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I wanted to be a nun as a child. I wanted to be a child of God. Something holy. Something that I wasn't. I wanted to stay a virgin and not have any unholy thoughts in my mind. I am still a virgin but I crave to be intimate with someone I love, my boyfriend. A part of me still wants to be a nun, to be the purest version of myself that I've ever been, but no matter what I do to repent I'm still filthy. I can still feel their hands all over my body. Groping me, pulling at my skin, digging their nails into me, putting their hand over my mouth, and their legs forcefully opening mine. I didn't want it but I didn't scream or shout or make a scene so maybe I did want it but I'm just in denial that I didn't. I try to wear the brightest colors, especially pink to feel innocent once again but wearing all that pink won't wash away the black and red sin that's engraved into my body.
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You did not ask for it. If you didn't say an enthusiastic yes , you didn't ask for it. As someone religious who wasn't raped but sexually assaulted, dating is a sin ; I felt dirty and impure. I'm sure you're feeling much more than me and what you went through is so scary, but what I mean is God loves you and he does not punish us for something that wasn't in our control. Your body might have gone in freeze mode that's why you couldn't scream. It is one of the body's responses. Please know you are not fault and not responsible. If he does not repent,God will punish him. Please know it was not your fault, you didn't ask for it , you are still worthy and you are still a virgin. A virgin by some definitions can still be someone who was r@ped . That's what I believe too.
ReplyThank you. This comment has my eyes watering. Thank you for saying I'm not at fault. I'm sorry something similar happened to you too, you didn't deserve it. Nobody does.
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