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i just found the picture from the first time he raped me. You can tell i've been crying. i'm not wearing a top and you can see my chest is red, blotchy. When i took the picture and sent it to myself on 12/17/14 i labeled it "sad drunk". I didn't know it was rape. i knew i felt used. and confused. and i cried. a lot. but i didn't know why. just chalked it up to being drunk.
i guess i didn't connect the tears with how violated i felt. how disgusting. how used. how pathetic.
my body knew though.
all this time i've spend controlling my throughts and emotions only for my body to betray me. to harbor all the pain. the shame. the disgust. the worthlessness.
even now i can feel strong pelvic pain on my ride side.
it's intense.
and i grew cancer. in my pelvis of all places.
don't tell me there isn't a connection. my body knows. my body remembers.
and it's been doing it for years.
Can i really be mad at it for failing and breaking under the pain?
Not even counting the nonsexual hurts. How old was i the first time someone touched my body without my consent? was it before S? age 10? earlier?
and it never occurred to me to say no. or stop. or question it.
SFS (initials)
then STA (initials) freshman year going into sophomore year.
and DSC was mostly fine. until e asked if it hurt (I'm assuming my face gave it away). i said yes. he said he'd finish quick.
and those are just the physical instances i can remember.
Not the times grown men objectified me. Teachers. Who i should have been able to trust. Who should know better. Commenting on my body. The way they looked at me. The suggestive words.
i didn't like that. or did i?
i fancied myself a lolita. like it was some prize. a skill.
was that just my way of giving the illusion of control?
But none of that ever compared to CTV.
The first rape and assault was bad enough.
The second feels like a nightmare. and funnily enough, all the other times felt normal.
my new normal with my own personal abuser who told me he loved me, was nice to me sometimes, and made me the bad guy for reacting poorly to neglect and abuse.
i'll admit, the pillow over the face got me.
and the times i didn't expect.
Because if i knew what was coming i could imagine some semblance of control. But the times i was dead asleep and awoken. couldn't spin that as easily. Yet i convinced myself it was love and desire. Not use and abuse.
what a fool.
The things we convince ourselves of to survive i guess.
Survive in my self made cage.
The door was open so why couldn't i walk out?
i imprisoned myself.
and now i'm stuck here with the damage while he walks away unscathed and unaffected.
I'm a shell of myself and there's no one to blame but myself.
all these past 2 weeks i've craved numbness. to be insanely high or drunk. why? why now?
am i getting closer to cracking myself open or am i succumbing to the weight of it all.
i don't know the cause but the craving isn't going away.
and i can't sleep.
but i sure can eat.
just get me out of this body.
please.
i don't want to be me anymore.
please.
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ReplyThank you so much for all the love and reassurance <3 I appreciate it more than you can know
ReplyI am so sorry this happened to you. No one deserves this kind of trauma. I hope you heal soon. Know that you are stronger than you think.❤️
ReplyThank you so much <3 <3 <3 I can't accurately express how much your words mean but I hope you know how grateful I am <3
Replyi have been there too and im sorry, if you need to talk to someone who understands, whos been through that pain too, i am here
ReplyThank you so much, I might take you up on that <3
ReplyI am so sorry you had to go through all of that trauma. It isn’t easy to go through and even harder to talk about. I was a 6 year old little boy when I was sexually assaulted by a male baby sitter almost every day for over a year. He made me give him oral before he made me lay down and anally penetrate me until he finished. Then he would give me a bath. I always wondered why didn’t I run or hide or something. Instead, I knew what was coming so I just got naked and laid down and got ready for what I knew was coming.
ReplyI am so so sorry. I'm so sorry you had to go through all this and I'm so sorry you met such pathetic excuses of a human being. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how scary it would be , to be in your situation. You were a nice person and you were taken advantage of , it's not your fault. I hope you find someone who truly loves you and doesn't use or manipulate you. You deserve better.
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