No one to protect me

You know what sucks? Caring about the people who have caused you so much pain and for what! What does that do for me. Absolutely nothing! I care too goddamn much and its my biggest problem.

I was 6 years old when the abuse started happening and for the longest time i tried so hard to pretend it never happened and so I kept it to myself for over 14 years. And it all started coming out because the said ABUSER couldn't handle what he did and he told my parents the truth, on my HIGH SCHOOL graduation that was supposed to my MY happy day. Instead i was a crying mess and i was leaving that day for my party that was out of town. That's when i couldn't pretend anymore and it was eating me alive, i tried offing myself so may times and started self harming at 12 and it continued well into my high school days and even after i graduated. However its been a few months since i stopped self harming and i think its a step in the right direction. It gets scary once you crave self harming, loving the feeling of the pain because it makes you feel alive, or even because you wanna punish yourself. I am almost 21 my birthday is in less than a week but my birthdays don't feel the same anymore, just feels like any other day to be honest. I got into an argument with my parents that resulted in me not speaking to them for about 3 months and it was such a hard time for me, I finally told my parents what was going on and it sorta exploded on me, not in the sense that they didn't believe me but more of a bad timing, i should have picked a better moment but i was so angry and hurt i didn't think about it. I just said it and then i realized i couldn't take it back. We got into a fight because my dad kept pushing me to have a relationship with my brothers but i didn't want that. The real reason I never told anyone was because I didn't want to break my dads heart, and thats exactly what i did, but it wasn't my fault. I broke my dads heart because i told him that both my older brothers started doing things to me at a very young age, things i didn't like, I wasn't ever fully SA but it was in the sense that i was a child and didn't want to be touched but it didn't stop them. It went on for years and it stopped when i brother moved out at 14 which made me 10 but my other brother still continued no matter how much i would cry. It finally stopped at 13 after he tried again but i stopped him. He would make small attempts but since i was older i think he realized i was able to fight back. Through my teenage years 14 to 16 they would continue saying gross things about me, i'll never forget him telling me that I was his favourite and said something about my body and i wanted to just die in a hole. THESE PEOPLE WERE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT ME! Anyways that's my trauma. ( in case anyone is wondering i am in the process of getting a therapist)