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Hey for privacy reasons I’m not going to say my name but I will say that I’m 14 and here’s what I have to say.
(Sorry for typos )
A few years back (2018) I lost my uncle , at the time I was outside playing with my friends and I was around 8-9 so I didn’t fully understand it . He wasn’t a huge part in my life and I didn’t know to much but he was family at the end of the day . Now that I’ve grown up a bit more I’m starting to really realise what happened . Now that isn’t the only thing that I’m struggling with .
Ever since my (very) first day of school I’ve been bullied . Not just verbal but sometimes physical and others as well . My school was horrible although still everyone else said it was amazing . During primary school I felt left out even teachers didn’t speak to me and walked past me when I sat on a bench by myself every lunch and break time . The first day of primary I ran out nobody even knew I was gone for nearly an hour . I tried my best and got a captain role in the school which I was really proud of . But overtime I was never included in events although others were. Later on the year one of my friends was acting a bit gay and making me uncomfortable. Now I have nothing wrong with someone being gay but at that time it was just uncomfortable. The head teacher later called me into her office shouting at me threatening to take my hard earned role and I quote she said “ gay isn’t a word we use around here” I was included in 1 single event my entire time I had the captain badge . No teachers in my school were kind of acknowledged that my mental health was being destroyed as I say in their classes zoned out . I never passed my tests and always got shouted at . I though that high school would fix my problems but I was very very wrong .
The first year of high school wasn’t to bad I met people but was also still being bullied a lot . Now the only reason I was bullied was for some main key things such as my height which was the main one as well as my actual body and what not normal things people make fun off . I never made many new friends and stuck to a specific group the whole year . They sometimes made me feel left out and when one person wasn’t there the others would leave me and again I’d sit at a bench alone . I didn’t have a choice if I wanted to leave them cause it was basically my only friends I had .
My second year got worse as I was listening to a teacher talking about someone’s behaviour to the class I was leaning against a desk paying attention . The teacher then goes in my face and I mean in my face and shouts at me for being disrespectful. My mum posted this one Facebook and he even phoned her and shouted at her as well . That day I honestly wanted to cry but I couldn’t otherwise I’d look like some attention seeker . I had broke down to my mum which I still regret to this day saying I don’t want to go to school and I have no friends . She took this seriously and got me some carer from the school . After a while she blamed it on me not liking school and I will never speak to her again and I’m honestly surprised she got her job . I had other people take me out of school on little trips but none of it helped .
I forgot to mention as well is that p.e was a struggle for me and again a main one in highschool. Getting changed in the changing. Rooms was very uncomfortable I hated being around so many people . When getting picked for teams for any sport we did I’d always never get picked and have to either just try join a team awkwardly or ask the teacher where do I go . During games I’d never get a ball passed to me or anything . So I quit it not that I was allowed to but no matter what anyone did I wasn’t going to that class . Eventually they gave up and I still don’t go to it today .
And some people call me fat and loads of other stuff .
My third and current year of high school has been my worse . I was going to school up to September and since then I’ve went to maybe a week at most in total of school . I’ve had two ( attendance letters) but none about if I’m even alive ? Or if I’m in hospital or if I’m struggling nothing . People call me lazy for not going but I do my work at home and I’m more comfortable doing it like that but nobody listens to me when I say that and have said no when I ask the school . Although others kids get it . I started self harming by cutting which I will never forgive myself for and bmhave recently been on a self harm free ( for cutting ) for almost a month which I’m proud of . But I’ve still been doing a different type of self harm by punching my wall . My knuckles are always bruised sometimes I’ve done it so much their cut . This is the only way I can cope with everything . But still nobody notices that nobody notices how tired I look .
I’ve went outside a couple of times ready to end it but always came back and thought I was so stupid . Atleast every night or day I cry my chest hurts my eyes my head . I stare at pills I could take anything . I’m in so much mental pain than a 14 year old should be but this whole world and generation is dumb and couldn’t care less .
I absolutely hate opening up nobody cares or nothing gets done . My mum hasn’t noticed anything and I can’t put this on her again . I’ve even went further to help cope by vaping and I absolutely do not forgive myself for starting it and never will . I sit in my room all day whilst everyone else gets on with their day .
And on top of that I don’t get 1 message from someone practically every day unless it’s something like streaks for Snapchat or some useless app I don’t use .
Im sorry this is so long and if you actually read this whole thing thank you .
I’m just tired .
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I was always the bullied and left out one as well, never got picked for teams either and was frequently the only one in my year who wasn’t invited to parties. I’m now in my late forties and the memories and pain haven’t left me even to this day. I wish I could relieve you of this hell as I know exactly what you’re going through. I hope things change for you very soon
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