, that we didn’t need to do anything to have a good time together. I loved how you taught me things at the gym, and the way it felt like you were my protector so I was never afraid. How you put me in my place if it seemed like I was too focused on my ego. I miss the way you made noise when I was pleasuring you. I miss the way you made me feel like I was yours. How I was your play doll. The way I felt you pulse in my body as we supposedly came together, even if that wasn’t really happening for you. You didn’t rule out the possibility that it was. You thought maybe it was true, and so did I. I miss your laugh and your voice and your smile. Your teeth and your nose that you hated about yourself. Your bloated body you were so worried about even though your abs still showed through. I miss the way we later together. I miss the way you always won every game we played and didn’t let me win because of your natural competitive nature. I never took any of it personally. I’ve never forgotten anything Ethan. I never will. And I wish most of all that I could send this to you. And make you cry. And make you come back. But I know you won’t.
10/28/22
You were the only thing that made my heart beat. Now I need substances to keep me alive. I would have never complained again if I could have just had you. If I could have just made you feel something. It was a lost cause. But I still feel like you were the only thing that kept me afloat. I don’t love anymore. It’s really dark here Ethan. I wish you would have never left. You would have been my everything. I’m so gorgeous but no one sees me. I thought you saw me. At least a little bit. How is it possible I’ve been alone so long? How has all the time passed and you didn’t care to reach out. It breaks me every time I remember. And it hurts more with every person who decides to not care about me. It all takes me back to you. You were the closest thing I ever felt to euphoria. Oh god why must you have left me? Even the first time we met felt like it would be forever. I love you. I’m so sad you couldn’t accept that and at least tried to keep my precious soul in your life that just wanted to warm you. I don’t feel anything anymore. You were the only one who kept me alive. Now I’m half a life and use drugs to stay sane. Because at any minute I could lose all control and try to find you again. You were the only one. I thought we would be together. I thought you were my life. My story. The beginning and the end. I love you so much it kills me. It killed me a long time ago. It kills me every day you're gone. You kept me alive for a little bit of time. Oh what I would give to have you back. I wonder how you really feel if I died. If you’d ever even notice. You were everything to me, how could I be nothing? Everything has only just hurt me in the end since you left. No one else feels like anything . I’d end my life peacefully just knowing I had you. Is anyone ever gonna even try to get to know me like you did again? Will anyone ever see me again? I don’t wanna do this anymore, you take the wheel. Come back. Please. Just come back. I’ll be the best person you’d ever have. I’d give you everything I have. I swear I love you. I love you. What does it take to be enough for you? I swear I’ll be it. I need you. I don’t feel like a human being anymore. I don’t feel worthy of anything at all. You were the only thing I loved and wanted to care for for the rest of my life. I’ll always love you.
I feel as though I’m nothing without you.
11/1/22
It scares me that I feel you’ll never fade from my mind.
There hasn’t been a day that I haven’t missed you since we met, not just since you left. I thought you were my future. I wish I had told you earlier. And maybe I should have waited? Are you ever coming back? Why do I still think you’re coming back? It’s been way too long. And you’ve become my nightmare.
It doesn’t matter if you don’t care. You’ll be on my mind for the rest of my life. But how will I ever be able to love someone again if it will always be you in my mind?
11/10/22
I promise you, you are the moon and the stars. You always will be. No one shines quite like you.
I don’t know if these are mistakes I’m making or life keeps trying to hold on to you, not letting anyone else in without my control. I lost all control for you Ethan. Every time someone hurts me I remember it could never hurt as much as you did. That keeps me safe. No one else can ever hurt me like that again. It will always be you. I want to let all of it out. Everything. Everyone. I want you. I’ll hold you in my lungs forever. You’re the only person I’d let burn me.. the only one.
11/15/22
I dreamt you came back last night. But you still said you needed 3 more years. Why do I still love you if I know it will never work?
