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Throughout my 13 years of living if my mom only taught me one thing it'd be that her partners are never something to look for hope in.
It can be more open, with slamming doors and shouting. Or it can more closed off, like secret remarks to my mother that they pretend I can't hear.
Usually, it is because of me that these disputes arise.
The under the breathe curse or deep sigh of frustration know me much better than a hug or a simple "I love you"
Even when I do receive these things my armor built of years of distrust and betrayal block it out and protect me from turning soft to them.
This one has stuck around the longest, 4 years now.
I guess it doesn't matter. She is nice to my mom, after all my mom has been through she deserves something nice, someone nice I should say.
But I admit I was waiting for them to fall through, just like the rest.
Every time she yells, every time she curses, every time she makes a single remark it is game over for me and I retreat back to my armor to protect myself.
I mean I am 13 years old. I don't want a messy relationship with my moms girlfriend, I really don't want one at all.
At first I wished she would disappear right out of my life but I realized that meant I would take away my moms escape.
So slowly, it turned into a wish I could disappear myself.
It is all my fault though, being a hard child to like. I'm sure she is just tired of me.
In 5 years I turn 18 and I'm moving out the second it happens.
I deserve to find some peace just like my mom found hers.
Right?
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I’m sorry you have to deal with irresponsible adults. You’re right though, short of running away from home the only thing you can do is build your armor and weather the abuse until you can move out. That’s not ideal, and who knows what issues it could balloon into, but you’ll finally be free to live your own life.
In a sense that’s what I did. I chose a college 1000 miles away and took off at age 18. Freedom was exhilarating; you’ll really enjoy that. But I’d be lying if I said I’m a normal well-adjusted human. As you might guess, that armor doesn’t come off easily. I can’t form friendships or relationships easily.
I hope you can find your freedom and happiness without the baggage. But just remember, none of this is your fault and you deserve to be happy.
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