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*Warning!*
Mentions of child abuse, sexual exploitation of minors, incest, suicide. Reader's discretion is advised.
I am second born and in first years of my life was kinda golden child. But witnessed plenty of parents fighting(sometimes physical) in early childhood. My older sister tried to shield me as much as possible from this, but her affection grew in a *very* twisted way. So much so my first intercourse when I was 7. It ended at approximately 12 y/o when she found a boyfriend. She even tried to include her female friends double of times, but it never went straight to sex. But no further than that, just petting. Plus, when we moved to a new home and my father's suicide at 8 y/o she began to abuse me, physically and emotionally. After that my mother was almost nonexistent in our lives. But she clearly favored my older sister due to her independence and being older by almost 6 years.
Speaking of my mother...
She's a tough woman. Was forced to be like that because of her promiscuous and neglectful mother, becoming bully on her school and taking judo classes for a few years. My father was smaller than her, softer and didn't had sports background. So, mother was physical with him. When I tried to learn more about their relationship recently she said "We had beautiful marriage, but on our fifth anniversary someone jinxed us and we started to fight very often.". Considering her description of my father as calm, gentle, sometimes even spineless, I thing he just had enough of my mother's temper and snapped. Which led to his alcohol and gambling addiction, divorce with full custody on my mother and then to his cosplay of cherry Berry. She also tried to kill me twice, when I was 6 and 8 y/o and lashed me with some wire, which left my entire back scarred. Now she adamantly denies these things, so i decided to drop this subject. Funny enough, her mother adored and spoiled me whenever she could, so i take that as one of core reasons for mother's disdain towards me. Even fact of living in that grandmother's house didn't hepled the situation.
Speaking if that grandmother...
As i wrote earlier, she was very promiscuous in her 20-30's, which deeply affected my mother. So much, that she remained single for entire 17 years as for now. We lived in grandmother's house for some time and didn't had any other apartment. But that grandmother is greedy. And fell victim of some fraud scheme. So deep that she took a loan at expence of pledging our house. Without taking a copy of that document. So, it came without surprise that this document was changed from pledge to selling property. After that we live in rental apartments. On paper we(or, at least i)still have this apartment, but there's new residents now. And we can't move there. Then grandmother's delusion skyrocketed and she siphoned money from my mother and her own retirement money to give to these frauds.
I as still underaged at that moment, so mother and sister moved near capital city to work and send us money to rent and groceries. And i left with grandmother for 4 years, up until my graduation. Then moved to mother, because of sister's wedding and them getting their own apartment. But, it was in hometown, which is rather small. 10k population at most. I wanted to move out to live on my own and learn to become independent, but my mother was strongly against it and every time she said something like "Ah, okay, all of you are gonna abandon me and leave me to die alone in the streets". So, this kept me by her side for long five years, because this picture terrified me. Even though she was abusing me emotionally. And dismissing my hobbies, saying "i doubt that you won't drop them in couple of months". And said that I don't have musical talent, referring to her piano practice, even though I did. When I was in college theatre, behind a stage elderly lady approached me and said that I have a beautiful, strong voice, fitting for opera. She was an opera singer in the past, as my ex-friend said to me. I didn't heed her advice, because I was too old for applying to musical school and needed university being too far away from hometown. But I digress.
This abuse escalated, when Covid struck, and I list my job due to my medical condition and being unable to get needed surgery. I was jobless for two long years, and mother constantly nagged me for being useless. Even when I found a job and got promoted I didn't moved out, because of the same "abandoning her" mantra.
This situation coupled with betrayal of two close friends and bullying in school because of somewhat androgynous appearance deeply affected my future interactions. Especially with females. I am conventionally attractive, you can see my pics on other sub through profile. But my self esteem was below sewer level, so i blew multiple chances to get relationship. One time my close girl friend even asked me out directly, stating her feelings, but I deemed it as a joke and we never brought that up again. We remained close friends though, up until school graduation. I had four suicide attempts, but self preservation instinct kicked in every time. I didn't get therapy, but in three years managed to conquer majority of my demons. I even started dating, but my first relationship partner was terrible. Thanks to learning of my sister's exploits in her college years, broken marriage and plenty of stories from internet i rather quickly noticed bright red flags. Both in her and myself, so I decided to break up with her after two months. I learned about my shortcomings and what i seek in partner and leaned how to kiss. Yes, my first kiss occurred when I was 23. Next year, in same month as my breakup I found my new and current girlfriend. She's much younger than me, with 4 years gap, bow almost instantly felt spark. We even kissed on the same day, in same festival vip-lounge that we met. We quickly grew closer and shared secrets. We both have family issues and disturbing things in past, so eventually we became official. With her I learned that i'm natural rizzler, able to come up with a joke and/or pick up phrase on a fly(can give an example, which we both remember to this day). That I am much more attractive than I thought, not noticing sometimes blatantly devouring gazes from opposite sex. Sometimes even from same sex. That my efforts in finding my sence of style paid off. That my maintenance of good appearance and smell is rare quality. And much more. So, after 9 months we decided to move in together, closer to her college. We grew sick of being apart with 2.5 hours ride between us. Mother was apprehensive about that, but seeing my determination she eventually accepted it. After we moved in together, my sister, her new husband(who is 10 years younger than her) and their infant daughter moved in with mother. Even though sister almost never came to us, called without needing something, me disclosing our past and learning about her promiscuity during college years. And even after learning that when sister came to is for short sleepover she tried to cheat on her drafted husband. With me. It deeply disgusted me, so I went to sleep on kitchen floor. It occurred before my coming out, so mother was unaware. And mother even went out of her way to drive for eight hours with few bags full of frozen meat, lend her money(which she rarely returned), pressuring me to buy toys for my niece and gifting her money that my grandparents from father side sent me as birthday present. And as you can tell, this second marriage is not healthy. They married because of sister's unexpected pregnancy, so there's next to none love in there.
After moving out I promiced to call my mother least once a week and visit her once a month. I kept my word up until December. Her son in law broke his phone, so she gave him hers. In two months mother was without phone and our calls were through my sister. So i bought a new phone and planned to gift it to my mother. I asked when I can visit her with this gift. Mother said that she will call me when she'll be available. No calls from her ince then. Adding this to her empty promises to visit me in my new apartment, i ecided to leave her be. I reflected on all of their impact on my life. And I decided to stop calling and visiting her.
But sometimes I wonder, am I wrong for this decision? Despite this mess, mother still ga e me life, raised and after moving out provided for me. And during lockdown. And every time I visit her she gives me full bag of meat and other food. She care for me.
As for sister, she doesn't care about me. Neither am i.
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