11/17/22
Everything I remember is still always you
11/18/22
Did I make you happy? What even was I to you? Why do I still hurt for you? I still love you and I can’t feel anything else. I’m in pain. I don’t understand it. I don’t ever want to go through what you put me through ever again. I’d rather die. You’ll always be the first and the last thing on my mind. By god, I wish I could change that. But I’ve tried. And you’re still here. But you never came back. At least I know I could never hurt more than what I felt for you. Why can’t I forget? How did you forget? You forgot so long ago. I was doing so well until I remembered. I always remember. I always see you. Did you give me closure and I just missed it? Will I ever understand? Why did I ever think I took up space in your life? How could you make me feel like I was nothing? The familiar sting of you rings in my ears on the worst of days. And I remember your face even when I’m over the moon. You never deserved to take up the amount of space you did. You never deserved me, even though I really thought I was all you ever needed. I gave you the world. No one else could ever hurt me. The pain you gave will always be the worst thing I remember in my life. I just want to be at peace. To forget you. Forget you. Please. Let me forget you. When I think of you I can’t move. Everything else goes away. I just want to be loved the way I needed you to love me some day. I know it won’t be you. But I really hope I can have that some day. What we had was nothing, but it was my everything. I just want to be someone’s world like you were mine.
11/27/22
I find comfort in knowing no one could ever hurt me as bad as you did.
11/28/22
I still wish I could understand why. That’s what I’ve been stuck on for so long. Why and how. How could you want me intimately and not romantically? Aren’t those the same things? How could you call it an intimate friendship? What were we missing? Did you just not desire me but kept me around to pass the time? Why would you pretend to desire me for so long if you did not? Was I the one who was wrong or were you? I just want to understand. I hope one day I understand. Though at the same time, I wish I could just find peace in not understanding. This has been in my mind for far too long. Far too long.
11/29/22
I think I like being sad, Ethan. Because it means I’ve been thinking of you. You’ll always have my heart. I’d give up everything I have for you. Even after all this time. I still remember you whenever I feel anything. Any emotion. You’re everything, still.
But what was I? Just a person in the sea of your admirers? Did you know I didn’t love you for what you accomplished? I loved you. I would wait my whole life for you. To touch you again. If I can’t be in your life I’ll watch from the sidelines. I wonder if you thought I was crazy. I wonder if you told people what happened. It all hurts too much to think about. I get high so I can think of you for just a little while. Just me, just us. Even though you aren’t here. I can be delusional for a little while. I have a little while to remember you. It looks like you’re finally getting everything you ever wanted. I’m happy for you. Because I have to be. You’re the only thing that I felt held meaning in my life.
11/30/22
Are you gay yet? Or was it really all just a delusional reality I came up with to deal with the rejection of a man who could never love me back?
12/1/22
I wasn’t happy at all. I was addicted to the emotional torment you imposed upon me.
12/7/22
I felt things with you I’ve never felt with anyone else. I’m scared I’ll never feel those things again. I was so vulnerable and loved you with my entire heart. How do I do that again? How do I feel it again?
How could you have set my soul completely on fire while you didn’t feel a thing? When I saw in your eyes everything you felt?
You always knew I would have died for you. So it didn’t surprise you or even upset you when I almost did.
I can’t help but think maybe you could have loved me if you had never gotten sick. Maybe I still think of you selfishly. I wish I could have killed your cancer right when it started. I wish there was something I could have done to make you stay without sacrificing how I felt for you.
12/12/22
Around this time last year I felt hopeless. And the small piece of you I thought I had was the only thing that kept me going. And you knew that. You KNEW that, Ethan. You knew I would have had nothing without you. You knew I would have died without you. That never stopped you. You taught me that no matter how much you need someone, no matter how much you care for someone, it doesn’t matter if they don’t really want you. And there’s no point in trying to figure out why I wasn’t enough for you to stay. I know mental health is scary. I know we were both broken. There’s nothing I can do to change all that now. But I do know this now. I love myself now. And to say that and believe it is something I never thought I would be able to say at this point last year. That’s why you were in my life. You killed who I was so I can become who I am. And I am more myself every day thanks to that. Of course I miss you, but I needed to lose you. I did.
12/26/22
Why do I still miss you? I still think of you all the time.
You left this huge empty hole in my heart that never seemed to go away.
Your name echoes in the back of my tongue when I feel anything. You’re still everything. Why can’t I be my everything? Why do you linger still?
1/7/23
I’m proud of you, Ethan. I wish I could tell you that. I will always love you.
1/18/23
None of it would even be worth it if they aren’t you, E. That’s why I have chains on my heart. You’re the only one I would ever let cut me open again.
2/7/23
Sometimes I refuse to believe that you still exist and you aren’t here. I would still move mountains for you. I know if you saw me you’d probably be scared. You made me insane. I felt everything.
