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I feel terrible.
I have terrible but traumatized parents who are trying to be better. I have two, young half-siblings that are annoying but I keep trying to remind myself they're still young. I don't want to be like my parents, getting angry at every little thing they do, but when they do something certain It ruins my entire personality and I feel like my past just rubbed off on me.
Like, Here are some situations that could easily show how my parents were in punishment-wise in the past. Once, I was 7 at the time, and struggling to care for my hair and had dandruff. Obvious problem thats common, especially for a 7-year-old child who shouldn't be expected to instantly know how to do it while everyone is telling me how to do it in very different ways, yet My parents punishment made it feel like i committed a felony or some SHIT. I was forced to have my bathroom door open, my curtains taken away, as I showered NAKED while one of my parents sat on the toilet nagging at me how I messed up somehow. I also was dragged by the hair into my parents bathroom, across the hall and into their room mind you so it was an intense grip my dad had on me, as he held a razor to my head and I quote, said "If you can't take care of your hair, I'll just shave it off. Easy, no more wasting money on your hair. We'll just call you bald girl for the rest of your life, huh? How's that sound, BALD GIRL?" while my mum just condescendingly stood on my other side watching as I had snot and tears on my face. Obviously they didn't, it was a warning though.
Also, another time when i was 7-8 or smth before 9, My mum's friend was staying over and I saw her shaving razor. I don't fucking know what went through any of our minds, but I decided to shave off my entire right eyebrow and nearly all my left eyebrow except a nick of it. My punishment being two weeks (or more, couldn't remember through all the embarrassed tears) of cleaning and washing off my half-sibling's coloring on the walls of my ENTIRE HOUSE, Being forced to take pictures and it being posted on my mum's social media, My mum forcing me to hold my front part of my hair up in a small rubber band, while forcing me to wear a white shirt with the bold black letters on the front and back "i shaved my eyebrows off", and made me wear that to school for at least a week (again, couldn't remember through the concerned stares of my teachers and the staring of my entire school as I walk past them.)
Now, as a teen and soon to get a therapist cause my mum snooped and saw the fact I am a cocsa victim, traumatized by her (She told me she didn't know and she realized NOW that she fucked up and she apologized), and the fact I feel suicidal, I feel like my half-siblings are... iffish. They act bratty and loud and mean at times, but they're kids. They're goddamn kids and I don't want to be my mum. I don't want to be my dad. I'm their older brother, I shouldn't be a bitch at the slightest certain thing they do that makes me pissed and isolate myself again until I can hear them mocking me. I can't handle the fact of realizing I'm treating them like an outlet for my stress and anger and emotions and I feel like my parents back then. What's worse is after my mum found out about me, She promised she would be better. Why would she promise this after so long? She had so much time to apologize, to care for me emotionally, to not be a total fucking traumatizing bitch to me just so "I can say my mum is meaner when I get bullied", SHE KNOWS SHE IS TRASHY AND THE FACT SHE ALREADY KNOWS THAT I'LL PROBABLY BULLIED IS JUST WORSENING IT AND THAT QUOTE JUST PROVES HOW BAD IT IS. AND THE FACT SHE KNOWS I CAN'T SPEAK UP FOR SHIT WHEN IN PUBLIC AND SHE EXPECTS ME TO STAND UP TO THE MOST POPULAR BOYS IN SCHOOL WHO PROBABLY ARE 20x STRONGER THAN ME??
I'm so done, I legit am counting the days until i meet my therapist for the first time, but it feels so long and I'm just tempted to ask to see the counselor and tell them. I don't care if they call my parents, It's easier for me if someone tells them. Cause they don't listen to me unless they hear my true inner thoughts, which obviously I have no fucking way on how I can since every time they ask me a question I'm scared shitless like they'd attack me. I CAN'T BE IN A ROOM WITH ADULTS WITHOUT FEARING THEY'LL YELL AT ME EVERY SECOND OF MY LIFE, I CAN'T BE IN THE ROOM WITH MY PARENTS WITHOUT THINKING THEY'LL INTERROGATE ME FOR SOMETHING. I feel like I want to die, but I'm scared of death. I am truly, utterly scared of it.
wanna know the worst thing? People say they're great. Sure, My parents have money cause my mums a nurse and my dads an office worker, and they say they're getting better. 1; Money doesn't make up for trauma. 2; Words are meaningless compared to actually committing and doing what they promised. Its the same. Just the same goddamn routine I've been stuck in. AND MY SIBLINGS HAVE IT BETTER, THATS WORSE. I HAD THE UNPREPARED, VIOLENT, AND ALWAYS ANGRY PARENTS CAUSE MY MUM HAD ME AT THE RIPE AGE OF 21 AND I WAS UNPLANNED, BUT THEY WERE. I FELT LIKE JESSE IN BIG MOUTH, I DON'T CARE IF ITS JUST A HORNY SHOW OF KIDS, WHEN SHE MET HER BABY SISTER AND HEARD HER DAD SAY "I'll do better this time" THATS HOW I FELT. WHENEVER I HAVE LOTS OF GIFTS FROM MY BDAY OR XMAS, I FEEL SPOILED AND PAMPERED AND I HATE IT. BUT ONE LESS GIFT, MY SIBLINGS WAIL.
but if nobody cared enough to read this, let me sum it up. I want help, I'm scared to ask or answer to it. I am mentally hoping for death. Bye, fuck my family, fuck life, fuck school, even if I'm planning on just calling the school counselor right here and now.
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This is yet another case of bad parenting. I was treated badly by the horrible mother had and got loads of presents at Christmas too, so I know what it's like. We didn't have counselors at schools then like you do now so please do speak to the school counselor about this and hopefully help will come your way. I wish you all the best.
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