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Hi! I don't know where to go nor where to tell this but I think I maybe really needing serious help... I don't know, ever since I started attending a competitive university the pressure really took a lot on me not because of fear of failure (maybe but that is what I believe) but because every darkness enshrouds my mind. I don't want my mental health to be this way but I do not know, constant fear and worry plagues my mind at times. I thought I would never experience anxiety but is it really this? Every once in a while whenever I am in a lot of pressure, lots of things overwhelm me. The thought of burdening others keeps me awake all day and guilty. I feel very shameful when I feel like I am becoming too much to other people in times they do not know I am panic-stricken and overthinking. I have now these dark thoughts that maybe going back to how I cope in the past which is self harm by cutting my wrists as it helps me feel alive and release myself from the suffocating feeling and the demons in my head. Sometimes, even though my parents want the best for me, times where they become too angry and scold me or somehow gives me critics makes me feel much more alone and sink into a deeper abyss. Even if they are there and are trying to comfort me or even my other family members whenever I cannot help but show my weakness and cry, there is like something that holds me back and like as in it doesn't whisper but I feel like there is a voice in the back of my head telling me that they may care about me now but they will hurt me again. The insults and remarks I always hear keep replaying in my head even if I do not want. I do not know if I am relapsing but ever since I experienced hatred from my classmates (I guess this is maybe the root cause) and got bullied for I do not know how, I became this kind of person who even if I already knew it I am always unsure and keeps asking for I cannot bear the thought of being the cause of why something terrible happens to them. I do not want this to keep happening until my mental health is fully destroyed that I might opt for suicide. Sorry for the terms. But somehow, I feel like sometimes I am this close and I don't know. I want to escape this endless suffering. I am so sick and tired of myself that I never even stop worrying and desperately does things I haven't done before just to survive. At this point, I extremely loathe myself (sometimes I guess since I am trying to love myself). I want to share this to my loved ones but I am afraid I may turned them into sponges or that I am afraid the faces that once showed care for me turns into faces of hatred, disgust, and tiredness from my kind of life. I do not know how to survive but I am praying for all of these to pass. I seriously want to consult to a therapist or a guidance counselor but I do not know, I really do not know. All I know is if I keep this up, I may become a lifeless human being and I do not want to continue living in this endless torture. I do not know how many of you can read this. I just wanted to post it here, my safe space for now I guess since I have never been consistent in trying to be better. All I feel I do is to wallow myself in self-hatred and pity. I am truly wishing for a brighter future, but at this point, I think I do not deserve them. I hope I could not turn happy moments into sadness but I feel this and I really hate it. To whoever is reading this, I do not oblige you to read its entirety but if you managed to read through my most deepest darkest thoughts, thank you. I hope it didn't traumatize you but at the same time thank you. I am leaving this message as a sign, I do not want to commit suicide, but I will leave this note as a reminder maybe to myself whenever I feel okay or bad that I will get through this. I don't want to commit suicide, again and please do not worry I won't as much as I can do that. Thank you.
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Hugs. Please remember that if you are at a competitive university you will be surrounded by a lot of competitive people. They are used to working against people not with them. They are also really smart (like you) and you may find yourself at more of the bottom of the class. Remember, you're not at the bottom of all the classes, and being at the bottom of a competitive university is often better than being at the top of a crappy school. You deserve whatever life you want. Try to think of things that make you happy and do them, even if it's just for a few minutes a day. Being happy and not depressed is hard in this world. Try watching videos or reading about how to do it. It doesn't come natural for anyone. But you have skills. YOU GOT INTO A COMPETATIVE UNIVERSITY. Kudos. And good luck with your life.
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