2/24/23
I will always love you. I could never stop. But I know I can never see you again. Things could never be the same. We can never be together but I’ll always hold your heart in my hands. No one will ever compare. I love you. I hope I left some kind of stain on your life. I hope you won’t ever forget me, but I really think you already did. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay with that, but that’s just life. We cannot have what we want. I still don’t want anyone else to have you, but I know they will some day, if they haven’t already. It will always hurt. But that’s what life is. I will get the man I deserve some day, and it won’t be you. But I know it will all make sense when I do find that man. But god, I wish it could have been you. You’re the permanent stain on my life. You always will own my heart.
2/26/23
I didn’t feel what I thought I’d feel walking past you like that and feeling your eyes on me. It didn’t hurt as bad as I thought it would. I don’t think I could ever look you in the eyes again. I hate when I see you. You died a long time ago in the back of my mind. You aren’t real.
3/17/23
I can’t keep taking little hits of you for the rest of my life. One of these hits are going to make me choke. I can’t choke again. I’m trying so hard to breathe now. I can’t sacrifice my lungs again.
3/21/23
How am I gonna ever feel the same for anyone again? How will I know if it’s even possible? I’m so scared to love but also to not love. I don’t understand my own heart anymore because I gave it to you so long ago, and I haven’t seen you since.
3/22/23
Do you ever think about me at all? You were in my dream last night.
3/25/23
Did I make you feel like more of a man? Is that why? And once your ego was finally full you let me go? Is that how it always is?
6/30/23
Clearly you’re not gay. It was a thought I came up with to cope with the fact that you said you could never love me. You have a girlfriend now. I wonder what made you decide that you could. I wonder if you thought about how you told me you could never love someone. I wonder if you remember us. I know that you told me I wasn’t anything more than a friend to you but I still can’t let go of us. Or what I thought was us. I know that no one will ever hurt me like you did again but I still cried when I found out you love a new girl. I hope I’m still on your mind somewhere deep inside and I hope you feel guilt for hurting me so badly. Even if you don’t, I hope you never forget what you did. I hope you get random pains in your chest. Because even if you don’t feel bad, I know somewhere in your body you do. I hope you aren’t happy. I hope she hurts you. I hope someday I’ll feel no more pain when I think of you, but I know that’s a long shot. I loved you with everything I have inside of me and you’ll be in my mind and body until I die. I hope this doesn’t work out and I’m not sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I'll always hate you as much as I love you, and I hope you can someday leave my brain. That’s all I can do. All I can do is pray you’ll finally go away. You’re a terrible person but at least I know I can never hurt as bad as you hurt me again. I hope when you feel pain you realize you deserve it. I hope you never really love her. I will always hate you, Ethan. I truly wish you nothing but the worst in life. There’s no point in being mature. I hate you and I will stand by that forever.
12/27/23 - time doesn’t even matter anymore.
Maybe I can’t forget
Maybe I’m supposed to keep you,
if only the intricate echo I have that your demons mutter to me when all is dark could be really you.
Oh Ethan what I would give to hold your cold, black knuckles. //how could someone so fleeting be my everything until the end of time? What did I draw out of you and into the now clogged up space no longer filled of remnants of thoughts I used to have? They’re gone. You’re gone. I feel it. Every day I feel your absence in my beating heart, through my lungs, and out of my eyes. Every day, I feel you gone. Every day since you found I could not stay for a man who was taken by the selfishness of his disease.
There is something lurking in my unconscious that’s ready to jump and kill me if ever I forget you. But I won’t forget. I own every piece of your pain so that you could make it out alive. What I would give to hold you and kiss you just one last time. I hope you can somehow still remember the electricity I know we felt/deep in the back of your brain. I hope no one takes you. You were all I ever wanted. Still. And for eternity. Because you’re worth every last drop of bleeding agony on my cold, bare linoleum floor. I hold you in my tiny, sweaty palms I still have even though I can’t stand my body without you near it. You made me feel the universe, when I thought there was nothing that save us out there. I thought I saved you too. But your cancer lives on in me even if you think I did not hold all of your pain for you every second we spent together. Even when you weren’t around, I held it. I held everything. And you waved goodbye once you found that I was all used up. You walked without a care. How dare your sickness still rot my thoughts 2 years after the moment you responded to my confession in less than a second? How dare you still take everything I have left when you have everything now? Why do I still need you? After all I held onto for you so you would never even know pain, you carved my heart out of my chest and laughed as if you knew all along. I knew you laughed. Please just go away now. Please. I can’t live with your eerie ghost in my veins anymore. Go. Go to him and tell him everything he did. I don’t care if he doesn’t change, just tell me he heard and I will let myself live. The last bit of hope you stole from me, please, please, please, just give it back.
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