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Your everywhere. Yet not here. And I hate that. U chose to leave. And I was finally ok with it. But it’s fucked up how my first serious relationship-the first person I have loved in this way, this hard- ur in our relationship. When I think of how I’m happy. And it turns left. To feeling like I’m not being wanted. To knowing there is someone he will choose over me. You’re ruining my first relationship. I’m ruining it. And he doesn’t know that yet. When I set a boundary with him. You were there. In my tears. In my fears. Fears of him leaving me because I told him how I feel. Why was I ok and now everything I do stresses me out. My self esteem has never been this low. I can’t have a good day without something happening. Without u happening. I didn’t know how fucked up I was until I found someone I feel I can’t live without. When I found someone who makes me genuinely happy. You ruin that for me. I have to tell myself that I’m wanted. That I’m loved. Yea I’m 16. They say it’s not real love at this age. If it’s not love then I don’t know what it is. But he is all I think about. He is my comfort. My happiness. Mine. My home. My safety. And u know safety in my case is a lot. I wasn’t safe with u. I don’t think I am now either. I’m in therapy because of you now. I’m fucked up. I’m replaceable. I’m not worth a lot of things. I hate this. I hate what you did to me. Do u understand at all? All I EVER wanted was someone I can call mine. Who will love me UNconditionally. But u made me feel other ways at only 10. So now at 16 that’s how I feel about my relationship. It’s conditional love. While I’m going to give my all. Unconditional love. I was ok. Or maybe that’s what I was telling myself. Cuz I’m fucked up. More than ever. And it’s because of u. I’m slowly starting to hate you. And ur not even here.
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