My summer of 2014

Today isn’t my first time thinking about suicide I still remember the first time I thought about it like if it was yesterday I was in sixth grade I wanted attention so I created a big problem that would later on turn into a fight. I didn’t dare to fight the girl I created drama with because we had already been friends from a long time ago in the end of that “fight” I had started i laid on a wall and started shouting, “I want to kill myself”. Later on that day my dad was called to the school and the teachers told him about what I had said and even though they asked me why I said that I never answered them and when my dad arrived he asked me as well why I had said something like that.

I hated myself for doing that and I hated my dad even more because he knew damn well why I was feeling that way. Everything had started on summer of 2014 I was playing outside with my brothers and we were ready for a water break so I ran to go get us some water bottles when I went in I saw my dad sitting on the couch but I continued to grab the water bottles. I heard him call my name and I went over to him, he then asked me to sit on his lap and give him a kiss on the lips I was confused as to why he would ask me to do something like that because I don’t remember kissing him in the lips when I was smaller. I asked him “why?” to which he answered with another question asking, “don’t you love me? Am I not your dad anymore?”. I remember saying to myself maybe I did do it before so I gave him the kiss he wanted and he let me go back outside and play not knowing the hell I was going to live in for doing that. Since that day my dad always called me into his room and he asked me to lay on top of him I never wanted to because every time he asked me to I would feel how hard he was and even though I didn’t know about that stuff yet I didn’t like feeling it after all I knew that down there was his private area and I didn’t have to touch it. Anyways after he asked me to get on top of him he would ask me for a kiss and I never wanted to give it to him I had already started to feel disgusted by him. He always got his kiss because he always asked me that question, “don’t you love me? Am I not your dad?”. After the kiss always came the worst part which was me getting off of him and laying right beside him and he would start to touch my down there, he always touched me on top of my clothes until one day. It was the worst day of my life. I was wearing my favorite hot pink shorts my mom had bought me for a camp I had gone to. He called me into his room and I already knew the routine but when he asked to lay right beside him he asked me, “do you have hairs?” I answered, “ what do you mean? Everyone has hairs.” Not know which kind of ‘hair’ he was talking about he reached in my shorts through the hole of my legs I screamed the loudest I could and called for help it was always useless though so I had to fight him off of me. I didn’t win after all he was a 51 year old man and I was only eleven years old. He stuck his fingers inside me and felt all of my private area while I was fighting and wrestling against him and when I was finally able to free myself I ran as quick as I could into the bathroom and locked myself in there and cried quietly. When I was done I used the bathroom and when I wiped I saw blood I knew it hadn’t been my period because I had already gotten it and by that time I already understood what was going on. I lost my virginity that day and I never told anyone about it. My dad would force me to sleep with him and I hated it because in the middle of the night I could feel his heavy hand rubbing on my body. What hurt the most was that I never said anything about it but it was because I had a little sister, I was scared for her and I didn’t want the same things to happen to her. My brothers always thought that I was my dad’s favorite because he got me anything I wanted therefore whenever they wanted something they always asked me to ask for it little did they know I had to pay the price for it even if what they wanted only costed a dollar.

My hell ended on December 2, 2017 my mom had called me and asked me if we could go to her house to celebrate my little brother’s second birthday to which I answered crying yes. My mom noticed right away that there was something wrong with me and asked me, “what’s wrong?” And I answered “I want to live with you”. She asked me and my siblings to get on the car and we went over to her house we cut a cake for my brother, took pictures, then when she decided it was time to go back home she asked me why I wanted to live with her. I didn’t tell her right away I invented so many excuses like my dad hits me or he shouts at me too much, she agreed to talk to my dad and see what we could do about it so she drove us back to my dads where he was waiting for us very mad and my mom asked to talk to him. They started arguing about why I should or shouldn’t move to my moms house, I remember hearing my dad argue and say so many hypocritical things to which I reacted and shouted at him, “I want to move because I’m tired of you forcing me to kiss you in the mouth!” My mom became quiet real quick and took me outside and told me “call the police”.