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I've never truly written to relieve stress other than occasional journaling here and there. So to you, my partner of the present, I lay all my issues out in the open for you, for each and every one of you to view.
I struggle immensely with abandonment issues, terribly in fact. I'll tell you it's okay to leave when truly I'm not too sure because I'm too worried to tie you down to an option you might regret, therefore, I let you go and hope you'll come back to me. Your happiness is important to me and much more worth the tears that might come from me than the disappointment that will inevitably arise from missing out. I'm not ashamed to feel like this, it's just rather difficult to express without coming across selfish in some sense of the manner; or maybe that's just something I tell myself to rationalize why I keep these words to myself.
Though, I say this time and time again to partners I have been with, I don't think I've ever truly been this hopeful in a relationship, neither have I looked forward to a relationship so much that I worry some wrong inaction my end will become detrimental to the future of our relationship, sometimes even the things I already do. I stress over the fact you may remember these things down the line, point them out to me and then I'll have to explain the inconsistencies in my behavior because the thought of me developing or changing as a person might mean that you will no longer love me for the man that I am, but for the boy I used to be.
My worries here simply pale in comparison to ones I have felt in the past because all the issues I have felt in the past never felt like this. I've never had so much hope that a relationship would work out so well and at the end of the day, I hope I can feel like that till the day I die.
Things are changing and we're both young, we have the rest of our lives to worry about the little things, it's all just barely begun.
To some extent, I try to keep myself at arms length, because I feel like Icarus, flying to close to the sun, but with the knowledge and fear that my wings are made from wax. But what if one day I cross a line that you hold, one you don't know about and it's too late to turn back. What if something turns into nothing in an instant and all I am left with is the waves of the ocean crashing over my body, like a cold and desolate embrace. What do I do then?
I withhold some of my affection because truly this is the easiest way for me to avoid the line of me being too clingy.
It's easy to say to just communicate your feelings and everything will be just fine, but I often find myself with words choked in my throat, unable to speak while countless scenarios where I say the what I want to say and imagine the thoughts you might think of me. I only see one positive path, but a billion other negatives that could simply just be avoided if I hadn't spoken, or even attempted to do so. I'm so accustomed to the fact speaking out of place will result in an argument or a loss of affection that risking even just a chance of it can truly be terrifying.
I find solace in your words, your warmth, and the affection you provide, but I continuously crave more. You are everything to me, but being so needy makes me wonder if I am the same for you.
Some times I will just focus on work and avoid my feelings. It's not too often, but when it comes to a head where everything explodes, I find myself gravitating towards working on something because only then will my mind be focused upon something other than my current condition or the current whirlwind of emotions that is occupying my thoughts.
My childhood wasn't awful compared to some of those around me, but it certainly wasn't easy on me. Very early on in my childhood I realize, I already had begun to adopt symptoms of anxiety and depression, as a result of my home life. Everyday felt like a battle, if it wasn't this then it was that, some sort of fight. It was always something I did wrong, never right, and admittedly, I was never the best child. I don't claim to be a saint, but, being older and being able to look back, I just simply didn't deserve the things that happened to me because they still haunt me to this very day.
Well, there is no use in changing the past, but there is shaping the present into the future as they say.
Life is hard, but is a journey we all must endure. I think I'll be okay though.
So, thank you hun. Maybe there will be one day where I'm able to express these words to you, but, until then, I'll talk to you another time.
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Replyhow do you know if they don’t believe you simply don’t like them if you’re always keeping these things inside?
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