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Life every day takes a new turn, either for worse or good. Why my takes a weird turn? Why am I not happy? Why I feel lonely? Why no one wants to listen me? Why am I so afraid? Why I feel I am hurt and no one wants to be with me? Why do I want to be left alone? Why I don’t want to go home? Why am I stranded in life? Why I feel there is no one to listen and talk to me? Am I invisible? Why I feel I want to cry? Why won’t anyone come to me? Why does this song connects? Why am I laughing stock to everyone? Why does my immediately family feels far and not enough? Why no one loves me? Why do I have these thoughts? Why am I lonely? Why do I feel I want attention? Why do I feel I want help? Do people actually dislike me and they pretend they like me in front of me? Sometimes I wonder what kind of a person I am, and I never find its answer. I hate answered questions. Then, I wonder why I can’t I find answers? Am I dumb, I like calling, telling and show myself as an intelligent person, but actually I am not. Deep down I know I am not as sharp as I or other people think I am, but then I wonder what is intelligence? How can one be called intelligent? Marks? GPA? Being innovative? I am not innovative that’s for sure, and not intelligent either. Then I wonder why do my mind works like this? Of all these things going in my head am I unique or just a stupid disturbed person. Then I wonder whether am I a good person or not, or just a mental retard who wanted attention. Sometimes, I feel, life, career, love, nothing is going good. I am a lier I pretend a lot. I lie about everything. I envy everyone and I criticize them unnecessarily to make them look bad or feel bad. I get jealous of everyone, and feel I am worthless. Sometime I feel I should leave everything and run away and be alone for life. Or start a new life, but then I feel I can’t run from myself. I will remain the same. I feel sorry for this boy, he doesn’t deserve to be doing this. I want to talk to him, share tea and make him feel good. I hate people working hard to earn money, he is a young boy, he must have dreams, people of his age are enjoying their life in uni and he is picking up their garbage. And nobody thinks about him, see him, it’s like, he doesn’t even exist for them. I am a hypocrite, though I want to do something for him, I am too afraid, I ignored him just like any other person here. I messaged her today, she did not talk to me since Saturday. I asked her to go out, she said not today, I asked is your health okay she said yup, I said good, she did not asked whether I am good or not? Why am I not important? Why am I ignored by her. Why? Why? Why am I treated like any other unimportant person? I want to be important to her. I want her to not leave me. I want her to love me as I do her. Why am I taken for granted? Why do everyone takes me for granted? If I run away or die, will they remember me and feel like they have lost someone. I believe if I disappear today, no one will even bother. I think this is the reason I want to end my life. I pray to God that take my life so that I won’t have to live a worthless life. I wish I was something to someone, I wish somebody would have loved me the way I love others. But then I think about my mum, dad and sisters, how would they feel If I die? Mamma Pappa would be devastated, sisters because of that. But then I think they would feel it’s okay he was annoying, but then I feel they will cry a lot after that and I don’t want to cry. For her I would be just a boy, who died. But I don’t want to live. I don’t have money. The psychologist said I have a negative thinking pattern and she will work on that. But will this solve my problems? It’s cold how will I go back home. Will she talk to me? Will I be worthy of anything or anyone? I want to eat but I have no money to spare. What will I do? I will try to walk back home, It will take 3 hours I guess.
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